Anyone realised during lockdown that their relationship is poor?

[Whitegrenache]

Been with dp 18 years
2 dc 14 dd 11 ds
Both have good jobs and a fabulous house and lifestyle
No abuse

Not had sex in over a year (I have Zero sex drive and always have had))

Last time we had a weekend away together he got so pissed that he ended up going to bed and ruining the evening

We don't talk
He doesn't spend time with the kid
We sleep in separate rooms and don't really care

He Comes home from work, eats tea then sits on iPad and we can't watch anything on tv together as we have completely different interests

He Has no hobbies and in normal circumstances had no social life unless occasionally going to pub on his own and chatting to locals.

If we split up I would giving up my dream home and the kids would be upset.

I would be financially secure as I have always supported myself.

But just not sure when enough is enough iyswim?

I have realised we are simply not "together" as a couple just live as a family

I have never felt so lonely even though I have a house of 4 people.

Any advise?

I'm not unhappy just a bit fed up
I certainly don't want anyone else

Thing is kids grow up an leave home,then what will you do?.life is too short

Have you actually tried to talk to him to find out how he feels about it ?

I'm in a similar situation OP. My partner and I haven't had sex for over 3 years, since I was pregnant with our DD. I don't fancy him anymore and realise he was just a rebound from an ex fiancé who I was madly in love with. Unfortunately, I can't afford to leave. Although we have a decent amount of equity in our house, we are tied into a mortgage with a penalty for getting out early. I'm also worried about how it will affect our DD.

Thanks all and sorry to hear similar posters are feeling the same. I actually reached out to my mates on a small WhatsApp group and copied my OP and I was surprised how all 3 of them have similar lives and one had even contemplated divorce only a few months earlier and I had no idea and thought they were a very happy couple. Just goes to show.

I'm meeting my best friend today for a social distancing dog walk so will chat it through with her.
Gut instinct is to wait until this is over.
We actually spoke more yesterday and had a nice evening with the kids and had a laugh together as a family

Had a talk with dp tonight- we agreed to split up when lockdown was over 😢

Crikey....that was quick. How did the conversation go? What did you each say?

Oh, Whitegrenache....sorry, I thought you were the OP? Anyway, still....tell us about it. I'm in the same boat....no sex for about 3 years or so, separate bedrooms for about 6 years....we have nothing in common and dont really like each other...lots of low level arguing which is horrible for all.....two kids...

Pretty much he wasn't happy and wanted to move on an meet someone else - admitted hating coming home every night and wants to sell the house and move on

Hang on! I'm confused! You are the op, but you didnt show up as such with the different coloured background!!!

I am OP and similar to you x

@Sleepingboy confused too!

Well at least you are on the same page. That's a good thing. The last time a couple of years ago I told him I wanted to split up he didn't want to as it would financially ruin him....yeah, that was his reason....not because he loved me and wanted to be married to me....nothing has changed and I just want to split up....

Life’s too short, if you’re unhappy end it, you will be so much happier!!

Had a good chat tonight. He will move out and rent a house and we will share custody of kids. I'll take over mortgage and stay here. We have land and animals so make sense to keep the house. When kids are grown we will sell the home and we will both get equal amount of equity (although technically I will be paying more won't I if I pay the mortgage myself for the next few years) I just take this into consideration.

Feel quite content and we are actually talking and getting on well. We will tell kids when he finds another property and is ready to moves out

I could have written this, except I know our marriage has been over for some time. I am too scared/comfortable to move.

I don't earn very much but should be able to afford a house if we sold ours. The problem is I couldn't afford to stay in the area, whereas my husband could. The last we spoke about splitting up he said he would want joint custody of our DD so I don't know how this would work with schooling etc.

I panicked last time we discussed this and said I didn't want to split up. He said he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. Since then we have gradually moved into separate rooms and barely talk. He is not abusive, the atmosphere is tense from my side but I don't think he notices. He is wfh and I am currently furloughed so he is always around although generally upstairs. He is quite selfish with his time and now I am not walking does not lift a finger but was pretty crap before lockdown. Our DD adores him though, even though he only gives her limited amounts of his time.
My DD knows things aren't right. She is 8 and has a friend whose parents have recently split. She often say that we don't love each other and worried that we will divorce. She is generally quite an anxious child and I am worried that us splitting would make things worse - or they could make things better if things are calmer and happier. I don't know what to do for the best.

• working - I can walk

@JCo76 it's really hard xx

I was going to ask if you thought he was unhappy too but clearly he is. Sadly it’s pretty rare for any relationship to last the long haul when one party doesn’t want sex.

@Antipodeancousin
Yes that's what finally decided it for us
He is the silent type and doesn't show his emotions and he admitted he has not been happy for over a year which breaks my heart really as I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I'm having a wobble today I'll be honest and I just want to give him a hug.
Still we agreed we would be amicable and protect the kids at all costs

It's very difficult when you are comfortable but unhappy. We've not had sex for about three years. I don't want to have sex with a man who is like an overgrown selfish smelly teenager but he isn't now abusive, just mean and selfish.

I feel the same here. I’ve circled round wanting to leave on and off for years, but have made life work overall with friendships, work, hobbies etc. Lockdown and a couple of other things have stripped all that away and I am just not sure what’s left now.

He’s not a bad man, in many ways he’s a good man, but we don’t make each other happy anymore. I don’t think he would want to end things though. And it would be really complicated to unpick it all and sell up for family/work reasons. And we’ve got kids.

Ugh. Is it really worth setting off this bomb under all our lives? Is making everyone else unhappier and poorer just to give me the potential of something else justified?? I feel so confused.

I feel exactly the same I've put up with it for 9 years now. In some ways its calmed down now as I dont challenge everything. Is it worth the upset for my children? But on the other hand I dont want to be with him anymore, I'm irritated every day and I am so lonely for some adult company and fun. Someone to share my life with and who has an interest in me as my ' d 'h certainly doesn't.

Bloody hell - dp only went and told Dd 14 last night without me as he "couldn't hold it in any longer "

She was upset but I talked to her afterwards and she's ok today - she's gone to her Saturday job today where there are adults who she is close to and who will support her

So we now have to tell ds 11 today
I wanted to wait until we had exact plans in place and a date when he will move out before we told them.

Any advice?

Kids aren't daft and he will have picked up on the fact that you're both unhappy. I think if you make it clear that the main focus and priority in all of this is them, their happiness and their security and make sure he knows that you still care about each other but are better as friends?

My dc are infant school age so it was probably a lot simpler to explain to them than an 11yo. Good luck op x

Oh, and he shouldn't have told her without you're discussion. And he can look for somewhere to move to now, house moves are permitted and I know people who have moved rental accommodation during the lockdown period. No need for him to hang around indefinitely, it'll just be confusing for the kids.