I am 45 and have been married for 12 years but been together with husband for almost 25 years. we have an 11 year old dd.
life has been quite challenging over the last few years - husband got made redundant from a great job that he loved a couple of weeks before our daughter was born and to be honest never really recovered. he has had a succession of low end jobs since then and even tried going back to university to get a degree, but hated the whole experience and then never did anything with it. he was so unhappy at university he was a nightmare to live with for 4 years. I also had breast cancer 9 years ago, which obviously impacted quite a lot.
however, over the last 5-6 years things have gone downhill - there's nothing really 'wrong' just I don't recognise him a lot of the time. he's so angry, quick to temper, quick to get annoyed and just so dissatisfied with everything. he has no real friends, doesn't get on with his family (his family are a real flashpoint - if he even so much as talks about them he has this massive triggered emotional reaction and i'm now doing all the sorting out for his elderly parents just to shield us all from these reactions).
there have been so many incidents and occasions that have been ruined by his sudden black mood and temper that often comes out of nowhere - one family meal out ended in tears recently when all of a sudden he went into a mood and we left the restaurant in tears. the latest was the other day - his 50th birthday - I had tried so hard to make it nice even though we are in lockdown. got him loads of nice presents, cards, balloons, cake etc. but he still managed to have a mood and ruined the entire day because, in his eyes, our dd didn't spend enough time with him during the day and it set him off. it just occurred to me that it doesn't matter what I do - its never enough - I actually caught myself thinking ' damn, I thought id thought of everything to avoid him feeling down - but I forget to tell my daughter to get off her phone and spend all day with him. how could I have forgotten that' I think it was mainly because he got two rubbish, rather impersonal cards from his family with no present, no phone call to wish him happy birthday, he ripped up the cards and put them in the bin, and then low and behold the black mood descended. his grumpiness and moods has ruined so many things - days out, dd dance recitals etc.
he has ruined Christmas for me - he is so down on it because he doesn't have a proper family to share it with (even though my family has always been really welcoming - we are not the 'right kind of family' we don't get drunk and play loud music) so now I start to dread Christmas as he always gets so down on it and is trying to make us got abroad for it this year
over the years we have spoken about ending our marriage, and that probably we have come to the end of the romantic part of our relationship. but its never happended - mainly because he doesn't earn enough money to live on his own. (however, this has changed now and he has a better job with more money)
We don't have sex, theres no intimacy. he sometimes tries to initiate it, often out of nowhere, and expects me to just drop my drawers and say 'oh yes please'. how am I supposed to be intimate with him when we are in this situation? I actually catch myself dreading the time he comes home from work because all he does is moan continually about work - it doesn't matter what he does or where he works, he just moans constantly. when dd was still at school she had a few days away with the school and I actually pretended I had a conference in London so I didn't have to spend time at home with him without dd. we have slept in separate rooms for years. i certainly don't want to send the rest of my life with him
I earn enough money to live on my own with dd. I think it's time - this incident with his birthday has just pushed me over the edge. I just don't think im brave enough. because no one had done anything really wrong - no affair, no violence or abuse - I feel a for ending it and expecting him to move out. he's a good dad, adores our dd, and i'm scared about the reality of separating. i'm scared of the affect on my dd - will this mess her up? she is just about to start secondary school so I think we should wait until she is settled there before making the move. I feel it's so selfish of me to want to end it and cause her pain for no good reason.
I have always been rubbish at splitting up with people - and this is the biggest split of all. can someone please help me find the strength?