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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you break up over a known issue

58 replies

Judiwench · 23/05/2020 12:10

I've been in a relationship for a matter of months and there was an issue for him that would be resolved imminently when we started going out. Its outing so dont want to say what it is. Instead of the issue resolving, it has grown arms and legs and got far worse.

I want out of the relationship because I now feel trapped and have had time over lockdown to realise that it's not worth the stress. The issue is on the cusp of being resolved- but that's been said since the beginning of the relationship.

Its causing massive issues and he is in a bad place, is it awful of me to decide enough is enough?

OP posts:

Original poster

Judiwench · 23/05/2020 20:20

What do you think is causing you to feel such a sense of obligation?

I have a horrible sense of needing to do the "right thing" by people. I know where it comes from and have spent a huge amount of time talking it and the wider issue over with therapists but I still really struggle with it. Objectively I can see the right thing for both people can be splitting up with the other, even if one is in a bad situation.

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 23/05/2020 20:41

As others have already said, if you aren't happy in the relationship & want to end it, then that is what you should do. You do not have to stick with it & should not feel that obligated after a few months. Without knowing the crux of the problem/issue, maybe it is just timing...it isn't right for you now & you are feeling stress about the issue or relationship in general. Step back, find your comfort zone. Maybe he will resolve it & ye can discuss it then but for now, you should trust yourself & your instinct.

Original poster

Judiwench · 23/05/2020 20:46

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel no, but he does have an ex which is part of the problem. We all have a past, but I'm at the end of the road with his.

I'm concerned because lockdown has made him very depressed and he is isolated as a result of the divorce (there's more than this but this is the easy, non outing bit) but I feel that I can't put my mental health behind his any longer. Especially after so little time.

OP posts:

Dery · 23/05/2020 20:50

“Objectively I can see the right thing for both people can be splitting up with the other, even if one is in a bad situation.”

In a situation like this, it only has to be the right thing for you. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s the right thing for him.

Actually, I’m a bit of a people pleaser too - less so now that I’m well into middle age - so I know how awkward it can feel if you have to give someone news they don’t want to hear. But he will be fine and you owe it to yourself to leave the relationship if it isn’t working for you.

PicsInRed · 23/05/2020 21:57

If it's a custody wrangle, that won't be outing. It's BAU round these parts.

I could guess from your first post that it was a "straight forward divorce" that turned out to be messy. How long were they separated? Is he attempting to gain custody and sell the family home?

copycopypaste · 23/05/2020 21:59

Leave if it's not right, these things grow legs and snowball.

Original poster

Judiwench · 23/05/2020 22:16

PicsInRed no kids, separated for a few months.

Division of assets is a problem and I dont like what I'm seeing. They have a few shared interests and he is being screwed over. But there's two sides to every story and I only see one.

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PicsInRed · 23/05/2020 22:57

If they have no kids, how is he being screwed over? It will be a 50/50 split, surely. They were only separated a few months and he was dating?

He's not ready to be dating. Or the timeline was a lie by him. Or both.

Original poster

Judiwench · 23/05/2020 23:06

PicsInRed it's to do with who brought what assets to the marriage. I know divorce is ten a penny on here, but I'm trying to be vague because it's such a bloody stupid situation.

I completely agree on not being ready - they both started dating very quickly. And the timeline was fuzzy at the beginning but apparently I misunderstood this. This was ironed out a few weeks in but admittedly still niggles.

The one thing I do know however, is that I'm not the OW. I wouldn't be hesitating in that case. I've met his ex (another thing I'm not happy about).

OP posts:

C0RA · 23/05/2020 23:10

So you want to do the “ right thing “.

And this is defined as doing what he wants. Whereas doing what YOU want is NOT “ the right thing “.

Can you explain that to me please ?

Original poster

Judiwench · 23/05/2020 23:15

And this is defined as doing what he wants.

Not quite. It's more about not abandoning someone when they're in a shit place.

OP posts:

C0RA · 23/05/2020 23:35

Abandoning is a very strong word. So would you be leaving him homeless or jobless ? Are you planning to empty his bank account before you go ?

Or do you simply mean stop dating him ?

funnylittlefloozie · 23/05/2020 23:36

This is all FAR too much drama for such a short relationship. Really, what are you getting out of it? If you're not joyful in the relationship, just move on. Nothing is worth this much hassle. Relationships should be loving, fun and easy.

Original poster

Judiwench · 23/05/2020 23:52

C0RA hes in a pretty bad place right now and it would seem I've become his only support which is terrifying in itself. However, yes all I'd be doing is stopping dating him.

Exactly funny, that's sort of where I'm at. I hate it. I should have walked away after the first date.

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 24/05/2020 00:32

How is his only support in a difficult time someone he has known a matter of months? Where are his family & friends?

Maybe explain to him it is too much for you too soon & you don't feel equipped for it (or you don't want to deal with it). Could you then tell a friend of his you've finished it so at least one person knows where things are at if you are truly concerned for his wellbeing.

CodenameVillanelle · 24/05/2020 06:36

Does he have no friends? No family?
If he genuinely has nobody to rely on other than a woman he's been dating a few months that is a huge red flag in itself and doesn't mean you have to stay around. However I don't believe he has nobody else - he may have chosen to dump it all on you but that doesn't mean he doesn't have support elsewhere if he chooses.
I really hate to see women put men before their own wants, needs and well-being. Please don't do it any longer.

Musti · 24/05/2020 06:44

You've only just started seeing him and you're already having doubts..if you don't want to be worth someone you don't need any reason to end it.

Iflyaway · 24/05/2020 07:00

I want out of the relationship because I now feel trapped and have had time over lockdown to realise that it's not worth the stress

So, that is all you need to know. Just do it. If a relationship doesn't "tick the boxes", just end it and move on.

Happynow001 · 24/05/2020 07:02

This is all too much, too soon OP.

I just somehow feel I should stay because I should have foreseen it would drag on. This is not your problem to solve.

I'm concerned because lockdown has made him very depressed and he is isolated as a result of the divorce (there's more than this but this is the easy, non outing bit)
You are right at the beginning of a relationship - should still be having fun, not picking up this burden. He needs to lean on other, more long term people in his life. Parents? Friends? Siblings? Or maybe a therapist for himself.

but I feel that I can't put my mental health behind his any longer. Especially after so little time.
This is the right response I think. Thank goodness you decided to stay physically separate during lockdown because this situation could have been worse if you were actually living in the same home.

I think you need to be brave @Judiwench and tell him you can't be his support and will not be seeing him/be in contact any further. To be honest, neither of you are ready.

Once you've told him, maybe give yourself some space by blocking him on all platforms at least for a while or you may find yourself dragged back again at some stage. Good luck OP. 🌹

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 24/05/2020 07:09

He’s not your responsibility though I understand your desire to be kind. It’s not kind to keep a doomed relationship going any longer than it needs to.

He doomed this relationship by passing you all his emotional baggage way too early. You don’t owe him your mental health. Do the kind thing by ending it ASAP so he can get himself sorted. This will never work, but he might learn a lesson needed for a future relationship.

Iflyaway · 24/05/2020 07:17

I have a horrible sense of needing to do the "right thing" by people.

I have this too. I think it's somewhere between being a "people pleaser" and being too empathic....

Never got me anywhere. Just people taking advantage.

I do have boundaries though. It's self preservation. The older I get the easier it is to spot....It's an ongoing thing. getting in touch with my inner bitch lol

C0RA · 24/05/2020 08:52

So somehow, within a matter of weeks of starting to date this man, you have become his carer who is solely responsible for meeting all his emotional needs.

Surely you can see this isn’t normal and you need to walk away now before you become any more enmeshed? Clearly he is the kind of person who dumps all his issues on the women he is seeing. And you are the kind of person who tends to feel responsible for other people when you are not - who loves to feel needed.

Im also wondering how many of this current drama he has created himself by how he is acting in his divorce. Or whether he might be over-stating things to draw you in by his neediness. Does he tell you how loving and caring you are, and that you are not like his ex / past GF who were selfish / heartless / uncaring ? That you are a really special and kind person?

Anyway, it seems that your issues and his issues are a toxic combination and it’s never going to work for you. But I think you know that now.

Limpetlike · 24/05/2020 08:57

Exactly what @CORA just said. And in the nicest possible way, OP, stop right now with the rescuer syndrome. Is this a pattern for you, that you take on damaged and needy people as ‘projects’ and feel a sense of moral obligation towards them?

Friendsofmine · 24/05/2020 09:00

I think you need to end it then look at how to ensure you have better boundaries and take care of yourself before any new partner again.

A "fuzzy timeline" with divorce and dating is usually code for he is a gaslighting two timer anyway who loves to blame others and play the poor me card when the shit hits the fan.

Original poster

Judiwench · 24/05/2020 11:41

So somehow, within a matter of weeks of starting to date this man, you have become his carer who is solely responsible for meeting all his emotional needs.

Months. But yes, I set a load of boundaries over the last few weeks about specific issues I didn't want to be dumped on me. He has stuck to that mainly, but there's not a lot else going on right now.

I can see it and have been pulling back massively over the past few weeks. I'm grateful for being apart because being out of the situation has made me realise it isn't a good relationship and I don't want this.

His family is abroad, but the lack of social circle when he has been here years has really bugged me.

Thank you all, I have a couple of friends telling me not to walk away and that's making it quite difficult when I can see myself I should.

OP posts:

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