A question about something that happened in the past

[Namedchangedtoask]

I have name changed so I can ask this - cutted up pear, your minge etc (I promise I’m real!)

I was with my ex for 18 months - it was a BDSM relationship where I was the sub from the start, and he was very controlling in real life (stopped me working / seeing certain friends / chose my clothes etc)

During sex he liked to hurt me, and would spend a lot of time in real life thinking up new ways to do this. I totally consented to this (I was abused as a child and can totally see how broken my thought process was about this in retrospect) He knew I wasn’t keen on the pain, but I did like being controlled and wanted to please him and he always had my consent as a willing partner.

The occasions I can’t make sense of are When he hit me twice just randomly - once when we were watching tv he just sort of reached over and punched me, and another time in the kitchen when I was cooking he slapped me. I was visibly very upset and shocked both times but we never spoke about it and I didn’t make a big deal over it.

There was lots wrong with our relationship, and I have tried more therapy and to work on myself since then so I won’t be in this situation again, but these 2 occasions bother me and I can’t make sense of why.

Basically I think I’m trying to work out that If I consented to him hurting me, was it wrong that he hit me? I’m really struggling with this, and trying to figure out why.

Have you got a sense of why those two occasions bother you more than others? Was it the unexpectedness of them?

Or that he overstepped a boundary you had. So maybe you felt it was ok in certain situations but not others.

I don’t know! There was other things which were worse which he apologised for and was mortified about, but they don’t seem to bother me as much as these.

I think I’m trying to figure out my boundaries - I’ve been single 3 years as I don’t trust my own sense of what’s right or wrong. I don’t know where these incidents are on the barometer of ‘normal’ people?

Thank you for replying

That just sounds like an abusive relationship. A D/s relationship is all about communication, boundaries, limits and respect.

I.e, not making anyone do something they're not 100% on board with.

He locked me in a room once during an argument - I know this is wrong, it was terrifying (not part of sex, just during a normal tiff) yet it’s so off the scale of okay that I know that’s wrong. Does that make sense?

I don’t know what my boundaries should be for other stuff? What’s a normal relationship? I’m sort of thinking out loud!

@JorisBonson that makes sense. That might be part of it actually - he took sex very seriously, always listened to me and stopped if I ever asked him too. Maybe it’s because these incidents were out of control and I wasn’t listened too? Thank you, that’s actually really helpful as I’d not considered that.

Personally I don't think there's any such thing as a normal relationship - different strokes for different folks and all that.

From the "BDSM" aspect, he doesn't sound like any sort of Dom, he sounds like a cunt who likes to hurt you whether you consent or not. Did you have a safeword?

From a relationship aspect, he is 100% a grade A abusive cunt. Locking you in a cupboard?? That's awful OP.

At the end of the day you shouldn't have to be doing anything which makes you uncomfortable or causes you pain in any relationship.

X post on my first bit!!

I don't get the introduction of pain and torture in to a peoples relationship and sex lifes but what ever floats your boat. You sound like your pretty confused. Where's the line would be my question. You seek to partake in this punishing form of mutual pleasure and then get confused when you get abused outside of the realms of sex play. The whole thing sounds pretty fucked up to me. People like your partner target others that are vulnerable and damaged. He's sounds like an absolute monster none of what you've said is acceptable are you still with him?

Maybe look into therapy to help you deal with the abuse you suffered as a child before entering into another relationship.

Your ex overstepped your limits (no pain). There needs to be trust and boundaries in bdsm.

BDSM, for some, is a way of exploring past trauma by making it safe. The trauma is contained within consent and boundaries giving you a (potentially phoney) sense of control over it.

The incidents you refer to essentially break that feeling because they were outside your parameters and control.

Therefore they remind you you are not within a safe healthy BDSM relationship. Your desire to explore these past experiences is being exploited by an inherently abusive man. It's like a chink in the matrix. Anything that jars with the sense of reality we create for ourself will stick with us

JorisBonson is right, imo. I wonder if what upset you about those two events is the context - you might be happy for him to do X in the bedroom where you know to expect it and you enjoy it, but that doesn't mean that you want X while you're watching TV or having a bath, so he shouldn't be doing X at those times. In this new context, he doesn't have permission for X and it would be reasonable for you to be upset. It's well illustrated in the cup of tea/consent cartoon.

I’m making a few assumptions here so could be wrong. My thinking would be, as part of your BDSM relationship, you consented to him hurting you during sex. Therefore, he had your consent to do this and you are accepting of it.

However, in your mind this consent was given only in sexual situations. You had not consented to him hitting you outside of sex. Therefore, him hitting you out of the blue was not consensual and actually domestic violence, hence you (rightly) having issue with it.

I’m very pleased he is your ex. BDSM is not an excuse to be the abusive arse he sounds.

Concentrate on what relationship you want.

You may never understand his motives and thinking

How do you stop it happening again? What warning signs were there? What do you now know? What actions or language would you use now and do you have the confidence to use it from the start so there is no confusion about barriers?

Are you someone who wants to please the other person come what may? Forget the term normal. Think about what you want and what you don't want. Think about how you want to feel and how you don't want to feel.

BTW OP, this absolutely isn't kink shaming. A BDSM relationship can be brilliant, if done safely and consensually. If you haven't already it might be worth joining some kink communities, it could help you figure out what you want in a D and where your boundaries lie.

*I’m making a few assumptions here so could be wrong. My thinking would be, as part of your BDSM relationship, you consented to him hurting you during sex. Therefore, he had your consent to do this and you are accepting of it.

However, in your mind this consent was given only in sexual situations. You had not consented to him hitting you outside of sex. Therefore, him hitting you out of the blue was not consensual and actually domestic violence, hence you (rightly) having issue with it."

This is what I was going to say.

Though it's not only in her mind ... She did only consent to be hurt each time she consented (in a sexual.context) so it was violence/abuse when he did it outside of that in the way he did.

During sex he liked to hurt me, and would spend a lot of time in real life thinking up new ways to do this

This made me shudder.

I think regardless of what happened sexually, when he hit you those two times he knew it was abusive, knew you didn't want it, and was acting very much outside of the BDSM rules.

I think he's an abusive bastard.

He sounds like an abuser fronting as a dom, which many appear to be.

In fact I'm skeptical about any 'dom".

It bothers you because it was vile, emotionally and physically hurtful. You can’t make sense of it because it doesn’t make sense. Your home and relationship should be where you feel safe and relaxed; being struck, out of the blue by your partner is horrific.
The BDSM aspect seems that a cover for his abusive behaviour.

You deserve better than this. I hope your therapy can help you to learn to love and respect yourself and know that you deserve to be cared for and loved. Good luck.

He dressed up the abuse by calling it BDSM. ..It was abuse pure and simple and he's an abusive bastard.

I'm also sceptical about these relationships - Lundy Bancroft is too as it turns out.

I would seek counselling OP, but please don't blame yourself - it wasn't you allowing it, it was him manipulating and controlling you and gradually and insidiously pushing your boundaries.

Thank you everyone, really - hearing your take on it makes it so much clearer in my head.

I went to see a therapist again after we split up and she said I was essentially a prostitute and was encouraging him to be abusive because i admitted I wanted him to hurt me sometimes. I was (on reflection?) I think using him as a form of self harm and it kind of validated my feelings about myself? The prostitution part was because I felt trapped into staying longer than I wanted to because he had asked me to give up my job and had no money of my own.

With hindsight and distance I can see how fucked up this is, but at the time I honestly had no clue.

I feel like I made him abusive because I didn’t give clear signals? He tells me I’m abusive because I was needy after he cheated (I know, I know!) and didn’t want us to split up so kept asking for second chances when we ended. He dumped me because I told a friend what had happened when he locked me in the spare room and cheated on me.

I have stayed single (and will continue too!) because I don’t trust myself not to slip back into these patterns - someone who said I was a people pleaser is so true! Again I had some really good psychotherapy and I can see this is because after the abuse when I was a child I try and keep people on side so they don’t hurt me. I need to figure out what I like, not just in a relationship but in life generally!

Honestly, I’m incredibly grateful to you all for responding. It’s helped me so much to try figure things out in my head. I have a long way to go I think but I’m really grateful

For those who said about investigating kink and bdsm safely, I think I would be too scared now. I can sort of see how I am very tightly wound and am a massive control freak, so I give myself to someone as a release to that? But I think because I have such inherently low self worth from my child hood that my boundaries aren’t strong enough to protect myself in that world. For my ex it wasn’t control, it was power. God I dunno! It makes my head fuzzy trying to figure it all out!

The prostitution part was because I felt trapped into staying longer than I wanted to because he had asked me to give up my job and had no money of my own.

Eh that's not exactly being a prostitute.

That's being controlled and financially abused.

Your therapists take on it is quite weird to me, unless they mean that prostitutes are often coerced, exploited, controlled etc.