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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone realised during lockdown that their relationship is poor?

50 replies

Whitegrenache · 23/05/2020 17:56

Been with dp 18 years
2 dc 14 dd 11 ds
Both have good jobs and a fabulous house and lifestyle
No abuse

Not had sex in over a year (I have Zero sex drive and always have had))

Last time we had a weekend away together he got so pissed that he ended up going to bed and ruining the evening

We don't talk
He doesn't spend time with the kid
We sleep in separate rooms and don't really care

He Comes home from work, eats tea then sits on iPad and we can't watch anything on tv together as we have completely different interests

He Has no hobbies and in normal circumstances had no social life unless occasionally going to pub on his own and chatting to locals.

If we split up I would giving up my dream home and the kids would be upset.

I would be financially secure as I have always supported myself.

But just not sure when enough is enough iyswim?

I have realised we are simply not "together" as a couple just live as a family

I have never felt so lonely even though I have a house of 4 people.

Any advise?

I'm not unhappy just a bit fed up
I certainly don't want anyone else

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitegrenache · 23/05/2020 18:09

Anyone

OP posts:
pog100 · 23/05/2020 18:26

I have no experience but since no one has answered it seems p plain to me that you are wasting valuable years of your life. I would split, you are very likely to be much happier.

Windmillwhirl · 23/05/2020 18:30

You are wasting your life for a house?

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/05/2020 18:32

Happiness, a fulfilling relationship, to love and be loved versus a building?

The kids may be upset that their status quo will change. But he doesn't interact with them anyway, so I doubt they'd be upset for long. They'll adapt and move on.

You're miserable; he's miserable - that can't be hidden from the kids. Do you want them to learn that marraiges are miserable and they should stick with it regardless? Would you want that for them? Because of a house?

daisyjgrey · 23/05/2020 18:35

Your kids are growing up using your relationship as a model. Is it one you would want them to repeat or mimic?

It's not abusive no, but it's loveless. I ended my marriage for pretty much the same reason. I'll be damned if my daughter was going to grow up thinking that this is what a marriage was.

That was nearly 7 years ago and I have a fiancé now. She sees us hold hands and be loving and cuddly. We can't get everything right for our kids, but I want her to see what a loving relationship is.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 23/05/2020 18:41

Oh god
Lots to think about

See I am not sure if I am unhappy as such

And I feel sick at the thought of having the conversation with him and the dc Sad

OP posts:
Microwaveoven · 23/05/2020 18:44

With the right parenting the kids will get over it. And you can buy another house.
Sounds like a boring, soulless and loveless marriage.
You can't bring yourself to have sex with him, he can't bring himself to spend time with you. You have nothing in common. Just be aware you don't get another life. This isn't the practice round. This is it. You need to either talk it out and actually make changes on both side. Big fucking changes. Or you. Split up.

Babdoc · 23/05/2020 18:51

OP, do you want to spend the next 40 years like this, having a miserable non life? Because if not, you need to take the plunge, retake control of your life, and end this marriage. Nothing is going to improve until you do.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 23/05/2020 19:00

The thing is a do have a life - I have just secured my dream job, I have an active hobby and my kids are great company.

I guess it's choosing if this is enough

When lockdown is over I will be travelling away 2 nights a week - I just wonder if lockdown is making my feel anxious or if it's revealing my true feelings

Going to meet my best mate tomorrow for a walk and a chat (2 metres away!)

OP posts:
Littleshortcake · 23/05/2020 19:03

I really feel for you Flowers but even for the sake of the kids I don't think there is anything left. If you don't talk or even watch tv is he even your friend? I feel once you start the ball rolling you will feel relief. You have a great job and make a new beautiful a a happy home. Though it will be hard to cope with initially (18 years is so long) I think you owe it to yourself.

Gobbycop · 23/05/2020 19:46

I thought the same as the poster above.

You don't even sound like friends, he may as well be some stranger off the street.

VisionQuest · 23/05/2020 19:52

God this sounds utterly miserable. How can you not be unhappy? There's so much more to life than this.

Yes the thought of leaving is scary, I get that, but you've just got used to the status quo.

Personally I could not live like this. I certainly don't have a perfect marriage but from what you've said, you are living like housemates who don't particularly like each other!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2020 19:52

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Staying in such unhappiness will do your kids no favours either, you are also providing them with the blueprint here for their future relationships. Your kids know that you are miserable and certainly won’t say thanks mum to you for staying with their dad (and really for a house). They will call you daft for staying and could also accuse you of putting him before them.

Diabetes123 · 23/05/2020 19:54

Oh whitegrenache

Poor you very difficult but it sounds like your marriage is dead.....for want of a different phrase :( sorry you need to be true to yourself hunny. I agree with everyone you have one life live it and move on.

I left my beautiful 5 bedroom house and DD's just over 2 weeks ago to live a an ex local authority rented property :( but......I am so relieved that I don't have to pretend to be happy anymore :)

Yes its hard yes its emotional, my youngest DD will not speak to me at all which is hurting me beyond belief but I'm hoping she'll come round in time.

I hope you can find your inner strength and put yourself first rather than a building/kids etc you deserve to be happy :)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2020 19:56

They are all too aware also that their friends parents do not act like you two. They notice all too well that you have separate bedrooms and also pick up on your antipathy towards each other,

One day your kids will leave home and sooner rather than later, they are not stupid and they do pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken.

If you and he were still together then they will not want to come home very often, if at all.

SBLL · 23/05/2020 21:17

I could have written your post OP. No real advice, just a handhold and to let you know you aren't alone. Flowers Hope we both find the strength to leave one day. I am worried about DD who adores her dad but she will get over it. She is almost 3 now, I don't plan to leave for a few years until she is maybe 6 or 7. I fantasise about leaving most days. It's no way to live. Sending hugs.

Lifesnotapicnic · 23/05/2020 23:00

Me I feel like this and I really don't know what to do

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 24/05/2020 07:17

I'm in a similar marriage. I'm very unlikely to leave. We occasionally have moments of closeness but mainly we just get on with our own thing. I have no aspirations for ever having another relationship with a man.

Livandme · 24/05/2020 08:11

I think lockdown has allowed you time to see things differently.
I'd keep your thoughts to yourself for now and mull things over
I wouldnt be staying in a relationship for a house. I often see beautiful houses and they look amazing and perfect, then I wonder if they are happy homes.
There are houses and homes. Homes are filled with love, fun and laughter.
My house was filled with sadness so I can relate.
Wishing you luck

Chocolate123 · 24/05/2020 09:06

The kids will be ok I'm sure they gave already noticed. I'd rather live happy in a one bedroom apartment than in a dream house filled with material things which are just there to look good.

Stelmariah · 24/05/2020 09:14

I don’t think anyone needs a lockdown to realise that their relationship is in shambles. If anyone says they realised this and that and the other during lockdown they are lying. They knew it even before but turned a blind eye on it.

Bagelsandbrie · 24/05/2020 09:20

Going a little bit against the grain I think there is a lot to be said for being financially secure and having a nice house. I say that as someone who left my first dh when dd was little and I don’t regret that decision at all (16 years ago now) and I went through all kinds of financial difficulty so I am not saying stay regardless of how bad it is (!) but I do think people often jump ship looking for the initial rush and romance of a new relationship but actually long term - especially as we get older - there is a lot of value in just having a quiet, stable life.

Is there any chance you could rekindle anything do you think? Does he even realise there’s an issue or that you’re unhappy?

Stillfunny · 24/05/2020 09:24

Please leave now. I have a marriage like this of 30 years.And at 27 years in , he was unfaithful. I regret so much not leaving before . Now I am stuck at nearly 60 with few options.

If I had your opportunity , with the financial possibilities, absolutely do it. You don't necessarily have to leave the house , buy him out ?, and get a live in nanny to cover your travel days. Hell , you might even gain a friendly companion with them. !

Tardigrade001 · 24/05/2020 09:55

In my observation, a lot of couples I know live like that - at least half, maybe more. It's very common.
My own marriage was a bit like that, or so I thought. I was telling myself I couldn't leave 'just because'. Turned out he'd been cheating for a long time, so that made the decision easy. I wish I left earlier. It seems that women rarely leave without a 'big reason'. The question is, can you happily cohabit and still get what you want out of life, or do you feel miserable and suffocated?

CatEatCatWorld · 24/05/2020 10:00

My ex and I were the same (though didnt own a house) i finally had enough and called it off. My 15yo daughters first words when i told her were "i can't believe it took you so long". Children pick up on everything and know when things arent right. Wishing you the strength to do what you feel is right x

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