Either do everything yourself or accept shit standards.

[Dooglebam]

Anyone else in this boat?
I'm exhausted.
Both DH and I WFH but I'M doing all the planning, organising, most of the meal planning, cooking, homeschooling. This is what I'm up against:
-He cooks a meal but forgets to add vegetables and we're served piles of carbohydrates.

• So I cook, he washes up and he leaves the sink full of scum, sides not wiped down, cooker top covered in food.

-Homeschooling- he does it,but sits on hos phone teaching DCs nothing, I look at their work afterwards and it's wrong, he seemingly doesn't care.

• We head out for a walk, he wanders around miles infront guessing house prices and comparing garden sizes whilst I deal with the DCs who are squabbling/asking questions/want to talk about how they're finding things.
• Jobs around the house are unfinished and there are piles of rubbish in the garden that pose as a hazard. I have to write him lists and send him reminders to complete jobs and clear up after himself. He cuts the hedges and leaves the cut offs strewn across the lawn and pavement.

I have talked to him about his shit standards over and over and over again. I have cried, shouted, made myself ill.

So... do I do everything or accept his shit standards?

It's a tough call!!! 👎

OP, this is relatable, and I don't think your standards are insanely high or unreasonable. Some things are not relative or about preferences, they're hygiene basics.

Funny how these men can all function in the workplace. I remember giving my (quite senior, well paid) DH an actual lesson in how to wash a pan, like demonstrating each step and how to tell when it is clean. It felt unfair (then) to complain about underperformance if it was a genuine skill gap. He still leaves them slick with oil or with burnt stuff crusted to the underside. It's not standards or technical capability, it's a choice and an attitude.

I'm sorry your counsellor wasn't wise to the behaviour pattern and allowed him to manipulate them. I think you sound to have your shit together and would cope just fine without the extra burden of the largest and most troublesome child. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

You will flourish by yourself. You already do everything, but don't under estimate the huge weight of resentment that comes with doing everything while someone else watches

Get everything organised then leave when you are ready. It will be fine. You will be fine. It might even be good for him!

Have you ever heard of the story "My wife left me because I left a glass by the sink".

He genuinely didn't see the issue with leaving his glass by the sink because he thought he was being "helpful" in the useless man way he had.

But every day his wife cleaned the kitchen after dinner and loaded the dishwasher and as soon as she was finished he would dump his dirty glass by the sink.

Despite telling him he still continued to do it. So she left him.

In his eyes, she divorced him over a trivial glass. In her eyes, she divorced him because despite saying over and over again he had no consideration for her effort or her feelings. She felt like he had no respect for her.

I think this kind of sums up your situation.

OP,

You sound completely together and reasonable to me.

Listening to both yours and @Gutterton's stories I don't know how you manage the rage.

I honestly could imagine wanting to kill my husband for imposing so much unnecessary stress on me.

But ye both are very strong women.

Get out OP and life can only improve.

In þhe meantime, stop organising anything.

If he wants a bike ride, keep saying "sure, you organise it" On a loop. If it doesn't it's on him, and make sure it's clear it's on him.

I also think you need to start going for long walks every day. Leave them with him and get away from them with some exercise.

Also stop doing stuff for him. "Sorry don't/didn't have time, too busy".

Definitely start disengagement with him.

You can do this OP.

It doesn’t sound like there’s much love, if any, left in your relationship. The issues you mention all sound like part of a bigger picture. You sound very resentful of him - I would be to, he sounds like a complete arse. You know you can do better, either by being by your yourself or by leaving him and finding a man who is the complete opposite to him (they do exist, I promise!) you’re waiting for him to change - why? Go find someone better. Don’t settle for this, life is too short to waste on such a miserable marriage.

The problem is that I quite like to get out on bike rides etc myself, so if I want to do something with the children, it's up to me to organise, plan and prepare everything as he seemingly has no motivation to actually DO anything. Perhaps I need to step back and show him that unless he motivates himself nothing happens and we will just be sat at home all day every day.

Although I've no doubt, he would just find freedom through his own solitary hobbies and be prepared to allow the children to just sit at home all day.

What would happen if you go out for a bike ride and leave the children with him? Just do it, surely he can parent his own children for a few hours.

He does regularly parent the children on his own. I'm wanting to tire the children out and get them outside to exercise. DH also wants this in theory, but seems to sabotage the preparations to make it happen. Taking them alone is too much hard work as they are young (4 and 5).

Urgh been there. In my experience they never change. We separated and now I do it all myself but without the added baggage of constantly feeling pissed off that someone else should be doing it.

Arrgh, he is a grown up man who holds down a job and perfectly capable of sharing all the chores equally. He chooses not to do it because he doesn’t care enough, he’s lazy and he thinks it’s women’s work. It’s disrespectful of him to do this to his family and you don’t need an extra child. He won’t change of course. Why would he? He’s got it all set up so he’s comfortable.

Think we married the same guy.
Mine seemed to think that because he was a big earner , that is all he had to do. I could cope most of the time, but then sheer frustration would turn me into the " nagging " wife and even my DCs would then turn on me for being mad and often shouting , so I was the bad guy.

But it is exhausting I know. It meant I could never delegate to him , trust him to do anything properly, found myself coaxing him like a child to do a job that I couldn't do myself. If it didn't matter to him , then it didn't matter.

And repeatedly told by some that it was just a thing I had to accept
Which I did although resentfully .
But then I discovered he cheated , which then meant he had absolutely no redeeming features and he is on the way out.

Incidentally he is now doing great work around in an attempt to reconcile with me. But instead of praising him, I just ask why it took 3 years to fix to paint the wall, fix the garden , etc.

Op- have to spoke to him about what needs doing and how to finish the job. You say he has never had to do these things so before throwing in the towel I would give th another chance.
Say something like, oh the hedge looks great, don't forget to put all the rubbish in the garden him though, it's collection day on Wednesday.
I get the impression If you split up its you who will be left with the children, he doesn't come across as one who will step up to his parental duties. He will just get with another woman and move straight in with her.