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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Playing gooseberry to my boyfriend and my female best friend

48 replies

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 20:05

I came here as I have concerns about interactions between my boyfriend and my female best friend that exclude me. They aren't hanging out in person but it's very new so could lead to that. They have been playing online Xbox with their headsets on recently - meaning it's a two way conversation between them and I am excluded. Just yesterday she was on the phone and when I said my partner would be online in a few minutes she was quick to end the call so they could chat. We had only been chat 5 mins or so ourselves at that point. I literally could have put her on speaker so we could chat three-way but she chose to leave the call. They are friends on SnapChat and talk a bit even though he deleted me on their some time ago for some unknown reason. I'd feel less weird and not excluded if it were a female friend of his but it feels wrong because she is my best friend and doesn't know him that well anyways. I feel like a gooseberry when they're chatting for an hour or more at a time.

OP posts:

TildaTurnip · 23/05/2020 21:24

Have you asked about why he deleted you from Snapchat?

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 21:26

It was like 2 years ago now since he deleted me. I did mention it but never really understood why and didn't really get much of an answer. Just we don't really talk on there much anyways. Think he might have mentioned about preferring to catch up in person rather than seeing daily snap updates kind of thing. It didn't seem that big of a deal even though I didn't like it - "He deleted me on Snapchat, didn't seem like a plausible excuse to break up" so I didn't prod too much. It's only in like the last 6 months or so they have been Snapchat friends and only recently talking so it again didn't seem like I had any leg to stand on to complain. Especially since there's such a time gap between him deleting me and adding her - not sure the two can be compared 🤷

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 23/05/2020 21:28

about me being the only girl for him - that he doesn't want the same qualities in his girlfriend as a female friend

That doesn't sound great. So you're not a female friend? Does he respect you? Is he interested in what you think, say? I suspect the quality he is referring to is a stereotypical house based one. It will depend how you want your future to look. Think carefully on this. He's telling you how it's going to be.

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 21:29

I don't know if I'm over reacting though to say that they're "spending time together" when it's an online thing. And after about an hour and half we do have us time watching Netflix etc. So it's not like he's completely sacked me off but I don't see why it can't be the three of us interacting you know?

OP posts:

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 21:37

I don't think he meant it like that. There was more depth to the conversation. He told me he is the only girl he's ever introduced to his daughter; he talked about I'm the first person he turns to when he needs someone to talk to about anything that's bothering him or problems he's having; he said he loves our joined sense of humours; all the important stuff. He did talk about how he loves my bond with his kids - but not in the way that he wants a house wife to look after them all. He has been alone for many years before me, he does it all anyways. I believe the things he was telling me. I honestly just think he's being naive that the situation is really awkward because he's not the one third wheeling so in his eyes, it doesn't feel weird.

OP posts:

waytheleaveswork · 23/05/2020 21:37

OP I think it's interesting that you mentioned how living together in lock down has brought its own challenges and that you are feeling a bit insecure about the relationship at the moment anyway.

I would suggest you try and divert your focus to things you CAN do with your boyfriend and create some quality time with him. And do the same with your friend - talk about other things and remind yourself why you value her friendship.

It's been 8 weeks of a very stressful experience - it would be a shame to lose a good friend and a good relationship over a gaming session which both of them have reassured you about.

If you put your efforts into having some decent, quality time with your bf and he is still prioritizing your friend/ spending too much time gaming, or minimizing your feelings, then yes, of course, rethink the relationship and call it a day.

Maybe this experience has revealed some areas where your relationship is lacking but it sounds like you could use it to strengthen both relationships separately.

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 21:46

Honestly I can't tell you how refreshing it was to read that response! I think this is what it's about more than anything. I seem to be defending him quite a bit on here despite my inner turmoil over this. It's because I didn't post this for people to get out their pitch forks or for a war on men. He really is a great guy and I don't think for one minute it was ever his intention to hurt me. Either of them for that matter. I think she's bored with not being able to hang out with anyone and he's enjoying learning from her. But I can't help but feel inadequate for not having similar interests inside of lockdown. Holidays together last year was amazing - we found lots of common activities that we loved to do together. And when there was no lock down we could go out and have the best of times. We would often impulsively book a night away at bank holidays near a beach somewhere and talk the night away, lots of laughs. I think your advice is probably spot on tbf

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 23/05/2020 21:46

OP this is how Emotional Affairs begin... sorry

waytheleaveswork · 23/05/2020 21:51

I'm glad it was helpful. Maybe you could talk about this with him and make a couple of nice plans for the coming week, even if it's just small things like cooking something new, doing some exercise etc?

I do think it is important to trust your instincts if they continue spending a lot of time together - as others have said, it could easily tip into something else, but for now try and see it as an opportunity to take control of how you spend your time together. Best of luck.

AramintaLee · 23/05/2020 22:28

I don't think there's anything sinister here or that it will turn into anything sinister. It's not like they're having emotional chats and presumably you're in the room when they have the headsets on? I for one would be super pleased if my boyfriend and my best mate shared a hobby, but I can appreciate there must be a part of you that feels like a third wheel. Can you get involved with the gaming? Get a headset for yourself as well to join in?

I'm sure it's something that will fizzle out when "normal life" resumes. Try not to let it take up too much headspace in the mean time as I don't think there's any intent to exclude you.

Sugartitss · 24/05/2020 01:28

Tell her to fuck off.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/05/2020 19:58

you doing okay OP

Onemansoapopera · 31/05/2020 20:25

Your instincts are probably spot on OP. Also, the fact he's sat in a room with you chatting away to your best mate. Regardless of their mutual reassurance - you ARE excluded, right under your nose. And them being on other social media together when you are excluded? Weird. Really. You know your man best.

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 31/05/2020 20:33

@BumbleBeee69 thank you. That's really kind of you to check in. I am ok thank you. He doesn't speak with her online anymore as they were. I spoke to my friend about it also and she said in hindsight she thinks if it were the other way around and she sat with her boyfriend, excluded whilst he gamed and chatted with me, it would probably get to her just the same. So there has been no more of it. We do still seem to be bickering a lot though. As we haven't previously lived together, it is hard to say if it's the stresses of lockdown so I have to say I feel pretty torn. We have some stuff to work through - failing that, it might not be reparable. I guess time will tell.

OP posts:

Candyfloss99 · 31/05/2020 20:38

When you said it gives you knots in your stomach. That's when you know it needs to stop. It's giving you anxiety. Tell him. If he's happy to make you feel like that then it's time to leave.

Spillinteas · 31/05/2020 20:40

He’s knocked you off snap chat so you can’t see their interactions. This is joe my friend caught her ex cheating on her with another friend. Both of their icons kept going to the top of the list and you could clearly tell they were taking to each other.

They might not be seeing each other but they clearly enjoy taking to each other.

For me - I’d get out of this early.

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 31/05/2020 20:41

@Onemansoapopera. Yes I suppose more weird on his part. She's friends with both of us on there; and she quite freely adds acquaintances on social media so it's not that odd on her part. But it is him that has her on Snap but not me, his own girlfriend and he was the one that added her first. I probably sound naive to everyone who is probably thinking he's definitely into her... He's certainly not the cheating type and I think it probably does just boil down to a shared interest/hobbies but I was excluded none the less.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 31/05/2020 20:43

Me and him have not been SnapChat friends for about a year and a half. He added her much much later, probably within the last 6 months I would say. So not sure the two are related.

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 31/05/2020 22:49

If he's only just been living with you since lockdown.. How do you know they've only just started talking whilst gaming?

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 31/05/2020 23:49

Onemansoapopera. He only purchased Xbox Live these last couple of weeks. I was here when he did it.

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 01/06/2020 00:25

Ah that explains it.

spongedog · 01/06/2020 00:54

Please research emotional affairs. It is all to do with boundaries and being crossed. Many lead to sexual affairs. But actually the betrayal from an emotional affair is perhaps even worse.

AtFirstIWasAfraid · 01/06/2020 18:53

Hi OP, I know this advice may not be what you want to hear but I have been in a similar situation. My ex had a female best friend before we met, I always had a gut feeling about her and never met her throughout our whole relationship.

Recently, he left me to be in a relationship with her. I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I didn’t feel quite right about their friendship and he made out it was nothing and it was all fine. He told me they spoke once a year and it was all one sided (looking back I was an idiot to believe that). Since we split he told me that he always spoke to her throughout the relationship and they met up every few months. Unbeknownst to me.

I’m not saying your DP is having an affair, nor am I saying it may lead to that. All I saying is sometimes, some men say all the right things to throw you off the scent. They learn to hide things better and still do what they want regardless of your feelings.

I wish I’d have stuck with my gut feeling in the beginning, when it was easier to walk away. Now I have 2 DC, it hasn’t been as clean a split.

We have that gut instinct for a reason and there is only so long you can ignore it for. Just keep you’re eyes open

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