Is it normal to feel this way after 20 years together?

[Muminlockdown2020]

Hi everyone. Been a member of mumsnet for a long time but have name changed for this post incase outing.

Background, met my husband when we were 18 and we have been together for 20 years. (sounds a long time but I'm still only 38!)
I had normal teenage boyfriends before him and lots of fun. I didn't really think we would have stayed together as it was just abit of young fun at first but we have. Our first few years were the normal full of fun and passion etc.
Then normal life, got a home, progressed in careers, had kids. Both still primary age. We aren't rich, we aren't poor. We just have a lovely normal life together.
But..... I suppose its the case of is the grass always greener on the other side?

I have been with this man for my entire adult life, and same for him. Every single part of my life has been shared with him.
He isn't amazing, he isn't terrible. He's just a normal guy who leans towards being a grumpy old sod nowadays. He loves us, i know he does, although he doesn't really show his emotions. I do think we settled for each other.

My problem is that I pine, yearn and long for freedom. Now, that makes me sound controlled and trapped. I am not at all, apart from I'm currently a sahm so I am reliant on him financially.
I have never been an adult without him. I've never done anything apart from him like a girls holiday etc (I only have one good friend now and she's just had a baby with disabilities so no chance of this happening at the moment unfortunately).
I have never made a single decision in my life that's not involved him. My car, our home, how we decorate, what furniture to buy, what to buy our kids, where to go on holiday, where to work, what area to live in, what meals to cook. What our days consist of. When we see family. Everything!! I know this sounds silly but when you've never done it you want it!! I literally went from living with my parents who I had to answer to, to immediately living with him age 21 and sharing all decisions.

If we ever separated I would not want another relationship. Its not that I yearn for another man. I just want to live my own life!! The thought of being stuck with him when the kids have flown the nest fills me with dread because we don't have the same interests. I want to go out all the time and travel and see the world, he wants to stay home and never go anywhere and do DIY projects which he loves. I just feel like is this it? Is this my life?? You get one life and I don't feel like im living it how I want to. Selfishly I suppose. Can anyone relate?

[Apple222]

@Muminlockdown2020 I hear you. Feel the same although I got married later than you. The cottage in Cornwall is my dream too. I think about it most days. I’m not sure I will ever feel fulfilled until I achieve it. I’m living a decent life (and am grateful for that) but not the one I truly want.

[Dery]

“Get a job, there are jobs out there that fit in with school hours. You’ve identified that the crux of this is that you don’t earn your own money and I think you’re right. Get a job, offer a service, start a course, decide what you like and go for it. Then you can decide how to split childcare between you”

This. Think of the childcare costs as an investment in you and your family.

[DCIRozHuntley]

You say being a SAHM works best for your family, but it doesn't really. YOU are 1/4 of that family and it isn't working for you.

There are some practical steps towards returning to work; you don't even need to return to paid work yet. Volunteering could offer you the flexibility you crave and some experience and confidence while you weigh up your options and gain a sense of purpose. You might meet some new people too. Having just one friend is probably more limiting that having just one lover! There is no reason why you can't go on girls' holidays or nights out, once lockdown is over. Is there something like a WI or exercise class you'd like to try?

[peajotter]

I hear you op. I feel similar, married for 15 years, sahm for 10. However I had five years of my 20s where I did wild and independent things so I have something to cling to.

When all of this is over I’m going to become a hermit in the north of Scotland living a life of prayer and gardening. But only part time because I’ll miss everyone really, it’s just that the grass is greener on the other side.

After lockdown I’m going to make some changes, if I have any energy left. Let us know what you do!

[Poetryinaction]

I can relate. But more that I watched my two older sisters do what you did. I didn't meet my husband until I was 27, and I still sometimes crave freedom. I wonder how they feel?

[Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar]

Omg I was thinking this looking through Instagram today. I know it's not real life, but I envy some people, who have their own house and able to have their own space.
Like you, I've been with dh more than 20 years, mostly we agree on things for the house but sometimes, I dream of what I can choose on my own, eat on my own and watch on my own.
Don't get me wrong I like our house, and lifestyle, but sometimes, there are things I definitely would have done differently if I was on my own.

[Musti]

First, even though he earns the money, you look after house and kids so it is your money as much as it is his. Don't feel guilty.

Next, think about what you would like to do work wise. Look at training and working part time. This will make a huge difference. You'll be out of the house, make new friends, enjoy work and earn money.

[user1481840227]

@Bagelsandbrie, she didn't say that he'd make comments about her wasting his money.

[Bagelsandbrie]

I’m going to pick up on the shared finances (or lack of) side of your post. You say that he’s the sole owner and would make comments about you wasting “his” money if you purchased something...? This rings alarm bells for me and may be the cause of a lot of what you’re feeling. Every adult should have access to their own spending money and should be able to spend it without guilt. That doesn’t mean you need to get a job - if you’ve decided as a couple that it works with you being at home that’s fine but you’re a team and you being at home enables him to work so you should both have equal spending money!

I am a stay at home parent. My dh works. All our money goes into a joint account, all bills go out of it and we leave some in there for spending for the kids / days out etc. We then transfer an equal amount each to our own separate accounts to spend as we wish. I don’t comment about what he spends his on and he doesn’t care what I do with mine. I wouldn’t live any other way. We’ve been together a similar length of time to you and your dh.

I think you need to address this side of things.

[HauntedGoatFart]

And that Wendy Cope thing... Well, fine, if you actually want to be boring. I don't. It's not a prerequisite of marriage.

[HauntedGoatFart]

It's great that you've realised you've lost yourself a bit and I'd definitely encourage you to build your own life and see how you feel then before you consider ending your marriage.

But tbh if you even think your marriage might have run its course it's even more important to get a job. Do you have your own pension? If your marriage does end, for any reason, you'll be much better off with a job.

[Abracadabra12345]

I think a vital first step is looking for a part time job that fits in with the family. You’ll feel stimulated rather than smothered, you’ll have your own small income and it will take you out of the same four walls of your house and life. In my case, I initially became a registered childminder when the children were small and I took an NVQ in early education and childcare and now I work in a preschool but part-time so there is a work-life balance with inbuilt “me” time.

It’s the small things: for example, I love going to the cinema on my own during the school day (before lockdown) and like other pp, we both have separate interests and friendships as well as shared activities. My husband retired a few years ago and that’s when it becomes massively important that you have your own space and lives.

[ProfYaffle]

"I think most people in ltr feel similar" - I don't.

Also been with dh for 20 years but we met at 28, we both had previous relationships and lived a decent amount of adult life before we got together.

I had the confidence to speak up for myself from the start (not the case in previous relationships!) I feel listened to, I feel that our life is ours, our decisions are joint, I don't feel like I've had to compromise or not express myself.

You've realised that you've lost yourself and that's an amazing first step. Give yourself to time to ponder what that means and what you can do about it. Talk to your dh, try and explain, see if he understands and try to get a sense of whether he'll support you in finding yourself again.

[category12]

If you can't work now, there's no reason why you can't plan for when you can, and start retraining/studying/getting ready for the workplace. And there's no reason you can't plan out what you're going to do in the future. And start striking out on your own a bit. You can aim for that little house in Cornwall eventually if that's what you want.

[Karwomannghia]

Get a job, there are jobs out there that fit in with school hours. You’ve identified that the crux of this is that you don’t earn your own money and I think you’re right. Get a job, offer a service, start a course, decide what you like and go for it. Then you can decide how to split childcare between you.

[Nighttimefreedom]

It works better for our family that I am at home.

Does it work out better for you?
Even if what you earnt only covered the childcare costs you should consider it.
What did you do for work before children?

[TheoriginalLEM]

@dillo10 I make you right there!!

My favourite poem:-
Being Boring
by Wendy Cope

‘May you live in interesting times.’ –Chinese curse

If you ask me ‘What’s new?’, I have nothing to say
Except that the garden is growing.
I had a slight cold but it’s better today.
I’m content with the way things are going.
Yes, he is the same as he usually is,
Still eating and sleeping and snoring.
I get on with my work. He gets on with his.
I know this is all very boring.

There was drama enough in my turbulent past:
Tears and passion - I’ve used up a tankful.
No news is good news, and long may it last.
If nothing much happens, I’m thankful.
A happier cabbage you never did see,
My vegetable spirits are soaring.
If you’re after excitement, steer well clear of me.
I want to go on being boring.

I don’t go to parties. Well, what are they for,
If you don’t need to find a new lover?
You drink and you listen and drink a bit more
And you take the next day to recover.
Someone to stay home with was all my desire
And, now that I’ve found a safe mooring,
I’ve just one ambition in life: I aspire
To go on and on being boring.

[mudpiemaker]

I think everyone daydreams about stuff. As much as I love Dh and we have been married over 20 years I do sometimes flick through the Next directory thinking if I didn't have to agree a duvet cover choice with Dh, what would I choose?

I live in a very lovely home but I also would love to live by the sea, however the jobs for Dh are in the cities, hence why we live in one. I have been a SAHM for 15 years, I think you feel like you have lost yourself to Motherhood.

Start doing things for you. I have done nightclasses for fun, been away on weekends with friends, I go out for meals with friends every month. I have been with Dh since I was 22 but we aren't velcroed together. Stop making out that your dh is the reason you aren't doing this. It is you. Arrange a babysitter if your Dh can't be there. Surely the money he earns is family money, he is able to do the job he does because he doesn't have to make it back to pick children up from after school club etc, you are there to do that.

My husband works very long hours so does not /has not ever taken time off for the children so does this mean he has never taken any holiday? That needs to start. He needs to be left in charge of them whilst you do whatever you want to do.

My FIl was married for just over 40 years before my MIL died. He found it so hard to make a decision by himself because he had always had his best friend to discuss things with. We became his sounding board for the next 3 years until he could figure stuff out alone.

[hamsterchump]

Maybe your husband is just as bored as you but thinks you are happy with the way things are? If you talk to each other you might find you have similar dreams that you could work towards, the Cornish cottage is probably a hell of a lot more close to being possible with two earners rather than one. Or maybe he would support you to find some fulfilling interests or even do a little solo travel.

[hamsterchump]

You shouldn't compare your normal but unfulfilled, bog standard life with your DH with your perfect fantasy life without him though, that way lies sore disappointment. Would you be able to afford the dream cottage and life in Cornwall? Because I live in Cornwall and believe me what you described doesn't come cheap, could you even support yourself and your children anywhere without your DH? You need to assess the reality of future your life if you do decide to split. If you are just feeling a bit bored you might be much better to discuss this with your DH and try to improve your lives together. Sounds more like a "the fantasy, unaffordable Cornish grass is greener" type of situation to me.

[Dillo10]

It's pretty easy to imagine that travelling Europe on a free rail card would have been the best time of your life.. we never consider it might have been shit, you could of had an accident or fallen in love with someone terrible for you.

Don't mean to sound "woo woo" but you gotta believe the universe has your back and you never truly miss out on anything that is meant for you, or good for you in some way

No point regretting it - make the most of your life NOW. It doesn't have to be a huge, life changing thing. You could discover a simple hobby that makes you feel fulfilled and happy!

[Muminlockdown2020]

My original post, although it mentions travel and going out to places, my main feelings are about lack of control of my own life. Just the little day to day things of running a home.
In my dreams I would love to move down to Cornwall on my own in a small little cottage or house that is just mine, and everything in it is how I want it, in my style, what I have bought. It's the sharing every minute detail of your life with someone that overwhelms me. If I could give my 18 year old self advice it would have been not to get into a relationship at that time, maybe not ever as it just makes me feel so smothered.

[turtletum]

I agree with previous posters, you need to take life by the horns. I'm 36, similar relationship story but don't feel as you do. OH and I have our own hobbies, have been travelling together and separately. I did some peak week holiday repping, no friends needed. I also went backpacking with some girl friends, had a mini beach break with one best friend. OH goes on weekends away with friends. I tried new things, such as circus classes, language classes. He took up new sports.
Yes we make most life decisions together, such as a new car or house extension. However, he gets to choose the decor for the study, as its his room. I buy most of our children's clothes and toys.
Step up, work out a few things you'd like to try and go do it (when you can, obviously).

[Muminlockdown2020]

He is the sole provider of income. Because of this I feel like I can't ask or that I'm wasting his money or being selfish because it's something that is just for me, so I don't ask. He has never told me I can't do something or have something but I just don't ask. When lockdown is over I am definitely going to try and change.

With regards to working there's a few reasons why I don't work at the moment. It works better for our family that I am at home. We don't have any other family members who help us with childcare and we can't afford out of school clubs etc so I need to be here to cover childcare during school holidays and before and after school.
My husband works very long hours so does not /has not ever taken time off for the children.

[Floralnomad]

Totally agree with Cloudfrost . I’ve been married for 30 yrs and with my dh for 34 , our dc are adult ( one disabled and still dependent) . We have separate interests as well as the things we decide on and do together and I can honestly say I’ve never felt like the grass is greener elsewhere .