Anyone feel, or ever felt, really lost in life?

[CHARLonodn90]

I don't actually have a child or am not expecting - I like to talk on Mumsnet as it feels like a safe space.

I'm 36 and have no idea where i'm going and it absolutely sucks! I didn't have the best start in life. Absent father and junkie mum. I grew up with a few siblings who seemed to always accept the status quo but I always knew that the life I was living wasn't right. The norm would be to come home from school to discover there was no food in the cupboards and that the washing machine had been sold. Or even worse, I'd bring friends home to discover my mum and her junkie friends cooking heroin in a spoon in the kitchen.

I was always told by my mum, dad (when he bothered to show up) and siblings that I thought I was better than them because I used to question this sort of life and the fact that there must be better out there. They pretty much rejected me.

Anyway I got out! Yes! I moved to London ten years ago (at 26) to attempt an acting aspiration. But I haven't got around to it. Instead it's been 10 years of shitty admin jobs, bad relationships/friendships and seemingly losing my spirit :-( I used to be so confident and carefree. But all the years of negative input seem to have made me a shadow of my former self.

My issue (among many) is that I there are a lot of things I'd like to try my hand at. But they're all gonna take work and a few years. And I fear making the wrong choice and then wasting years on a road to nowhere.

My absolute biggest regret in life so far is absconding from education. I was always amongst the top of my class but I dropped out of school at 14. Siiiiigh.

Anyway, just bombarded with thoughts of a wasted life when I had/have quite a bit of potential.

Char, you have had such a difficult start. I am older than you and in a slightly different position (I have dcs) but I have definitely been doing a lot of reflecting recently (a mid-life thing in my case, I think). I too, was rejected of sorts and abused/neglected as a child but in a different way and my self esteem was ripped to shreds. Like you, I got out of the house at 26 and I have done admin jobs up until having dc3. What's more, I have also considered counselling as a route to take as I have had many life experiences and feel I might be able to give something back. Like Gutterton said, at the moment I am working on internal stuff and trying to be nicer to myself (I am constantly belittling myself/negative self talk and I am plagued by anxiety), I have also managed to secure some psychotherapy sessions via the NHS to try and unravel some stuff. Your travel plans sound exciting and I'm wishing you all the best x

@Gutterton Gone from despair to giddy! :- D I can and will do them all. The counselling is the most expensive but no pain no gain. I'll check out the link. You're a ledge, thanks X

@user48675 Ah thanks, pal :-) I know the negative self-talk all too well.

"I'm weird"
"People know i'm weird"
"People don't don't like me"
"People are picking up that i'm in emotional pain"
"I'm a fake"
"Everyone else is happy and normal"
"Everything I say is weird and stupid and makes everyone uncomfortable"

It's crippling and impossible to be myself (whoever the fuck that is??) around people. I'm so caught up in the "how to act and be" that i'm actually puzzled as to who it is I actually am naturally??!

In the words of Daniel Beddingfield (what happened to him? lol) I gotta get through this! And I think I will.

crystalize Thanks for posting that link - just read this about his latest book - amazing:

“In Part I of ‘Homesteading in the Calm Eye of the Storm’ Pete escapes from his dysfunctional family and backpacks around the world seeking happiness, while unconsciously fleeing his suffering. In Part II, he wanders the jungles of psychological theory and technique, and shifts his focus from global adventurer to inner world explorer. Gradually, over time his fear shrinks, his toxic shame melts away, and peace of mind becomes his touchstone. His psyche gradually heals as his capacity for self-kindness, self-care, and self-protection continuously grow.”

!!! Love it

At last, he breaks the pattern of being attracted to painful relationships that mirror his experiences with his parents. This in turn frees him to find a number of truly intimate and comforting relationships. Eventually he is blessed with his own functional and loving nuclear family.”

Yes, a portfolio career might be a good possibility. It could tie in with your yoga plans. Funnily enough, I have been unable to commit myself to any one thing, having made a small list of possible things to do, so a portfolio career could be the way to go for me too (though I couldn't do the yoga thing...those days have long passed lol!).
"I'm a fake," definitely sounds familiar as does 'everyone else seems to have it sorted.'

@crystalize Sorry, I didn't notice your comment. Thank you so much for the input. I will definitely check that link out :-)

I feel I have lots of resources that will help me no end. XX

Do it all! If you’re worried about pursuing a professional acting career then join a theatre group or two. Do your fitness qualification, get a job and save some cash. In your spare time do a yoga instructor course, put job on hold, go off to Goa or wherever and teach yoga. When you want to come back to the UK, pick up the fitness job. Repeat...insert other training options as required.
You’re clearly intelligent and with a high degree of self-preservation. Be open to opportunities, continue to take care of yourself, have fun and remember you only have one life, live it!

I have been teaching in Further Education colleges for many years and I feel confident in saying that most people who feel like this would benefit from trying to identify what they are interested in and going back to college. You will almost always get funding (not have to pay), you can be on course for 6 weeks from start of term before you enter a full contract with the college, so you can try it out. Most course can be done part time, so you can keep working enough. Tax credits / UC help. A lot of the time, it is about finding yourself through stuff that you do and learn. 99.9% of the adult students I have seen are so much happier and confident at the end. Just see what your local college has that you might be interested in.

I feel the same. I’m a similar age and also dropped out of school at 14. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

Ah op thanks for sharing.. I'm a lot older than you and have kids, been married etc and had very similar upbringing to you. I ran away at 16 and have spent my life trying to find a place for me.
I'm still feeling very lost now and have had a series of destructive relationships where I have perpetually repeated patterns from my childhood.
I have definitely missed the boat with a lot of things. I was doing well career wise but then developed disability and am now in a dead end job just to keep a roof over my kids heads
Pursue your dreams, keep reading, keep learning, get therapy where you can.
It sounds like you're on a good path now of realisation and trying new things. I wish you all the best in the future and well done for doing things differently now.

@Gutterton no problem! It was from reading threads on here I came across Pete Walker's site and got the book 'Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving'. I can't recommend it highly enough for anyone who feels they have and still are struggling in life.

Like your feelings CHAR of '"I'm weird" "Im fake" etc. Feeling like an imposter, feeling different to others, no direction. There's been many wow moments reading this book. I really wish I had found it years ago but its never too late.

Well done on breaking away. You sound like you have an inner resilience and I wish you all the best.

This is maybe a bit outing, but I actually started out training as an actress! I now have a portfolio career and when things dip a bit I do feel mildly regretful that I'm not climbing up some ladder but working like I do has been very rewarding and very exciting. A lot of my work has come from live events and broadcasting, sectors that are taking the hit now, and I'm considering refocusing on my counselling studies
...

I remember that phrase so well, 'Well at least I didn't put you into care'.

I'm a lot older than you OP, my dad died when I was a child, and this was said to me and my brothers often by my mum, as though it excused the neglect.

That little phrase is a killer, isn't it?

I'm 37, have a DD aged 7 and a divorce behind me and I've had times feeling like you do.

One thing a friend suggested was doing a 40x40 list. 40 things you want to do by the time you're 40 years old. They don't all have to be massive and expensive.
Just some of the smaller things in life too.
I found it gave me a focus and a plan when I was worried I was just drifting a bit.
Some of mine have been go to an observatory to see the stars. A bit of research later and there is one fairly local to me that does open evenings. I took myself off and paid the grand total of £5 entry fee and loved it.
Sometimes I think planning the big stuff feels overwhelming. So don't forget the small things that make you happy too.

Snap, I feel just like you. Emotionally neglectful mother and then into a 12 year abusive marriage, which I left last year. Now I’m like wtf am I supposed to do with myself. I did finish a Masters but haven’t done anything with it. I never really realised the extent the damage my mum did until now that I look back on my marriage and wonder what on earth was I thinking. Anyway thats enough about me, can’t change the past. Like other posters have said at least we have the emotional intelligence to know something isn’t right so we can get on to fixing it. It’s crap tho, I look at friends who have careers, lovely families and I’m so jealous. Although I guess you never know the challenges they are facing!

Fightingback an other posters - really KNOW how far you have come, what mountains you have climbed carrying all those wounds, deficits and baggage. You are all quite exceptional just to be still existing. Your achievements are not comparable to others who had a proper childhood - they are spectacularly better - we are the Para Olympians. Imagine what we will be like once the baggage is put down, the wounds healed and the emotional deficits coloured in ?!? That’s achievable by starting with self compassion, and self care which gives you the self worth robbed from you - clarity and confidence follows. Little steps. Some days I give myself a pat on the back just for brushing my hair and not kicking the cat (I don’t have a cat, love animals - but you get the gist!).

Lovely encouraging words Gutterton x

Well done OP , give yourself more credit for how far you've come.
One step at a time, try not to think too far ahead and you'll get there.

@Gutterton
Yes absolutely. Exactly what I would have said if I had the words.

Thanks @Gutterton for the encouraging words. I’m not like I was but I still feel odd.

Progress not perfection.

@Gutterton you sound lovely.

I think you have done amazing not to be eaten up with bitterness and anger, you are clearly a survivor and a thriver 😊
You are still so young to live a fabulous life on your terms.
I could have been 15 years ago, it is hard to look at your own growth, but yes it leaves you scattered.
I did am dram for many years ( wanted to do acting but lacked the self esteem/ rejection) but funnily enough as soon as I had couselling etc for my abusive childhood, did not feel like I needed to ' be other people'? Weird but I made peace with myself and it sort of faded.
In my early thirties I trained as fitness instructor which was fab (YMCA) It was quick course and I did that for many years gradually going into more holistic stuff and teaching adults with SEN.
When my marraige ended I then flitted off to India and Asia to live in a retreat for many months. That was fantastic as did more healing in 3 months than a lifetime of counselling.
I was planning to go to Rikishesh or back to Goa to do yoga teacher training but then lockdown. Am still planning to go in the near future as too old to teach keep fit now 😄
It sounds like you are drawn to healing others and you are a natural empath, so follow your heart. If you can get to one of the retreats it may be an opportunity to explore your talents, ( the one I went too meant I taught at a local school and ran some yoga classes too. It was very supportive and many people go who have had difficult lives)
Use your fabulous potential! I still struggle sometimes as that poor start scars us, but I react differently now. Its never too late

Minty what an amazingly varied and I expect fulfilling life you rebuilt after your tough times. Inspirational. Would love to hear of any recommendations for retreats - might get a MN bus load together and see if we can negotiate a group discount!

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus You are basically me! Or me, you! Ha ha. Your post read scarily similar to either things i’m thinking of pursuing or have wanted to. I’ve actually just signed up for fitness training (YMCA). And I was watching some backpacker travel vlog just days ago where they visited Rickishesh and it looked amazing - there were a few “hippies” about and I thought, “that’s where I should be!” Ha ha i’ve often thought about retreats and/or even Ashrams.

I’d love to know where it is and the details?

I’m currently reading Toxic Parents recommended by @Gutterton. Only a third of the way through (I have to put to take a break a lot as it’s heavy and it’s bringing up things that I’m only just discovering I have buried or have brushed off as being normal and not that bad. Just the realisation that others have been through the same and to know that all these years where i’ve thought it was me who was the problem have worker wonders. I honestly feel a bit lighter and can feel my self-esteem rising a little higher. I’m so glad I posted on here. I know I have to climb a mountain but i’m happy and willing to sort out whatever mental and emotional blockages I have.

@gutterton, thanks again! X