Anyone considering / going through a breakup

[Lifeintime]

I am thinking of leave my dp which scares me. We have been having problems for a while now and it’s just not working. He still wants to keep trying but I’m not happy. I’m undecided about what to do. I don’t know whether being in lock down has given me time to think. Anyone else in a similar situation?

Yep, went through a break up less than a month ago! Happy to chat.

@mochizzy
Can you share your experience?
X

Hi @BustlingThrough.

Sure, I've posted about it here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3893807-Backtracking-on-a-breakup-strange-behaviour

In terms of advice to the original post, I would say that you should really hear that little voice telling you why you're unhappy and why it's not working. What do you see that could fundamentally change and how do you want your life to look on the other side of what we're living through?

Like you, I had been unhappy for a while and convinced myself that the pros outweighed the cons. But lockdown brought about some fundamental differences that made me assess what was good for me, not we. I think my XP came to the same conclusions with the benefit of space.

Yes I dumped my boyfriend of 18 months last week, I feel so much lighter, realised during lockdown that he's never going to change

Yes I am thinking about it. We have been together 19 months but since Xmas it hasn’t been great. I am starting to think there are too many things wrong for it ever to work. We don’t live together & we were talking earlier on about the lockdown & as he didn’t agree with me he just put the phone down on me. He is like a child!

@mochizzy I have read your post. Thankyou very helpful.
@MissSmiley I know the feeling of feeling lighter, I haven’t seen my partner in a week and I feel incredibly low but slightly more relaxed as there’s no arguments. How was the breakup for you? How did you come to the decision?
@Whattodonow6322
What kind of things are going wrong for you two?

@bustlingThrough
I should have ended it after six months, so many red flags, debt, nightmare ex, mental health problems but the sex was sooooo good, only now after ten weeks of no sex have I finally admitted to myself that that's not enough to build a relationship on

Did I mention I had a socially distanced date on Wednesday evening?

@BustlingThrough he has ever had a proper relationship before so in the beginning I let some things go but now we are suppose to be serious I am not sure if I can get over them. He doesn’t understand the responsibilities of having children. I think he wants a future with me but as soon as I am not all happy & positive he starts saying stuff to me about it how I cannot just relax & not having a life. He seems to think he is always right. This is my first relationship since the end of my marriage. I just want to be with someone who I am not constantly making excuses for.

What is going on with you & your DP? Why are u unhappy with the relationship?

@MissSmiley That’s so positive, well done. How did the date go?!

@whattodonow6322
That’s a difficult situation to be in and I totally understand your frustration. You’ve got to think about your own happiness. Do you both have the children together? Does he acknowledge that he’s not communicating properly?

My situation is that after one year of the relationship, communication went bad and we carried this on up until now when I decided to take some time out. It caused a lot of damage to the relationship. He suggested couples counselling but I felt it would be awkward.

@BustlingThrough no we don’t have children together. I have children from my previous relationship. No he won’t accept he cannot communicate properly as soon as he is unhappy like today he stops. He out the phone down on me today.

I did couple counselling with my ex husband and I would say it will only work if u want it to. If u have checked out already then there is no point

My first relationship after my marriage was lovely until his son was removed from his mother and came to live with him full time 🙄

My date seems quite keen, we have a similar background, he's tall and sexy and more importantly doesn't have any children 🤣

Yes I split with my bf at the begining of lockdown, in my heart I knew things weren't going well but the bustle of everyday life stopped be from wanting to deal with it but having spent more time with him and thinking, it was never going to get better and was getting rather toxic, well it was anyway I just didn't want to accept it but something just snapped and I said enough is enough, I just felt so much better afterwards after months of feeling my energy was drained and always feeling anxious over something, I now don't have to worry about anything or him at least! Of course at times I feel sad but then I just think of why it ended.

@Whattodonow6322 That’s really tough. Do you know what your next steps will be now he’s put the phone down?

@MissSmiley So glad he makes you happier. I love to hear positivity like that. Children has always been a deal breaker for me too. I wish you all the best with your new date.

@Crystalspider I have to agree with you with the bustle of life gets in the way of dealing with. Two months into lockdown, I have had plenty of time to think and the last argument I snapped too. I had also felt drained the past few months but like we both said, life would distract me. I have stayed because he’s been so loyal and we have a laugh, but when the bickering starts, it ruins it all. I’m glad you made the decision and you feel less anxious. May I ask how long it took you to decide to leave? How did you do it?

It’s been a week now where I have asked for space. We’re still in contact by text. He’s being understanding and telling me he will be there for me no matter what. I am so undecided still.

@BustlingThrough we have just spoken on the phone where he pointed out more of my many failings so I think we r through. I honestly don’t know how I feel 😢

What do u want to change in your relationship? Can your partner do the things u need?

@BustlingThrough We weren't living together but as he lived on his own I though it would be make or break if he came to stay with me during lockdown, it lasted a week... he got so controlling over the most petty things and being rude to me, it really wasn't good for my mental health to have him with me any longer. He hasn't contacted me at all since so I guess that goes to show I wasn't that special to him anyway.

At least yours is quite sweet but staying in touch with you, really depends on how bad the bickering is? maybe stay apart a bit longer until you know how you feel, if you do decide to carry on with him maybe go back basics and take it slow, if the bickering starts again then possibly your just not compatible enough?

@Bustlingthrough
What's your story?

@Whattodonow6322 That’s definitely one thing he shouldn’t be doing, listing off what he thinks are failures. What does he say you do or don’t do? From what I have researched healthy communication is key. Does he acknowledge what is doing to contribute to the unhappiness in the relationship?

@Whattodonow6322 For me, I’d like better communication in my relationship. For example; if one of us gets frustrated by something the other person says or does, to not end with a row. I’d rather us both take a breath and take a light hearted approach to things. We don’t have any major serious problems so there’s no need for the arguing.

@Crystalspider I suppose you saw the red flags and protected your mental health. I really admire you for that, not all of us are brave enough or have the guts. How do you feel now?

I definitely agree with you, about staying apart for a while. Once I’ve got my head screwed on a bit better, I will speak to him about us. Whether it’s to break up or to continue. I don’t expect him to wait for me, I want him to be happy too.

@MissSmiley Well my story I’m 27, never married or engaged, no children. He’s my third serious relationship, Id finally met someone who was ready to settle. However, bad communication became a habit and it spiralled. We’d always make up and the next day acted like it didn’t happen. Bad idea, we should have addressed it early on and made changes. So here we are now, I told him I needed space and time to think things over. He agrees to give it to me and said either way he will be there for me. I’m considering splitting up to keep my mental health in tact and starting to think about my own happiness. Life is so short.

MissSmiley oh my goodness that's exactly where I'm at. I've had 10 weeks of zero drama to realise how much I have in my life I actually enjoy. And his ex (or what I'm told of her) isn't on that list!

@BustlingThrough I feel empowered that I won't put up with any BS haha at times a still feel a bit sad it didn't work out but when you know it's never going to work there's no point wasting any more time and energy into the relationship it's just too draining.

@Crystalspider I totally get that feeling. When I told mine that I needed space, I felt some relief too. I could finally have time to myself to breathe. Thankyou for sharing your experience

His biggest problem with me is he said I cannot relax I am constantly on the go and he feels I am doing this to avoid facing up to how I feel about things. He asked me if I am depressed but I definitely don’t think I am.

@BustlingThrough I am quite a bit older than u and think if u don’t have children & feel like this now than u r most probably better of ending it now and meeting some one who can communicate properly. I think that is why my marriage failed we got caught up with life and stop communicating. The resentment built up and no amount of couple counselling could resolve it

My boyfriend of 8 months finished it yesterday. Lockdown is going to a bit harder now I think.