How do I leave someone who still wants to be with me?

[Wilsonskye14]

I have it in my head that I don’t want to be this person. I know I’m not happy anymore, I want to be single, etc. The problem is, we’ve been engaged for 6 months and he still wants to be with me.
I know this because of the way he talks to me and he talks about our future all the time.
There’s a number of reasons I want to leave the relationship, but I’m just not happy anymore overall.
I have extreme anxiety, we live together, and we’re engaged. I don’t know how I’m supposed to leave him. I know everyone reacts differently, but I’m kind of panicking about not knowing how to go about it.
It’s killing me that I’m still stringing him along and believe me, I don’t want to, but I don’t know what to do.
I’ve even been having nightmares about tornadoes and looked it up, and the first thing that came up was that it means I’m emotionally confused or in a bad relationship. That can’t be a coincidence and is a big indicator how bad it is for me right now.
I’ve had literal butterflies in my stomach for weeks because I’m so nervous to. I feel like such a terrible human being.

Talk to him, get some space, think it through. If it's not for you, give the ring back, explain your reasons if you feel it's necessary to give him closure and wave goodbye.

You are NOT a terrible human being for not wanting to get married to him. It's a big sign that he is not right for you.
If you are unhappy now imagine how much worse it would get if you went on with this relationship.

Do you have friends or family you can confide in and who can help you in the practical matters?

There's lots of wise women on this site who can help you navigate your way out of this relationship. I don't live in UK so have little idea of the practicalities.

But you deserve so much more than the situation you are in at the moment. Maybe look for some online counselling - for you alone!

Life is so much better when you cut dead weight out of your life, believe me.

I honestly have none to talk to about this. My family is too biased. Some encourage me to stay and others to leave. I have no friends to confide in. That’s why I made this post because (especially with the virus right now), I’m virtually helpless. I’m only 24. I know I’m probably blowing this whole thing out of proportion but this is my first real long term relationship (2 years) and I don’t know the first thing about breaking up with anyone the right way, particularly when we’re engaged and living together.

Do you own or rent and are you jointly liable?

You need to think about where you can live and that will depend on the answer to the above.

First step is to get yourself on board. You're not happy and you don't think this can be fixed and you want to leave. But you're asking for advice from family about whether or not to leave as if anyone else can judge a relationship from the outside. You know. Trust yourself.

The second step is the break up that you want. Start a conversation about where you feel the relationship is going, and not going. You're allowed to just not be happy in a relationship. They don't have to do something specifically wrong for the two of you to not be well-matched in the long term. Two years is a nice length of time to be with someone - long enough to enjoy the beginning, figure out it's not really working for you, and move on... without the inevitable "but we've been together X years how can I possibly do this again?".

If you have somewhere else to go, the conversation will likely turn to where you'll live instead. What are your options? If your family could maybe house you, start the conversation with "I'm leaving (name) and I need to figure out my options. Can we talk about the possibility of me living with you?".

You're only helpless if you choose to be. Sort out somewhere to go, tell him you're not happy, the relationship isn't working for you and leave. You don't need his permission to end the relationship.

First thing's first, you are entitled to leave a relationship for any reason. you don't have to have justifications other than you're not feeling happy anymore. Reasoning doesn't really come into affairs of the heart, and if you're not feeling it you're not feeling it, and you will need to tell him as much as gently and honestly as you can. if you're concerned he may try to persist with the relationship you can acknowledge what he's saying and there might be things that are true but it still doesn't mean the relationship is right for you.

However all this said I would be careful that you're not letting your overall anxiety impact your decisions.Is your relationship the heart of your unhappiness or are you unhappy for other reasons and attributing this to your relationship? It's sometimes easier to put the cause of unhappiness at a more external factor than looking deep within yourself. It's a little concerning that you are using dreams to consolidate your decision making.

What are you doing presently to address your anxiety? Individual counselling might be helpful for you to work through a few things.

Is it your extreme anxiety about future or is the relation is over? Is this about your mental health?
I always believed it's better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them and that friendship is a solid foundation for marriage.

Plan the logistics. If you are to break up, you can't live together - so where will you live? Get that sorted. What's the situation where you currently live? e.g. Is your name is on the lease - can he afford to take it over himself? Get organised as to how you will leave so that you know you can.

It's okay just to say 'it's not working for me'. It's a kindness to him as well. Be strong x you can do this.

It's okay just to say 'it's not working for me'. It's a kindness to him as well. Be strong x you can do this.

This. Good luck.

He lives with me at my parents house. I tried confiding in my mom and she basically doesn’t want me to break up with him because he has very few places to go. Even though I explained to her how I felt she still doesn’t think I should because she feels bad for him..

Don't marry him. I did at 25, 48 now & still trying to get away. Miserable life.

Have you posted before? Is this the ex-drug addict boyfriend?

He lives with me at my parents house. I tried confiding in my mom and she basically doesn’t want me to break up with him because he has very few places to go. Even though I explained to her how I felt she still doesn’t think I should because she feels bad for him..

You move out and your mum can carry on her relationship with him for as long as she wants!

Yes this is that same one

Have you got anywhere you could move to? Grandparents?

If not, since you're struggling so much with this and your mum is frankly mad as a balloon, I think you should plan yourself an exit.

Find a house-share or bedsit for yourself, (or get yourself on a uni course and get a place in student housing), don't tell anyone until it's all settled. Then tell him it's over and move out.

Please ignore your mother. I don't know why she's putting him first?!

I don't know the back story, but it's irrelevant anyway.

You're not happy in your relationship - you're entitled to leave

I was 24 too when I felt the same about my partner. We were living together in a rented house. We had been together 8 years. Living together 4/5 years.

I won't lie (at the time) it was the hardest thing I'd ever done and it was horrible and hard, but at the same time the feeling if freedom was great! (Even though he was a lovely guy and not at all controlling - I just knew our lives were going in different directions).

I was having nightmares about our wedding almost every night. I just knew that I had to do it, no matter how hard it was.

My parents were thrilled
His mum was very upset (she was lovely! We got on so well, she's known me since I was a young teen and we lived with her for a while, she always said I was the daughter she never had).

It'll be hard (especially now), probably for a while and you might (at times) feel like you've done the wrong thing, but if you 'stay strong' and don't take him back, you'll come out the other side if it and won't regret it.

At the time I felt 'old' and concerned about 'starting again at my age'. Now, at 52, I shake my head at those thoughts, but they were how I felt at the time! You are so young though, even if you don't feel it!

I know it's a difficult time with CV & the restrictions, but he is not your responsibility - where he lives & what he does is his responsibility. Don't be sucked in to acting like his wife or mother - you're not

Good luck - you know what you need to do 🌷

If you were my dd, I'd be so worried for you being involved with someone with his history (and if I recall correctly, he's not working and he's not paying his way at all?) and I'd be on your side no matter what.

It's awful that you don't have that family support, and that's probably partially to blame for your anxiety etc. Sadly it means you need to mother yourself and be strong for yourself, not just be railroaded into a life you don't want.

Hi OP,

you are entitled to how you feel & if you aren't happy & want to finish it, then you don't need any other reason to leave relationship.

Did you want to get married when you got engaged or did you not know how to say No then? And if you did & were madly in love, what has happened to change it all for you? Not that it matters really, you are at this point now.

Maybe your Mum doesn't know or understand how unhappy you are? She wouldn't have you go ahead & actually marry him just because he has no-one where else to go?

Don't let that be your problem, it is not uo to you to fix all his problems. Could you stay with othet family/friends temporarily...just two weeks or so to allow him time to find somewhere else to rent & move out i he truly does not have someone who will take him in. It might help your Mum adjust her priorities too. Has he a job to afford rent? And you keep an eye on the lettings market in case you hear 'nothing suitable, too expensive'...excuses.

Good luck OP & hopefully soon you'll be sleeping well again, care free.

Sorry you have a bad mum. How on earth is some man more important than her dd. Tell her how miserable you are and how much you want him to move out. Any good parent would be straight in there telling him to fuck off out of my house. Does he pay towards the bills. Anyway he has no right to be there. Who cares if he's homeless he's an adult and can look after himself.

Go and read your other thread and ask yourself if you can even consider the thought of marrying this insufferable manchild. I don't understand how you possibly can still be with him.

One example of his manipulative nature but also an example of you being a passenger and not being accountable for your decisions. He guilt tripped you into using money set aside for your tax return to buy a puppy you didn't want to get.

When you posted before he, an adult man, had had one job for one day and another job for zero days - as he didn't turn up to his first day.

My god, don't waste your life with this eejit.

Time to grow up and own your decisions, take control of your life and get it over with.

And never again get engaged to someone who is so clearly not going to have the qualities team mate, equal partner and best friend that a decent partner has.

You will be SO relieved when it's over.

Ive felt this way on and off since about a year ago, but I convince myself to give him another chance because once I push away he acts sad and it pulls me in. I convince myself I can’t do better and I’m being too picky and to drop it.
I’m just now realizing how manipulative this is and how naive I am.
This guy has faults, but I can say he is a nice guy which makes all of this a little harder. That and our dog which was like a child to us died less than a month ago so the blow will be twofold.
I’m accountable for all that’s happened, I won’t argue with that. It’s just hard when this is my first real relationship that’s more than just a few month fling.
At the time I convinced myself he was who I was going to be with the rest of my life. But on and off since before we even got engaged I have these nagging feelings where I can’t picture a future with him anymore.
I’m not sure why my mom is being like she is (she actually doesn’t even like him because of him not paying bills or working). She just feels bad and told me to “talk to him and explain how I feel and hope it works out” but I tried telling her I’ve explained to him how I’ve felt numerous times and there’s no change or I go back to not wanting to be with him again. And I’m at a point now where I truly don’t want it to work out any longer. Me staying with him is only giving him what he wants and not what I want (something I’ve sacrificed 2 years of my life doing). I’m just done.
I’m angry at myself for being afraid to take that step, that’s why I was asking for advice on how to. I initially wanted to know if it was a good idea to even leave him because I didn’t trust my gut. Now I do trust it, but it’s the idea of doing it that scares the hell out of me. I’ve had butterflies and felt sick for over a week now.

Poor you, maybe what you need is a plan of action. Write down what it is you need to say to him, re-write it until you have it right, succinct & clear in the form of a letter. Keep the words in your mind so you can get them out more easily as you will likely feel nervous & stressed.

Pick a day & time. If you are sure you want to end the relationship, don't let nerves allow you to postpone.

Arrange a place to meet him where you will have some privacy, you'll know what you are going to say & if you feel you might get stuck on the words or he interrupts & prevents you finishing what you came to say, give him the letter you wrote. Stay while he reads it. Once he knows, you'll feel the fear of just having to say the words lift from you.

It is hard, no-one genuine likes to hurt another person. But you don't want to marry him or be with him & knowing that, why would he want to stay then.

His accommodation is his issue, he needs to get himself a job & stop relying on you & your family. Perhaps had he done so & given you a reason to admire & respect him, things may not have gone so wrong.

I could not stay with someone who makes zero effort, plenty are unemployed especially now thro no fault of their own but the important thing is not to give up & keep looking & trying.

You know what is right for you, just do it, cast of the chains & come back in a few weeks & tell us how much better your life is...

*off the chains..

Pack a bag OP and leave.

Leave a letter telling him its over.

Is there ANYONE or ANYWHERE you can go?

Get out of the house.

THEN tell your mother you want him out of the house and you need her support.

You are so young.

Get out.

There is absolutely NOTHING to feel bad about.