Husbands parents cause fights

[Flyaway01]

Hi guys,

I’m 32, my partner and I got married 3 years ago, no kids as I don’t feel that we’re in the right place to start having kids together. I would love you guys advice on this. So here goes.. my husbands never made the effort with me, To start with they didn’t want him to marry me, they wanted him to marry their friends daughter (they hadn’t even met me) but in the end we got married. So here it starts, every other day they interfere and my husband takes it all in and gives me the silent treatment. At the beginning of the marriage I would make a lot of effort with his family, I would go over, being back gifts from holidays, cook them dinner etc as months went by I started to realise I wasn’t appreciated, I was never really invited to anything, parties, dinners, they would just tell my “husband oh tell her”. I stopped going it’s been a few months, the problem is my husband goes over to his parents and his brothers at least 5 times a week (I don’t say anything, they’re his family) the issue is once he’s back he acts strange with me, at the beginning he would tell me oh my mum said this or that ( your wife doesn’t like us she hates us) or they’ll just turn up and criticise things in our home - why are there so many shoes here - why is there clothes there - oh I bet you don’t cook for my son and so on.. on my birthday we were suppose to fly out (jan) his mother rang him telling how Ill she is, after we missed our flight she was suddenly fine. The manipulate him and cause a lot of arguments between us and I’m started to feel like it was a bad idea marrying him. We had a argument last week and he still isn’t talking to me, I have a throat infection and his dad turned up (although we’re suppose to be self isolating) his dad was demanding I come see him but I was tired from not being able to sleep all night and there starts the silent treatment from my husband. we only ever fight when it’s something to do with his parents or family. We’ve spoke on this topic so many times and each time the same happens. I’m at my wits end, it’s effecting me emotionally and mentally to the point sometimes I feel like hurting myself as it hurts a lot being treated that way over nothing I’ve done.

Leave.

What were they like before you married?

Leave. If you have kids it could end up being them and the kids versus you.

Run for the hills!

Due to your H’s behaviour - spending lots of time with people who treat you badly, silent treatment” etc.

@Flyaway01
There's nothing to save here. There's no relationship, no love or care from him and he's behaving increasingly like his toxic parents. Thank goodness you decided not to have children at this stage as leaving, which it sounds you need to do, would be so much harder.

Take legal advice on the steps you need to take regarding separation and divorce. Gather, discreetly, any information regarding your combined finances, which may help. Do you have separate finances, bank accounts etc. No need to warn him at this stage that you are planning to leaving as he may make things more difficult for you.

Ensure you have important documents, eg financial, birth and marriage certificates, passport in a safe place so you can easily access and them with you when you move out.

Do you have somewhere outside the home to move to?

Good luck OP.

As long as his parents are in the picture, they rule if not directly but by the sound of things, most definitely by innuendo and influence. I’d be leaving them all to it.

His family are not even the primary problem: his choices / behaviours are.

At 32 and wanting DC suggest not spending more time in this marriage.

Five times a week? Apron strings!

Is it worth going to see them on your own and ask them outright if they have a problem with you? They obviously do, so I’d put them on the spot.

His loyalty should be with you and he should not be listening to their put downs, he should also be telling them they need to stop or he won’t be coming to see them. If he can’t do any of this, you have your answer, they’re more important than saving your relationship

Agree with bumble33s, yr husbands loyalty should be with you! And this 5 times a week visiting them business - what the heck!

Leave him and fgs, do not have kids with him. This is a dh problem, not pil. He’s sounds vile so get out now.

We had this with my in laws. It was miserable for a while and you could see DH was really torn, they are his parents after all. However whilst he did do things to try and keep the peace, that may at times have been to my disadvantage, I always knew he was on my side and in a really difficult position. And he saw as little of them as he could get away with, until one day there was a (fairly minor) last straw and he's been NC for 15 years.

I felt very guilty about that for a while but he has always insisted he's much happier for it.

I don't think passing family invitations through him is an issue in itself. My parents rarely speak to DH unless we're all together but they love him to bits. My mum has stopped cooking my favourites in preference to his!

It doesn't seem like you husband is on your side though, so I'm not sure if there can be a way forward here.

Also DH didn't go to see them unless I went too, precisely because he knew they would use having him alone to tell him all my faults and he wasn't prepared to give them that opportunity.

I’d leave him. You have one life. Don’t waste it.

Yup - agree with the others. Your problem is your DH.

I hate to say it, OP, but I agree with other posters - it's time to get out of this relationship. Have one more go of trying to talk to your partner about how you feel and what you realistically expect him to do about it and, if he refuses or continues behaving in this way, leave. It really is better to get out sooner rather than hoping for it to get better and wasting years of your life - I say this after 7 years in a marriage with someone who behaved the same as your partner.

To quote mn. You have a dh problem.

If you've spoken to him on this multiple times, it's time to walk away from him now.

Absolutely leave. This isn’t a loving relationship.

That's sounds very miserable, he's tied to his parents and they don't like you. If it's gone on this long they are not going to change. Leave for your own sanity and definitely don't have kids with him.

and I’m started to feel like it was a bad idea marrying him
You did - but it was a mistake. You can rectify mistakes.
This will never change.
And can you imagine having these assholes as your DC grand parents!?
Hell no!
You need to make your plans to leave.
He is 'stonewalling' you.
Google it - stonewalling abuse. It's a horrible thing to do.
You don't have to accept this.
It's affecting your mental health.
No MAN is ever worth that! EVER!
Do you have your own family at all?
Are they supportive?
Make your plans to leave as quickly as possible.
Thinking about hurting yourself over this is not OK and you need to leave to get some sanity back into your life!
Do it fast!!!

Your husband is spending time with people 5 times a week who seem to have nothing nice to say about you and won't call them out on it?

He is showing where his loyalty lies, and it's not with you

If your best friend posted this, what would your advice to her be?

You don't have to live in misery. Life can and should be better than this.

You can't possibly leave fast enough. Marrying him was a massive mistake but luckily one you can change.

Leave... I agree with everyone on this thread.. please leave this horrible spineless bastard

Leave immediately !!!
Then you've more time to find someone nice to have DCs with.