He won’t leave

[Ireallyneedhelp]

Name changed for this and I going to be very honest here.

My DP and I have always had a volatile relationship spanning over 16 years. We have periods where we can work together and periods where we are shouting, swearing and blaming each other for everything. It gets so heated and we say nasty things to each other. In the past we have been violent with each other too. I have anger issues, and I don’t know where this comes from.

We have a 2 year old and although we work hard to shield her from the above, I know eventually this will impact her. I don’t want her to grow up thinking this is a healthy relationship. He rarely spends any quality time me. I feel we share household chores and child care. I am the higher earner and own the home and pay most of the bills.

As it’s been like this for 16 years, I don’t think our relationship will ever change and I’m tired of it. In the past we have separated a number of times and then ended up back together, promising to try harder but always failing. I’m so unhappy. I am too ashamed to tell anyone in RL how bad my relationship can be and everyone thinks I’m ‘hard work’ and DH is a saint anyway. I have asked him to leave but he doesn’t and I would never call the police, although I appreciate this is an option.

I feel really suicidal today and I don’t want to do this anymore. I have tried counselling in the past but this has never helped. They are often timid and I need a counsellor who is going to challenge my thinking rather than just listen.

I just needed to put this out there. I don’t know what I’m expecting really. Of course I know people will say we need to separate, this is bad for DD etc.

So sorry to read this. If you feel suicidal please stop and call the Samaritans or other help lines, someone else with more experience will be along shortly to give you other support telephone numbers I am sure. I would like to challenge your thinking though....why is is bad for your DD to have you separate? Do you really think her growing up in this environment will be a good thing? You have tried your best to get this relationship where it needs to be. It hasn't happened, you and your daughter deserve the best and peaceful life now and so does your husband. Question yourself if you want your DD to grow up thinking this is what a marriage is so I will look for a man who will mirror my parents relationship?

Thanks for reading. I don’t think it will be bad for Dd if we separate. I know her dad will still see her. I just don’t know how to get out of this rut and feel like i have been here a hundred times. if I find the strength to separate there is no going back as I don’t want dd to think this normal.

Would it help to write down how you see your life in 6/12 months time, after you have separated? What your day would look like, how you would spend your evenings, how you would manage the interaction with your ex. Write it all down, the good and the bad. By really focussing on the future you can start building it.

That’s really good advice Sarahlou63 thank you

Why is it that he won’t leave? Is it the money do you think? I take it you’re not married, so he won’t be entitled to anything when you separate. If you can afford it, could you maybe help him get up on his feet so that he can leave?

Is there likely to be a dispute about custody or do you think you can work that out easily between you?

Easy peasy, you own the home: so sell it and move.

No he won’t be entitled to anything nor would he try to take anything from me. He has always maintained that and has never said anything I own is his. I think we would come to an arrangement with DD.
He doesn’t want to move out as he likes the idea of being a family, he feels his home is with us and his also comfortable. His just a shit partner.

I could help him look and move out.
I would never sell up and just move away. That isn’t a sensible option. I have dd to think about, she will still need to see her dad and my parents and family support are close by. Including his family who she adores.
I know I could leave but it’s not ‘easy
Peasy’.

It really is, in comparison with staying with a shit partner anyway.

You dont need to move away, find another place nearby. Rent for a while if need be.

Honestly op you are making this far harder than it has to be. If you dont want to sell then be serious about getting him out. Stop coddling him. He doesnt need help to move out. He doesnt want to move. He needs told to leave or you'll call the police. Give him a deadline. 2 months is more than fair.

And dont say staying is good for your child. Staying in a toxic environment is not good for your child. And if you have to sell your home and move to put an end to it then get it done!

I don’t know why people are suggesting you move out of the home you own and let him stay there, that’s batshit. You’re not even married and it’s your house. Not his. Don’t not leave your own home.

You need to start making it clear it’s over, tell everyone it’s over, tell everyone he’s refusing to leave your home. Shame him if needs be. And yes if it comes to it, call the police to have him evicted. Let him know that is what will happen. Give him a timeline to get out. Help him find properties if he needs it. Tell him you want it to be amicable but make it clear it’s over

Then act like it’s over, start to have separate lives. Buy your own food, sleep in separate rooms. Agree a split of childcare.

If you don’t want to sell up (perfectly understandable) then you need to get serious with him and tell him he must leave.

As pp said, give him a deadline, if he’s not gone by then, call the police.

Or lose another 16 years being miserable. Up to you.

I maintain that a toxic environment is very unhealthy for children. It impacts on their mental health including mood and self- esteem. It will also impact the type of relationship she has when older. I believe that separation is better for children then an unhappy relationship or toxic environment. And to be fair to DP he will continue to be her father both financially and physically.
I know we need to separate, I need to find the emotional strength to do what needs to be done. Part of the problem is things will settle in a couple of days and then we will be fine, then shit again.
I am not making excuses or being defensive. I agree with you

Bluntness is absolutely right. You don’t need his permission to separate, just do it. Even if he’s still living there. He can’t say you’re a family if you’re living separate lives, and he won’t be so comfortable either.

You are right about how this will affect your daughter, but what about you? What about your partner? All three of you are / will be miserable.

I grew up in a household like this - there’s no way you are successfully shielding your daughter from it. And yes, it will affect her when she’s older if you let it go on a moment longer.

Seems like your biggest problem is getting him out.

How about you tell him you want another trial separation. He agrees as he has done before. He expects you’ll take him back like you did before and suspects nothing. At this point tell your parents his parents everybody it’s a trial split.

You look together at nice flats on the internet for him, suitable for when he has dc over. Safe, clean, near school.

He gets the rental docs in his name and you could give him some money for the deposit or deposit plus first month if he’s struggling or you need to sweeten the deal.

Then you could get the locks changed on your house so he no longer has a key and tell him you don’t want to get back together again. Tell your parents etc. He’s already out. Job done. Yeah he’ll winge and whine and perhaps get mad but you’ve won.

The reason I’m saying to tell people is in case anything violent happens to you. I hope it doesn’t and it probably won’t but if he has anger issues or thinks he’s losing you for ever he might over react. I had an ex who did the ‘if I can’t have you nobody else will’ routine and beat me, so perhaps my experience is not the norm but I’m just mentioning so you can be safe.

Thanks Elieza

If he's refusing to leave when you want him to go and you own the house, then you need to make him. Calling the police would be the most efficient way, but i can understand why you wouldnt want to do that.

So instead, you need to find him somewhere temporary to stay, and send him there. Call his parents, or his brother or his best friend, and tell them that you've broken up and he needs a place to stay. These conversations will SUCK and they will be disgustingly awkward and miserable and you shouldnt have to have them, and I'm so sorry, but you're probably going to need to.

Have the conversation. Tell him you want him to leave. Give him the chance to go himself. If he refuses, don't push it. Wait til he goes out for a walk, or send him to the shops (to get something you don't need, don't send him to get any essentials) and pack him a suitcase. Clothes, laptop, electronics, chargers, anything really precious or expensive, and put it outside the front door. Put the door on the chain and don't open it. Tell him to take his bag and go to his friends. Then close the door, go into the house and IGNORE HIM. This is going to suck, but you can do it.

When he's gone, keep the door on the chain and call a locksmith ASAP, tell them it's urgent and get them to come and change the locks.

This is not going to be pleasant, but it is so necessary, and you are so brave. You are 100% the mother your daughter deserves and I (a complete stranger on the internet) am hugely proud of your strength and courage. Call someone you trust, tell them what's going on. Tell them you don't want to hear their opinion right now but you need their support. You can do this.

Oops crosspost with Elieza

I think the trial separation is a good way to go.
Tell him you are worried about DD.
That you think you both need time apart to sort things out, that you need space to process things.
Keep it nice and calm, and make him think it is his idea .
Then just never let him back again.

As brutal as this was I’m glad I posted and I am going to write down a plan. This will include focusing on what my life will look like without him, helping him find somewhere to stay, I will speak to his mom and family if I need to and arranging how contact with dd will work. I also have to look out some of my own behaviour which I feel could impact dd such as my quick temper, shouting and swearing: I am not the victim in this and I give as good as I get which is why I wouldn’t call the police on him.
I think I want to call it a separation for now, I’m hurting now and if I’m honest it hasn’t always been shit

Im sorry you’re feeling this way OP, I hope you get out of this rut soon

On a separate note though, why is he not entitled to anything? You’ve been together over a decade and have a child, in UK law at least he could be entitled to a trust on your property.

If this was a reverse people would be telling OP to lawyer up and get everything she possibly could from him for all the years she spent supporting his career and raising his child, why is it different for OP’s partner? OP herself has admitted that they have both been violent and unkind throughout the relationship so it is not as if he is some monster who doesn’t deserve a penny.

@PersephoneandHades. You are absolutely right. He is entitled to something should he wish to pursue this and tbh I wouldn’t begrudge him this. He helped get a deposit for my house, he did a lot of work to our first home ( I also owned) which added a lot of value. He has supported me when I have been out of work and if I needed something now he would find a way to get it. Which is why I would never call the police on him. He is not a monster. We are toxic together

If you know your toxic, then you also it's time to part for good.
A little at is a good idea.

I'm sorry to hear all this OP. You are certainly doing the right thing by your DD in that you recognise this isnt healthy for her and looking for a way out. If it's your home he will have to leave though I appreciate it's easier said than done. In regards to other people, screw what they think. You are the one living in this relationship and if you were honest, how much of the being volatile it down o your deep unhappiness? All i can suggest is an honest chat, tell him he has to leave and if he refused then you will call the police. Even if your bluffing. I hope everything works out for you and your DD. In regards to feeling suicidal samaritans, and maybe work out what you want your future to look like, write it down and refer to it often. All the best

Sometimes parents actually get on better from different houses! That way when the blaming ie shouting starts one can just leave before the situation escalates to violence. It may suit you both much better! Whether you remain dating and enjoy each other’s company during the limited times you see each other or just be parents who get along and want the dc to be happy.

In the past could it be that you’ve gotten along so well while living in different houses that you’ve thought your problems were over and moved in again instead of leaving the situation as is? Perhaps that’s where you two went wrong. Stay apart!! Do NOT under any circs move back in together!

PS in case you are considering this, I’d suggest NOT trying to get him to stay with family as that’s not a long term measure. You don’t want to tell him its forever but if he stays with family for a month or two and gets fed up he will announce he’s coming back.
Horror. You don’t want that!

You want him somewhere nice and homely that he’s happy and the kids like so he enjoys staying there and has all his stuff there and really likes it. You can visit if you want to and it may be nice if you get along.

This is a time for hope. Tell your mum you’re going to ask him for a trial separation and tell him on a weeknight (better than weekend as he has a job to go to and isn’t hanging round the house all day moping and causing bother, plus police are less busy on weeknights if you need them urgently) that neither of you are happy and it would be best for you both and dc if you had a little break from each other, would he be able to get a nice flat if you look together etc. I’d he says he’ll sleep on a mates couch tell him “no that’s not fair I couldn’t ask that if you, no you need better, a short lease on a flat. We both need to be happy if we are going to make this work. You need your own space, living with mates etc isn’t fair on any of You”.

Fingers crossed OP.