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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Playing gooseberry to my boyfriend and my female best friend

48 replies

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 20:05

I came here as I have concerns about interactions between my boyfriend and my female best friend that exclude me. They aren't hanging out in person but it's very new so could lead to that. They have been playing online Xbox with their headsets on recently - meaning it's a two way conversation between them and I am excluded. Just yesterday she was on the phone and when I said my partner would be online in a few minutes she was quick to end the call so they could chat. We had only been chat 5 mins or so ourselves at that point. I literally could have put her on speaker so we could chat three-way but she chose to leave the call. They are friends on SnapChat and talk a bit even though he deleted me on their some time ago for some unknown reason. I'd feel less weird and not excluded if it were a female friend of his but it feels wrong because she is my best friend and doesn't know him that well anyways. I feel like a gooseberry when they're chatting for an hour or more at a time.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 23/05/2020 20:08

I wouldnt tolerate that. Be prepared for them to gaslight you over it though and make you feel like youre imagining it.

TheVanguardSix · 23/05/2020 20:08

Oh dear. I’ll lay it on the line sharply (forgive me), but it sounds like you’ve inadvertently become their matchmaker. It doesn’t sound great, OP. And she’s on Snapchat with him... but you, his GF, are not?

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 23/05/2020 20:11

So he deleted you on Snapchat but kept her? Yeah, think they are into each other - how long have you been together?

Ryah1 · 23/05/2020 20:11

I think you should ask her what’s going on. Don’t be confrontational, try to stay calm. I’m sorry but they should not be having such interactions, it’s a slippery slope.

TheVanguardSix · 23/05/2020 20:12

Oh yes. What bran said! They’ll make you feel like the unreasonable one, the ‘jealous’ type. Don’t doubt your gut feeling here. And your best friend is really not behaving like one. Does she always insert herself into your relationships?

funnylittlefloozie · 23/05/2020 20:13

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

I think im too jaded to play these games any more. If my boyfriend was more keen to spend time with some other woman than with me, i'd set him free to go and be with her.

You should be the one that your boyfriend chooses to spend time with above all others. I have a lot of male friends, and i like spending time with them... but i prefer spening time with my boyfriend above anyone else. Hes my best friend and my favourite person.

Why aren't you your boyfriend's favourite person to spend time with?

Melissamum40 · 23/05/2020 20:14

Yes go with your instinct, something is definitely going on mentally.

Ninkanink · 23/05/2020 20:16

Fuck. That. Shit.

I’d be getting rid of both of them.

GoyourOwnWay1 · 23/05/2020 20:20

Yes, Ditch them both.

sarahc336 · 23/05/2020 20:22

Firstly this is not on, second if any of my friends did this I'd be phasing her out and thirdly get shot of him too, they're being dis respectful to you and I agree if you mention it I think they'll play the your crazy card, tread carefully or just get rid sorry for bluntness but would you ever do this with your boyfriends male best friend??

CobblersPose · 23/05/2020 20:23

Yep both taking the piss there. Ask him why you're not on his snapchat a well. Good Luck

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 20:23

Even thought it's only online? And one thing I should say in her defence is she did message me to ok it. But only after the first online gaming session. Just to ask if I was ok with it and to say I should know I can tell her if I'm not.

OP posts:

category12 · 23/05/2020 20:24

Let them have at it. Don't stick around for this rubbish. Neither are worth keeping in your life.

Chista · 23/05/2020 20:29

It sounds like she asked your permission to connect with him on a platform that they have in common. Now you are being excluded and I fear, for you, you will slowly get cut out. They may use it as an excuse to hang out in RL. Sorry OP but I agree with the others. She is not being a good friend - but have you spoken to her about how you feel.

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 20:31

I think he just thinks it's not a big deal cos it's just online gaming, not like they're meeting up. He referred to her as a friend but he only knows her from me. Only met a few times on nights out so not like we hang out loads. I wouldn't mind if it were just the gaming element. It's the headset thing too. I've compared it to me phoning a male best friend of his and him being excluded from the conversation. He says it's just so he can learn how to play from her and she can talk him through stuff. I know he doesn't know the game too well see. And I am in the room so it's not like they're are flirting. But in my gut it feels wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 20:35

No I haven't spoken to her. I don't want to sound crazy. It has literally only been this week so may fizzle out and don't want to make accusations that will hurt anyone. And also, I want to sort it out with my boyfriend first and foremost. I don't want a situation where I put her in the middle of our conflicts because I think that would make it worse. Like will they be messaging about what I am saying? I would rather me and him be united in this and be on the same page.

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 23/05/2020 20:42

What did he say when you asked him about deleting you from snapchat?!

PicsInRed · 23/05/2020 20:43

Yep, wisdom of age, both dumped.

Cloudfrost · 23/05/2020 20:44

I think you are over investing, she ok'd it with you. She is teaching him in the game which means she is better at it, so obviously she likes gaming. It's her hobby and I wouldn't think too much about her ending the call to go game, she was excited to go do her hobby

Cloudfrost · 23/05/2020 20:44

Over reacting* not investing 😂

LetTheSecretOut · 23/05/2020 20:51

I think they have crossed a line OP. Is this a fairly new relationship?

Isitsixoclockalready · 23/05/2020 21:01

For me, I wouldn't feel awkward about saying that it made me uncomfortable.

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 21:10

No not a new relationship. We have been together about 3 and half years. I know it doesn't sound much like it, I do really trust him. I think if I'm honest it's pure jealousy that they are interacting without me. Friends support each other and so you naturally go to your best friend for relationship advice or if you have a Barney and need to talk it out.. How can I do that with the girl who's befriending him? I feel like she's piggy in the middle of the relationship by getting too close. I don't think it helps that we're in lockdown either. I guess that means so much time together it's natural he's probably happy to talk to someone other than me 😂 but he doesn't even call his own friends or online game cos they don't tend to play consoles. We're still working from home so even though we are together all day, I feel like we have less quality time. I don't normally live with him but decided we would go into lockdown together. We are bickering and I feel like all we really do is watch TV. We don't have too many shared interests, so it could just be me being insecure and feeling inadequate.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2020 21:12

I suspect this is just exactly what it says in the tin, they are gaming and only gaming op.

Original poster

Daydreamer07 · 23/05/2020 21:17

I'm whittering on a bit I know. But there's so much I can't get out all at once 🤷 the first evening after they gamed, I told him how I felt and I have to say he was super supportive, no gaslighting. He was very reassuring about me being the only girl for him - that he doesn't want the same qualities in his girlfriend as a female friend, so we are compatible on a much deeper level. He talked about his plans for our future. We agreed we felt closer than ever after this chat. But as he played online with her the next day, I have to say I felt no different. It still felt weird and gave me knots in my stomach. I didn't handle it great and shut down, not really talking... But he could tell there was something wrong and was annoyed at me for "moping" around because he thought our chat the night before was enough that I felt I could go back to him if I felt no different the next time.

OP posts:

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