A question about something that happened in the past

[Namedchangedtoask]

I have name changed so I can ask this - cutted up pear, your minge etc (I promise I’m real!)

I was with my ex for 18 months - it was a BDSM relationship where I was the sub from the start, and he was very controlling in real life (stopped me working / seeing certain friends / chose my clothes etc)

During sex he liked to hurt me, and would spend a lot of time in real life thinking up new ways to do this. I totally consented to this (I was abused as a child and can totally see how broken my thought process was about this in retrospect) He knew I wasn’t keen on the pain, but I did like being controlled and wanted to please him and he always had my consent as a willing partner.

The occasions I can’t make sense of are When he hit me twice just randomly - once when we were watching tv he just sort of reached over and punched me, and another time in the kitchen when I was cooking he slapped me. I was visibly very upset and shocked both times but we never spoke about it and I didn’t make a big deal over it.

There was lots wrong with our relationship, and I have tried more therapy and to work on myself since then so I won’t be in this situation again, but these 2 occasions bother me and I can’t make sense of why.

Basically I think I’m trying to work out that If I consented to him hurting me, was it wrong that he hit me? I’m really struggling with this, and trying to figure out why.

I feel like I made him abusive because I didn’t give clear signals?

Noone decent/non abusive would act like that regardless of any signals they're getting. Would you? I wouldn't

He's sounds like one fucked up bastard, I feel very sorry and worried that's he's out there loose in the dating etc world. He'll probably be one of those guys who ends up murdering a woman and then pleading that it was BDSM gone wrong. Be glad you got away from him in one piece. Other women have not been so lucky with similar guys so far.

You did well taking your friend, that's one of you escaped, he knew he couldn't get total & absolute control over you.

Someone who spends their time salivating over inventive ways to inflict pain n another person is a disturbed and disturbing creature.

(and a dangerous one).

*talking to your friend

OP this is much, much more common than you know and there's nothing strange about your behaviour at all.

You weren't in a sub/dom relationship at all, you were in an abusive relationship. You were simply emulating the abuse you received as a child because that's what you know and that's what you gravitate towards.

Lots of so called 'doms' are abusers. They are misogynists and hate women. I remember someone telling me once about how her 'dom' was masturbating as she told him about her childhood abuse. There are some really sick people out there and unfortunately, you found one of them. He was a sexual sadist OP and he's harmful to all women.

I really suggest you get in contact with NAPAC which is for those who suffered abuse as children. If you were sexually abused, you may find the Survivor's Trust helpful. You can also find therapists on BACP and UKCP. If you search for 'Childhood abuse' or 'Childhood trauma' and then make up a list and call them. Find someone who seems to be in tune with you.

I believe those two particular incidents were humiliating for you and outside your usual 'boundaries' of abuse, if that makes sense. They weren't 'consensual' in the sense that you had control over them. You had given your consent to be abused as you saw it ie in the bedroom and in your day to day life, but not to be slapped around. However, all of it was abuse OP.

It's impossible for anyone to make someone else abusive. 'you made me do it' is an incredibly common excuse abusers use to mess with their victims and keep them under their control. So no, you haven't made anyone abusive. Ever.

I'm not sure your therapist was particularly good. You might want to look for a better one - sometimes they just have their own prejudices and issues going on.

As pps have said, it's likely because those incidents were random and not really part of the agreed dynamic. The D/s dressed up the abusive behaviours as something consensual, but those incidents pulled back the mask.

I don’t think you made him abusive, that doesn’t sound right at all. But it does sound like you’re starting to get a handle on all of this which is great. And hopefully as you figure it out more and more, you’ll learn where you’re boundaries are.