Anyone feel, or ever felt, really lost in life?

[CHARLonodn90]

I don't actually have a child or am not expecting - I like to talk on Mumsnet as it feels like a safe space.

I'm 36 and have no idea where i'm going and it absolutely sucks! I didn't have the best start in life. Absent father and junkie mum. I grew up with a few siblings who seemed to always accept the status quo but I always knew that the life I was living wasn't right. The norm would be to come home from school to discover there was no food in the cupboards and that the washing machine had been sold. Or even worse, I'd bring friends home to discover my mum and her junkie friends cooking heroin in a spoon in the kitchen.

I was always told by my mum, dad (when he bothered to show up) and siblings that I thought I was better than them because I used to question this sort of life and the fact that there must be better out there. They pretty much rejected me.

Anyway I got out! Yes! I moved to London ten years ago (at 26) to attempt an acting aspiration. But I haven't got around to it. Instead it's been 10 years of shitty admin jobs, bad relationships/friendships and seemingly losing my spirit :-( I used to be so confident and carefree. But all the years of negative input seem to have made me a shadow of my former self.

My issue (among many) is that I there are a lot of things I'd like to try my hand at. But they're all gonna take work and a few years. And I fear making the wrong choice and then wasting years on a road to nowhere.

My absolute biggest regret in life so far is absconding from education. I was always amongst the top of my class but I dropped out of school at 14. Siiiiigh.

Anyway, just bombarded with thoughts of a wasted life when I had/have quite a bit of potential.

I can relate. I’m around the same age and feeling similar. I think lockdown has really amplified it. Here if you want to talk.

You still have lots of time, I'm 39 and finally doing the art degree I dropped out on 20 years ago and it's going great! Time is going to pass anyway and you figure things out as they go. Just take the plunge and do something you've always wanted to. No cant's allowed! Stop living in the past, think of what its taught you. Completely unashamedly write a list of everything you want, then write steps to getting there and make sure you do something to get it. Put one front in front of the other and dont waste anymore time trapped in a past that has gone and a future that hasn't happened yet. I totally get where you are coming from, have spend my whole life feeling like this and am.taking my own advice at nearly 40. Better late than never! X

You had the most shocking childhood - where you were not parented but neglected and abused instead. This has left great big emotional gaps which leave you vulnerable. You are like a plant that has not been fed, watered, tended, sheltered, pruned etc. so you keep falling over / losing traction with respect to relationships and career.

The best thing you could do now is to immerse yourself in emotionally educating yourself about the impact of dysfunctional families on child emotional development. Then embarking on the process (therapy, self compassion, emotional growth) of filling those gaps. Once you have done the internal work the external stuff will fall into place nicely,

Well done for getting this far, for getting away, for knowing and wanting something different, healthy and substantial. You are a hero - you have survived so much.

@ceriane Thanks hun. And so sorry to hear that you're experiencing something similar. My mind frame tends to switch from subconscious (ego) to conscious but subconscious seems to always rule the roost! I've read a fair few self-development books over the years (The Power of Now and Stop Thinking Start Living among the good ones) and they do work for a little while but old habits.... Currently reading Just Fucking Do It. Which is really just telling me everything I already king of know but in a different way - like a friend talking to you. It basically discusses how you have to be in tune with the universe in order to manifest what you want (I know this as I've read The Secret - but again, the pesky ego wins!). It said to actually write down what you want. My struggle is that I have several paths i'd like to pursue. Anyway, I wrote them all down, and pursuing a fitness/PT qualification is one of them. I just did this this morning. I've literally just got an email from an organisation offering this qualification which i've looked into in the past but couldn't afford it, but, I imagine due to poor sales because of Covid, they were offering a major discount and and zero fee sign up offer, I've signed up! Coincidence or because I wrote it down as one of my desires...I don'y know. All I know is I was crying a river this morning feeling hopeless and helpless and now this!

I'd definitely give the book, or one that I've mentioned a go. I feel better knowing that i'm not the only one experiencing this.

And @anditgoeson It fills with with hope and joy to read this. My rational mind knows this. But it's always quite difficult for it to get a look in But I AM working on it. Fuck you, Ego!

You should be very proud of yourself. You've managed to get out from a very unhealthy environment and you sound mature and intelligent. I would say don't overthink. If there's something that you're even mildly curious about, see if you can apply for a course.
I'll leave it for another thread how unfair and wrong it is that education has become such a privilege instead of a right in this country but there are affordable, flexible courses about. Apply and dive in. You'll get loads out of it, and it will prove a stepping stone up other things... And just like that your life will have taken a new, exciting trajectory. All the best!

I think you hit the nail on the head there, life is so much easier when you have been nurtured properly.

Anditgoeson your advice is amazing!

www.futurelearn.com/

@gutterton Thank you. I try really hard to not consider myself a victim but it really was rough! I don't ever really share this story with anyone but I am harbouring a lot of resentment. My Mum's input is "Well at least I kept you and didn't put you into care". I envy people who moan about their parents calling them all the time to check up on them. My Mum only calls me to borrow money and never asks how i'm doing and how my life's doing in London. I know (my family) aren't good for me. They seem to resent me for moving away from my hometown. Deep down I know I have to disassociate.... I'm a complete dichotomy of tough cookie and scared little child!

Hi, I think you have done amazingly. I am surprised that you didn't end up in care.

No advice really, but getting where you have from where you started is amazing

Yes I recognise the “tough cookie and scared little child” - because you are a survivor. But you will have emotional deficits and you can address them, and they will keep tripping you up time and time again. Forget the superficial self help books - get the the root cause for once and for all fixing. This book would be a good start;

www.waterstones.com/book/toxic-parents/susan-forward9780553814828?awaid=3787&utm_source=redbrain&utm_medium=shopping&utm_campaign=css&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzZj2BRDVARIsABs3l9LGz10UxzCQy8GrWXRxyhIETjzduVA87wIZYlajs1PXr9iX3N4UwFAaAq_3EALw_wcB&awc=3787_1590088539_a678dbbfc95a665057b485185dccedf1

Hi Op
I can somewhat relate.
Im the only one out of my siblings to now have a job, i never finished college / went to uni and am now 30s and moved away from my family to "break the cycle". They all think im dead posh and look down my nose. I dont, and im not. I just have a job.

Im currently doing an Open Uni degree as you dont need gcse's or a levels to do them, theyre open to anyone (hence the name). Ive always felt not having finished education properly has held me back, so its another box to tick.

Just keep moving forward in your own way, dont compare yourself to others. There will always be more successful, and less successful, people than you. Just keep doing your best and muddling through.

I still dont know what i want to do when i grow up either, i just know what i enjoy, so i immerse myself in that.

Dont worry, most successful people dont have a clue what they want to do either, most people 'fall into' things by building their network and connections and uncovering a little niche for themselves. Then look back and realise theyre a 'success'.

@topcat2014 Thanks so much. As I said I don't discuss this with anyone so to hear that it was shitty, thus confirming my thoughts, really really helps. I mean I know it was, but to constantly hear from family members that "that's life, deal with it" stirs up a total conflict within.

I literally feel like I clawed myself out of that shit and these few comments empower me. I haven't come this far to weep in a corner like a cry baby! Tough Cookie anchoring the way!

Thank you, all xx

I know how you feel op, hope things pick up for you

I've been having a midlife crisis this lockdown. It brings everything up.

I just feel like I've squandered every opportunity I've had, lived for the moment and the short term and fucked up my future. I'm in a dead end job that's ok pay but I feel stifled. I'm qualified in my profession, but embarrassed that I've never had a promotion.

However as you cannot go backwards only forwards, I'm just vowing to start over and grab every opportunity that comes my way from now on. The jobs market is pretty screwed right now but it won't be forever.

@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep It's shit isn't it?! I'm so unbelievably conflicted between working towards a career that offers a comfortable lifestyle and somewhat of a nest egg and working towards a passion, of which I have a few - or what look like a few in my mind - which are

• Being a yoga instructor in Thailand or Goa - or anywhere that's not a typical rat race lifestyle.
• Pursuing acting - I have visions of being 45 and waitressing, desperately trying to make ends meet
• Teaching english in Central America
• Working on a vineyard in the south of France (been learning french off and on over the years

So, as you can see, my energy is all over the over the shop lol.

I guess my main passion would be acting. But I just don't feel it's realistic. And I fear I've left it too late. The older I get the more I panic about not having a plan to stabilise my future prospects. AGGGHHHHH! Somebody shoot me! I'm so confused. I'm a few Stella's deep so right now things seem hunky dory - i'll just bloody find a way to work towards them all! lol

@Gutterton It's a little over a week until payday - beans on toast week but i've just downloaded that book to my Kindle. Thank you.

Was listening to a 90s playlist on Spotify the other day and a Lauryn Hill song come on (Doowop That Thing, I think) and the poignant lyrics "How you gonna win if you aint right within" battered me to my core!

I have to sort my issues out. I'm just short of therapy, which I think I'll absolutely benefit from. Until then, I'm excited to absorb this book. x

Good for you - it might be uncomfortable to read in some parts - but don’t be scared to feel and cry ... big, ugly, snotty, sobbing if it comes ... that’s part of the process - it doesn’t mean you are a victim - it just means you have compassion for children. But take it at your own pace to get through to the healing stuff. Cheers to you on your journey. X

@Gutterton, A thousand thanks. I'm not a stranger to audible sobbing behind closed doors. Out in the world I wear my armour and don't show any vulnerability (it hasn't gone in my favour in the past) but to express it here has been so uplifting. I do appreciate the comments. From everybody. X

Do the career! Those others are more holiday options. Apart from anything else, you can only get temporary visas for those places and anyway, international travel is going to be weird from now on.

@gettingo funnily enough the career route is counselling. I've found tuition which costs thousands but I'd just love the idea of helping people suffering from mental instability. It can be so debilitating. I have first hand experience. And as part of the training one has to undergo a fair amount of personal therapy.

Keep in mind that life throws curveballs so don't worry too much about entirely focusing on the far future. This pandemic for a start has crippled industries that friends had been working their arses off for years to integrate and now they're pondering a career change. It's very good you have a plan and ideas. I'd suggest looking into counselling courses (I have gone through training so happy for you to private message me). The first level is usually an introduction and those courses tend to be cheap and not particularly time-consuming.
Nothing stops you from either before or after that course going travelling (COVID permitting obviously!) especially alone, it's incredibly freeing and really boosts your confidence. I originally come from a country whose nationals struggle to get visas to travel. It's a privilege to be able to do it, so if you can, go for it... One thing will lead to another!

@AbiBrown A lot of food for thought there, thanks. Yeah, I know I need a 30 hour introductory course first of all and i've found one offered by Birkbeck Uni (in London) and classes are in the evening. I'm aiming to sign up for it whenever they're reopening the doors. I don't want to really think too much about the road thereafter as it's a long and expensive one (but doable if the will is there, and it is) and I guess I can think about travelling for a month or so in between....

Yes do the intro/cert in counselling skills course - you will love it. I did it last year with one girl who was an actress and another who was a yoga teacher ! You could have a “portfolio career” - do them all on different days of the week - you can counselling on line so can be based anywhere in the world.
YOU would have so much to give with your personal experience and would find it personally enriching and intellectually stimulating.

There are some free MH courses on this link if you want to try stuff out.

www.futurelearn.com/subjects/psychology-and-mental-health-courses

Studying counselling sounds a great opportunity for you. Personal therapy and helping others! I agree with Gutterton about emotionally educating yourself. Some other reading material for you www.pete-walker.com. I have his book which has been amazing personal therapy dealing with childhood emotional neglect. Lots of free articles on the website. I used to read those self help books years ago but nothing ever touched me deeply than learning about my childhood emotional neglect and the crippling impact it has on us.