want out of my marriage but not brave enuogh

[stephrose03]

I am 45 and have been married for 12 years but been together with husband for almost 25 years. we have an 11 year old dd.

life has been quite challenging over the last few years - husband got made redundant from a great job that he loved a couple of weeks before our daughter was born and to be honest never really recovered. he has had a succession of low end jobs since then and even tried going back to university to get a degree, but hated the whole experience and then never did anything with it. he was so unhappy at university he was a nightmare to live with for 4 years. I also had breast cancer 9 years ago, which obviously impacted quite a lot.

however, over the last 5-6 years things have gone downhill - there's nothing really 'wrong' just I don't recognise him a lot of the time. he's so angry, quick to temper, quick to get annoyed and just so dissatisfied with everything. he has no real friends, doesn't get on with his family (his family are a real flashpoint - if he even so much as talks about them he has this massive triggered emotional reaction and i'm now doing all the sorting out for his elderly parents just to shield us all from these reactions).

there have been so many incidents and occasions that have been ruined by his sudden black mood and temper that often comes out of nowhere - one family meal out ended in tears recently when all of a sudden he went into a mood and we left the restaurant in tears. the latest was the other day - his 50th birthday - I had tried so hard to make it nice even though we are in lockdown. got him loads of nice presents, cards, balloons, cake etc. but he still managed to have a mood and ruined the entire day because, in his eyes, our dd didn't spend enough time with him during the day and it set him off. it just occurred to me that it doesn't matter what I do - its never enough - I actually caught myself thinking ' damn, I thought id thought of everything to avoid him feeling down - but I forget to tell my daughter to get off her phone and spend all day with him. how could I have forgotten that' I think it was mainly because he got two rubbish, rather impersonal cards from his family with no present, no phone call to wish him happy birthday, he ripped up the cards and put them in the bin, and then low and behold the black mood descended. his grumpiness and moods has ruined so many things - days out, dd dance recitals etc.

he has ruined Christmas for me - he is so down on it because he doesn't have a proper family to share it with (even though my family has always been really welcoming - we are not the 'right kind of family' we don't get drunk and play loud music) so now I start to dread Christmas as he always gets so down on it and is trying to make us got abroad for it this year

over the years we have spoken about ending our marriage, and that probably we have come to the end of the romantic part of our relationship. but its never happended - mainly because he doesn't earn enough money to live on his own. (however, this has changed now and he has a better job with more money)

We don't have sex, theres no intimacy. he sometimes tries to initiate it, often out of nowhere, and expects me to just drop my drawers and say 'oh yes please'. how am I supposed to be intimate with him when we are in this situation? I actually catch myself dreading the time he comes home from work because all he does is moan continually about work - it doesn't matter what he does or where he works, he just moans constantly. when dd was still at school she had a few days away with the school and I actually pretended I had a conference in London so I didn't have to spend time at home with him without dd. we have slept in separate rooms for years. i certainly don't want to send the rest of my life with him

I earn enough money to live on my own with dd. I think it's time - this incident with his birthday has just pushed me over the edge. I just don't think im brave enough. because no one had done anything really wrong - no affair, no violence or abuse - I feel a for ending it and expecting him to move out. he's a good dad, adores our dd, and i'm scared about the reality of separating. i'm scared of the affect on my dd - will this mess her up? she is just about to start secondary school so I think we should wait until she is settled there before making the move. I feel it's so selfish of me to want to end it and cause her pain for no good reason.

I have always been rubbish at splitting up with people - and this is the biggest split of all. can someone please help me find the strength?

Just do it you won't regret it. I have wasted years in an unhappy marriage. Be kind to yourself you are obviously a good person trying to do your best.

It isn't going to mess up your daughter. Kids are remarkably resilient. I grew up with my parents in a similar marriage to yours and they eventually split when I was 18 and my dad upped and left 3 months before I sat my A-Levels and he couldn't take it anymore. Don't find reasons to put off doing it, like your daughter settling into school. Trust me, there'll always be a reason to put it off but if you know what you want you just need to be brave and do it so everyone can start adjusting.

thank you Spain1. I am so nervous - I think going forward we can get on. we have admitted in the past that we are best friends, but perhaps its time to call time on the romantic part. Someone once said to me 'don't think of it as a failure - just think of it as complete'. and that is what I am trying to hang on to.

I catch myself hoping he would have an affair, just so I would have a real reason to end it. i'm such a coward

"Trust me, there'll always be a reason to put it off but if you know what you want you just need to be brave and do it so everyone can start adjusting."

This. There was an incredibly sad post recently from a woman in her mid-40s who had never managed to leave her emotionally abusive OH and has now been diagnosed as terminally ill with not much time left, and the devastating regret she feels for not having managed to get away when she still had time to enjoy life without this man.

In all likelihood you still have decades ahead of you but either way life is not a dress rehearsal and we only have this one shot at it. And you have to life your life. Not his. Do you still want to be trying to leave him when you're in your 70s or your 80s?

And actually I would dispute that he hasn't really done anything wrong if he makes a habit of sulking and spoiling nice family occasions. But it's probably easiest all round if you can split in a non-blaming way.

Also you're in the perfect position - you earn your own money and can support yourself. So many MN posters are trying to escape from poor or even dangerous relationships but have been SAHMs for years and rely on their partners for finance. They still get away but it is so much harder in those circumstances.

Good luck with taking the necessary steps.

I think it will be good for your dd long term. You’ll be role modelling that it’s ok to leave a shit relationship where you put in all the work and get nothing but misery back. What was your parents marriage like?

no affair, no violence or abuse
I beg to differ on the abuse part OP.
His moods are abusive.
His ruining fun days and events, is abusive.
He is bringing down the mood of the entire house.
How is that NOT abusive?

If you wait until your DD has settled at secondary school (no judgement, I did this), then what? Christmas is around the corner and you can't do it then. etc......
Now is the time to do this.
Agree to separate amicably and co-parent well.
Your DD is having to live in that awful environment.
SHE has every occasion ruined by him. Not just you.
You are enabling this bullshit and allowing your DD to suffer it too.
Time to get out.
Time for you and your DD to enjoy a happy, peaceful environment.
Why would you NOT want that for your DD.
The relationship you are modelling to her is one she will copy.
What will your advice be to her when she comes to you with this same story?
Will it be to put up with it?
I suspect it will be 'get out and enjoy your life'
If this situation would not be good enough for your DD then it's not good enough for you.

thank you so much for your kind replies. I think this is why I feel like a fraud - so many people are in much more difficult scenarios.

I think that is the reason - I feel like i'm living his life - always listening to his problems and I know I haven't helped over the years by trying to cover and mother him. I just can't be the person he moans to anymore. if he was a friend of mine I would be ignoring his texts right now.

he doesn't even really know our full financial situation - most of our savings were eaten up whilst he was at Uni just to keep us from going under - but I could never tell him the truth, so he still think we have some savings whilst the reality is we hardly have any. this is my fault - I never should have got it to this stage, but it because I felt I could never tell him the truth as he just explodes and over-reacts. but I would never blame him for that. god if he found out it would be a nightmare.

Oh dear Lord please leave. You say he’s a good dad and adores your daughter...but yet he ruins so many occasions with his sulks and tantrums. You work your ass off trying to do nice things for him but no - nothing’s ever good enough for him. Would you accept behaviour like this from your daughter? From a friend? Why on earth is it acceptable from the person who is supposed to love and cherish you?! Sorry, but I think you should leave as soon as possible, and that his behaviour is abusive frankly. I feel heart sorry for you and your daughter living under the threat of yet another mood/mantrum/moanfest from him. What is she learning about relationships?? Pander to the sulker/moaner and put up with this? Would you want this relationship for your daughter when she’s an adult? Please leave for her and for yourself - enough is enough. He doesn’t deserve you.

Is he a great dad? Really? How did your daughter feel when he punished her for not paying him enough attention on his birthday? How did she feel when you all left the restaurant in tears? Does she tip toe around his moods as much as you do? How does she feel seeing how unhappy he makes you? Does she see you doing all the care for his parents on your own? What will she expect from a partner in the future?

I think you know the answers OP. It will be really hard to make the break, but you’re clearly an immensely strong person and you can do it. I think your daughter will thank you eventually xx

my parents marriage was great. my dad died a couple of years ago. However they always bought me up not to upset anyone, or have any arguments or conflict with anyone. therefore I always put everyone else before myself. it's taken me years to learn to stand up for myself.

and yes, that is a concern - I don't want my dd learning this is what marriage is - seperate rooms, no hugging and kissing. I feel her tension when the moods start and seeing her upset in that restaurant a few weeks ago was awful.

I've read your post and from what it seems you live on eggshells because of his moods that's not a way to live I know this and it is abusive.
You deserve better then that even if that's the only issue between you it's wrong.
I am speaking from experience that you will regret wasting another day with this man you deserve to be happy OP.

I don't know if your daughter is going to secondary with others from primary but in some ways for mine I think it was a good time. Although there was upheaval she started a new school and that was just how it was she lives with her mum - a clean start.

thank you all so much - you are all so lovely in your replies. it's very hard when a situation is so up and down - for weeks things can be fine, then one day - boom, out of nowhere, here we go again.

i'm not interested in anyone else - I just want to be on my own with my dd. no more 'rules' to follow, no more being made to feel bad if I want to watch rubbish on telly.

this will happen - I will try and raise the issue over the next couple of days.

because I felt I could never tell him the truth as he just explodes and over-reacts
WOW - that is NOT good OP.
He doesn't even take an interest in family finances.
You are his mother and carer and the person who must always put his happiness first!
TIME TO STOP THAT!
I'm so glad you are sounding more positive in what you want now!
One foot in front of the other.
This won't happen overnight but put a plan in place and follow it.
Time for action.
Good luck.

Once you say the words to him out loud and mean it you'll feel in control.I did it 8 years ago but with no children involved.He irritated me,he was grumpy,I looked at him in distaste,I hated his clothes,his face and his personality.When I told him he panicked for a moment then agreed pretty quickly.Move out as soon as you can once you've made the decision I had to live with him for 4 months before I moved out and it was awful.

He sounds very controlling :(

You have put up with so much over the years. You need to leAve him and start a new life. You deserve it.

You need to do it because your DD's life is hell.
Don't be fooled, she may look happy, seem like she is ok but she isn't.
My stepfather's constant rage left me with lifelong self esteem problems and I really cannot cope with other people very well.
If you leave now she has a chance of developing normally.
You need to tell him you have had enough and you are leaving and mean it, for your daughters sake. Don't put her through this.
Once you've left you will have that incredible lightness of being that can never be matched.
Imagine spending the next 20 years with him.
Loud music and getting drunk - sounds like a shit Christmas, he sounds awful.
Save for a deposit, get a place, go.

Also don't expect him to give you permission to go, of course he won't.
You just need to say I'm going, end of.

I agree with @Lambster. But I feel he's controlling in a way that isn't intentional. His moods control how you feel and what you do, continuously by sounds of it. At the age of 11, I think your daughter will already be picking up on the vibes between you two and is probably better for everyone that you do make this move. My parents were very similar to how you've described, everything evolved around Dad because of his ways and to be honest if rather they'd split earlier so I didn't have to be part of it and watch and feel it. Problem was my Dad never realised he was being grumpy, just thought we were all over reacting and for that reason he never changed as he refused to accept it was him. Perhaps there's a reason she wants to spend all day on her phone... Her Dad's a grump. The same reason you're having trouble. I feel you're definitely doing the right thing but I don't think you'll ever get the timing right if you try to plan for it, it is what it is right now. Be brave 💗

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Nothing from what I can see other than you two being on the receiving end of his abuse and associated miseries.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment or versions thereof when they themselves can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Your parents taught you damaging lessons about relationships and you have carried this to this very day. They taught you to be codependent, a people pleaser and to put your own self last. All that would have suited your H down to the ground and he has indeed taken full advantage.

He is not a good dad, if he was he would never have treated you and in turn your DD in the ways he has done. He is a joysucker of a man who is trying to drag you all down with him.

steph

Re your comment:-
"it's very hard when a situation is so up and down - for weeks things can be fine, then one day - boom, out of nowhere, here we go again."

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. What you're seeing here from him is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. It will take you some considerable time, perhaps years even, to recover from his abuses of you and that will only properly start when you and he are apart.

"Your parents taught you damaging lessons about relationships and you have carried this to this very day. They taught you to be codependent, a people pleaser and to put your own self last. All that would have suited your H down to the ground and he has indeed taken full advantage."

This! Please be very careful about the lessons you are now teaching your DD about relationships if you stay in this one.

steph

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You owe it to your daughter also to teach her far better lessons on relationships than you were yourself taught.

I cant remember the name of the poster but there's a series of threads on here titled something like "leaving sulking husband..." the lady is out the other side and so much happier. Still issues but very much her own person now.