Doodlebam after he left my depression and stress evaporated over night.
There was an additional level going on which was around disciplining and parenting the children which was totally divisive. He would covertly sabotage every routine, boundary etc I put in place - so the house was out of control - not just on a practical level but also on the more important emotional and behavioural stuff. He was seen as Disney dad - and I was the exhausted enforcer - I had to be more dysfunctionally authoritative than I wanted to be just to stop us all going over board in the boat he was rocking.
When he left this dynamic dissipated - I had so much more clarity and emotional and physical energy because I was not being exhausted by anger and frustration which I was able to redirect to create a calm and peaceful home where everyone treats each other with kindness and respect and sees each other as part of a team.
I can totally relate to your DH goading you telling you he won’t change for you and is prepared to separate - and you knowing this isn’t what he wants - what he wants is you to capitulate and submit. And he believes you will - because you always have (to date). It’s a blinking competition.
In the end I got my DH to leave not just because of the total drudge I turned into with respect to doing everything (although I should have left years before just for this) - but it was the impact on the DCs - his ridiculous lazy indulgent divisive parenting was totally toxic for them and I knew they deserved better.
Even though I had got him to leave for short periods before - he was absolutely shell shocked when it happened. It just proved again how disrespectful and dismissive he was of me - totally contemptuous behaviours like a fuck you teenager.
It was v v hard for me to articulate what was going on and I sounded nuts to the outside world that we were getting divorced because he was a soft dad and sloppy around the house. He was always seen as Mr Nice Guy and by then I would have been seen as uptight and seething. But it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks - it matters how you feel day in day out.
He saw how much better the home ran without him emotionally and this really shocked him. One of his classic lines was that I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own and that our oldest son would choose to go and live with him. Neither of these things happened. I had dropped the vocal nagging rage stuff months before so there was no escalating fights. I resisted his goading and was just v distant just “customer services” polite. I learnt all this on here.
6 months later we had couples therapy and then our own individual therapy which had a massive positive impact and we put the family back together. We needed the time and space of a separation to emotionally detox for the therapy to work (we had loads before whilst still married) - he needed the cold light of day to fully engage. He is a very different, much better, emotionally intimate and supportive partner now. Our relationship is on a much deeper level and total equal footing. I have had many moments when I feel bitter about the past and what he put us all through. But he is deeply sorry and has moved mountains to atone and had never ever behaved like this since.
His background as the golden child of an engulfing controlling narc mother and an alcoholic dad explained (but didn’t excuse) his behaviours. He had the entitlement and expectation that he didn’t have to “adult” - which was one level of it - but also he was subconsciously taking his contempt and resentment that he had for his controlling mother directly out on me. It was covert abuse which caused me incredible damage and distress and he is fully aware of this and is now v actively supportive of me.