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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s seeing someone

47 replies

Lara2015 · 20/05/2020 09:46

Would appreciate some thoughts.

There’s a guy I know, and we finally had our first day/date together recently. It was absolutely brilliant, I’ve never felt such at ease with someone, even the silences were easy. Up until now he’s always been nervous around me, but he completely relaxed and I could tell he liked me a lot. He was telling me a lot of personal stuff, and how he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and some of his future plans. So good so far...

Today I find out he’s having a ‘thing’ with a girl (who’s a totally weird match!), which has been going for 3 months, if not more. She’s obviously not been promoted to girlfriend status, and the only reason he told me was because I outright asked him (in a fun way of course).

What do I do? Walk away (we are friends which would be difficult), or keep some skin in the game. Our day/date was so good and natural, and at the end of the day people are allowed to casually date. Besides, he doesn’t know I’d be open to dating him, since he we never had the chance to make it that far! He was even posting cute photos of us when this other girl is in the group.

What shall I do?

OP posts:

Greenkit · 20/05/2020 10:03

Ask him if he sees your friendship turning into a relationship?

SmolGreenCrocodileBaby · 20/05/2020 10:06

Say 'hey, I found out you're seeing this other girl. I thought you said you were single?'

Gross how guys these days get away with having multiple by not 'promoting them to girlfriend' yuck!

So he's fucking around on a technicality?

How many other women is he seeing?

Opentooffers · 20/05/2020 10:08

So you had your first day/date, but he doesn't know that you want to date him? Can you see the mismatch it those statements? To you it was a date, but to him, what exactly? It would seem he likes to play games and keep women guessing their situation with him. You have no clue what the day was and with this other girl he's been vague on her status. He's enjoying messing you both about and likes the attention, hence the cute pics openly displayed in your friendship group. Be careful you don't become the next situationship with him if what you'd really want is more.
I'm hoping you are not on the UK as neither her or you would be meeting him for 'days' together during lockdown, would you?

Original poster

Lara2015 · 20/05/2020 10:28

Thanks, definitely see your point. It’s just it was so obvious he was into me, picked up on all the signs. I wouldn’t mind other than the chemistry was so good.

My question still is, do I make it obvious I’d date him. To clear up any confusion, or walk away?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lara2015 · 20/05/2020 10:34

I’m in Hong Kong by the way!

OP posts:

mamascorpio · 20/05/2020 11:12

Lara, if this guy wanted to see you he would tell you. Have a read at the book he is just not that into you. If a guy wants to date you, you know because he tells you and he won't run the risk of you dating / meeting someone else. So he is seeing this other women and going on dates with you? That's crappy behaviour. Write this one off he is no good.

Honeyroar · 20/05/2020 11:17

If things progress and you start seeing him (assuming he stops seeing the other girl), you do realise that he’d probably be seeing other people too if you weren’t “promoted”?

I’d throw your cards down. If he asked you to come on another date I’d say you think not as he’s seeing someone. Make it clear you don’t share!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/05/2020 11:22

@Honeyroar has is right-just draw the line in the sand-you will find out then

Original poster

Lara2015 · 20/05/2020 11:38

Yeah I did. Just went back to him to say ‘you’re so funny, you were lamenting the fact you didn’t have a girlfriend on sat! Shame you’re not single anyway’.

Cheerful, flirty, but got the message across...

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 20/05/2020 11:46

Don't waste your time with him.

Lynda07 · 20/05/2020 11:55

It sounds as though you had a 'iight hearted' relationship with this man, nothing more though might have developed (still might). Just keep it as it is for now, no harm in being friends but if you feel hurt at the thought of him keeping his options open, however mildly, best to cool it. At least he's been honest. You too can keep your options open!

It amazes me how anyone starts a relationship in these times. I don't even see my son except at a distance when he drops things off/picks up. Different for me though, I'm old so such things don't matter in the bigger scheme.

You take care, you have plenty of time ahead to meet nice men.

dottiedodah · 20/05/2020 12:15

Even if you say "Hey are we GF/BF what about this other girl? Will he tell you the truth I wonder.So many guys seem to think they can be "casual" which seems another word for having their cake and eating it! Maybe have a look elsewhere .Dont pin all your hopes on this one guy .Plenty more fish and all that!

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 12:17

Sounds like the thing with the other girl is just sex. I wonder if she knows that tho?

HollowTalk · 20/05/2020 12:19

I would think he's exactly the same with the other woman and that she thinks she's in the early stages of a relationship with him.

AgentJohnson · 20/05/2020 12:25

I don’t care how great the chemistry is, he isn’t single.

Original poster

Lara2015 · 20/05/2020 12:26

OK, this is now funny. He’s now claiming he never said he didn’t have a girlfriend.

Honestly, I’m not that mad. He definitely said he was single, and was giving me so many signals.

Anyway, obviously crushed, but happy I’ve made my position clear, and shown I’m upfront and don’t mess around.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 20/05/2020 12:28

Don't be tempted to get together with him if he says it's ended. He's gaslighting you.

Shinjirarenai · 20/05/2020 12:34

Have you considered the possibility that he has absolutely no idea where he stands with either of you?

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 12:36

So she is his girlfriend? What a twat. Well done for standing your ground

Igotta · 20/05/2020 12:43

Do not get involved.

GinGinHooray · 20/05/2020 12:58

I could've accepted this depending on his reaction:

I'm sorry I said I was single, I didn't know I was going to like you so much, I guess i was selfishly keeping my options open. I do really like you and would never try to date two women at the same time, if you are interested in me too I will end it with the other girl, because I really think we have great chemistry and get on.

^ this sort of response I could work with, but....

I didn't say I was single, I'm entitled to see more than one girl at a time. I haven't done anything wrong, you are the one who's overreacting. You misunderstood me, you are wrong not me. ^ ^^ this sort of response is just grim and snakey...selfish immature man-child. Lucky escape OP.

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 13:02

@gingin spot on

Spillinteas · 20/05/2020 13:10

Ooooh what a Little snake! I wonder if this other girl knows he’s going on dates with other people?

So it would be an absolute no from me!

justtb · 20/05/2020 13:20

I was seeing someone last year and straight up asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, he said no.
Later after a lot of drama I found out he had been sleeping with someone else, a friends with benefits kind of situation. I remember being really annoyed because I had asked him and he'd lied, and also because I had a weird feeling there was something going on between them anyway.
Regardless we are now having a baby together... I think a lot of people can just sleep with others and it not mean anything at all, but I've never been like that. And it has been hard sort of accepting that and moving on. At the end of the day he chose me, he lives with me, and we are having a baby

keepingbees · 20/05/2020 13:24

So if he's now saying he has a girlfriend why was he even out on a date with you in the first place?

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