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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband of 1 year called me boring

26 replies

Dublirr · 21/05/2020 23:07

So I got married in March 2019 to someone I'd known for nearly 2 years.
I'm working as normal as I work in healthcare- he's not working atm as he works in events.
I went to work today and when I got home he asked if I wanted to go to a shop, I made a joke about not wanting to go but said I would. He knew I was on a heavy period too.
When we were nearly home he drove past our house to look at a house around the corner, he said ahhh look the flowers are so nice, I had period pain but I replied ah yes they are with not as much enthusiasm as him. Then he says in a rude tone, you are actually so boring you know that. Then quiet. Then we bump in into a single mother and little girl to which he is very enthusiastic about and he's always quite happy and even giggly when talking to them - I have had a bit of jealousy before about this but never confronted him as he calls the mum sister so don't want to cause awkwardness.

I try communicate issues like that but everyone it ends with him having an issue about me and my lack of trust or making something awkward.

Anyway... him saying what he did to Me today has hurt so much. We've watched some tv, spoken when spoken to and nothing more since. I don't want to let it drag, he knows from my reaction that I'm hurt. I've gone to bed now as I have work tomorrow. He did stroke my leg before I came up- but I didn't hug/kiss or say goodnight.

Feel so hurt, why did he marry me if I'm that boring

OP posts:

Fedhimtotigers · 21/05/2020 23:09

You've only known each other two years is that right?

Original poster

Dublirr · 21/05/2020 23:10

Yes, I had met him a year before that through a friend but it was never anything more then

OP posts:

Fedhimtotigers · 21/05/2020 23:15

That sounds pretty rushed. But I did similar but we had DS

If you've both gone into this and are only now seeing how different you are then there may be problems.

Is this a one off or common?

billy1966 · 21/05/2020 23:49

Only you know your relationship OP, but it certainly is a very unkind thing to say which is designed to upset and hurt.

There is no way you can interpret it as a compliment.

Speak to him when you feel stronger but for goodness sake don't get pregnant.

Make sure your contraception is air tight.

If things are unsettled, do not complicate things massively for YOU by getting pregnant.

Aria2015 · 22/05/2020 00:01

It's not the nicest thing to say to someone but to play devils advocate, if he's not working and you are, could it be he's a bit starved if interaction so perhaps took your not very enthusiastic response to heart a lashed out? These are strange times and people are not always being their best selves due to frustration, boredom etc... I'd say that if he doesn't usually act this way, to maybe just tell him that it hurt your feelings and move forward. Of course, if he regularly says things that aren't very nice that's a different matter...

Dadaist · 22/05/2020 00:14

You’ve both not had much time to embed a solid foundation.
For what it’s worth - my interpretation is that he doesn’t think you are boring - he thinks you’re bored of him. But rather than show that vulnerability-he’s reacting negatively to what he is experiencing as rejection.
Similarly-you are gritting you’re teeth and trying to indulge him while not really feeling up for fun. He is picking up on it and is assuming it’s related to how you feel about him - rather than that you’re just knackered!!
Communication is key I think.

Opentooffers · 22/05/2020 00:28

Times are difficult at the moment and people who work, just carry on. Can be hard to be stuck at home without purpose or stimulation, he's likely bored and looking for you to entertain him, but being male, he doesn't realise how shitty and tired you can feel during heavy period days.
What would be ideal would no doubt be a full back massage rather than a leg rub and someone who understands when you feel like you don't want to go to the shop after work But in times like these, you are more likely to come home to someone with cabin fever, who can only see what they need as being stuck in sucks and can drive many up the wall. So, if he'd ordinarily behave better, it's fair to cut him some slack at present.

MrsEricBana · 22/05/2020 00:31

I think don't read too much into it. You were shattered and, quite understandably, not too enthusiastic about someone else's flowers when you just wanted to go home. His feelings came out in an unkind comment. Having said that, if this is part of a pattern then don't dismiss it. Also, he should have shopped in the day! I NEVER expect dh to shop if he's been working and I haven't and vice versa.

OldWomanSaysThis · 22/05/2020 00:52

"You're boring" to someone who didn't share enthusiasm over something is common - I mean it's just a throw-away comment. It wouldn't bother me.
He agree with the above, he may be starved for interaction.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/05/2020 01:03

I think you need to communicate with each other: “ No I don’t want to go to the shop; I’ve been working all day and I’m having a heavy period and honestly I’m done in. Why don’t you go while I’m at work in future, then when I get home we can just chill and have a nice time together?”

vikingwife · 22/05/2020 06:07

A comment like “you’re boring” totally depends on the tone. It could easily be said in jest, frustration or contempt, etc.

For you to have taken what could potentially be a throwaway comment to heart, is it possible you are a bit insecure about some things within yourself that set his comment off? You mention feeling jealous of his friend & that your husband was lighting up around her. It reads to be she is a vibrant personality & positive attracts positive.

It sounds like your husband might have a more eager/positive type personality & vibes with people who are sharing this same eagerness & positivity about life. You describe him as like, exuberantly exclaiming over a flower on the road! I know we are in lockdown so people are starved for mental stimulation. I would have ribbed/made lighthearted fun at bloke for exclaiming over flowers, but that’s just my personality type! Like, “better boring than a grown straight man blubbering over that flower, think you’ve lost it during isolation babe! Shall we go back & pick it for you? I have a nice vase at home to put it in” etc. if you own your personality then a little throwaway comment like that could easily slide off you, provided it wasn’t said with contempt of course because we all know contempt is a killer of relationships !

If you aren’t bubbling with positivity that’s fine as long as you own it, are not ashamed & aren’t envying people who are rays of sunshine + happiness.

custardbear · 22/05/2020 06:14

Couldn't imagine my DH going anywhere to see flowers!
It's a bit unkind but perhaps he's bored.
I'm with those saying too he should shop when you're at work no point in you both going together, especially at the moment

Windmillwhirl · 22/05/2020 06:24

If he's so bored at home maybe he could fo a bit of gardening to entertain himself.

LesleysChestnutBob · 22/05/2020 06:33

You made a joke about not wanting to go to the shop but then said you would - why not just say you didn't want to go?

And him knowing you're on your period doesn't mean he would know you had period pain.

Do you love him?

Squeakyjoint · 22/05/2020 06:33

If his focus is totally on you, I would suggest he enriched his life by doing other things. If you stared at the most beautiful painting in the world only, forever it would become boring. As said already, it’s hard with the restrictions in place. You are not responsible for his ‘not being bored’. Perhaps then you’ll create things to talk about etc?

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 22/05/2020 06:44

What an arse !. I would have a word and remind him that you’re his wife not something he’s just trodden in.

Mix56 · 22/05/2020 07:22

He could plant flowers & pretty up your front garden.
He could have done a shop & cooked your dinner
Run you a bath
You are working he is not
Tell him he is boring, a lazy cliche, You are not on best form. He can remember this when he has man flu, & you want to go look at lambs in a field......

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/05/2020 07:56

Your communication is awful. You make jokes instead of saying what you mean. You don't 'confront' because it causes awkwardness - I see no issue to confront with him being happy around a friend. You should be discussing issues, like adults, not confronting which is an anger reaction. Then you both sulk and withdraw (or was that just you by any chance?). Then you expect him to 'know' you're upset by your withdrawal behaviour rather than having a discussion. You expect him to know you've period pain, but don't tell him. He tries to show affection at bedtime and again you withhold, but don't say anything.

It's like you set traps and when he doesn't read your mind, you get pissed off. It's all descending into a passive aggressive nightmare. Use your WORDS.if you have an issue, discuss it. Stop expecting him to be a mind reader. Stop sulking to punish him for not mind reading.

You need to learn how to communicate. Your wants and needs are valid. No one is psycho, not even husband's.

Skyla2005 · 22/05/2020 08:02

You had been at work and wasn’t feeling great. His not working. He should have been shopping while you were at work and made you dinner to have when you got in I would have been fed up too in your position not boring just fed up and I think you need to tell him that too

AnduinsGirl · 22/05/2020 08:05

This whole scenario could have been avoided if you just said what you meant at the beginning. "Babe I'm knackered and have period pain, how bout you go to the shops and I'll have a nap then we can cuddle up on sofa and watch a film."
I completely agree. Instead it sounds like you're using your period just justify being sulky and glum and expecting him to work out why.

NoMoreDickheads · 22/05/2020 10:56

He knew I was on a heavy period too.

To those saying otherwise, OP had told him. He is inconsiderate (he could've gone to the shops in the circumstances, especially as OP is still working and he isn't) and nasty in his comment that she is boring.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 22/05/2020 11:01

I do not mean to sound insulting but you both sound really young. Was this a rushed marriage? I’m not sure why not being enthusiastic about flowers is boring and I’m not sure why you’re upset by this? Seems like there are bigger issues here than this?

whyismyneck · 22/05/2020 11:13

Flowers sound pretty boring. So that's pretty ironic. He doesn't sound like a good fit you op. Are you in love with him?

Bunnymumy · 22/05/2020 11:20

Surely the bigger issue is that you cant bring up something about his behaviour that has upset you, for discussion, without him turning it round on you to make you feel like you are the bad guy.

That shit ain't normal.

5LeafPenguin · 22/05/2020 11:37

Hmmm. Only you know what they dynamics of the situation are.

You didn't really want to go on the trip, but you went and then were quiet on it when he extended the end...so there was no mistaking that you didn't want to be there then.

A couple of questions for you... not to answer online but they might help you to clarify things in your mind.

What would have happened if you had said a firm but fair no thank you to going out?

After he called you boring what would have happened if you'd said I'm sorry I'm not much company but I'm just not feeling too well.

Has anything else happened to bring up the thought that you don't know him very well after all.

Also, for some reason I was reminded of this and thought it might be interesting to you
www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/

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