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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s seeing someone

47 replies

Lara2015 · 20/05/2020 09:46

Would appreciate some thoughts.

There’s a guy I know, and we finally had our first day/date together recently. It was absolutely brilliant, I’ve never felt such at ease with someone, even the silences were easy. Up until now he’s always been nervous around me, but he completely relaxed and I could tell he liked me a lot. He was telling me a lot of personal stuff, and how he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and some of his future plans. So good so far...

Today I find out he’s having a ‘thing’ with a girl (who’s a totally weird match!), which has been going for 3 months, if not more. She’s obviously not been promoted to girlfriend status, and the only reason he told me was because I outright asked him (in a fun way of course).

What do I do? Walk away (we are friends which would be difficult), or keep some skin in the game. Our day/date was so good and natural, and at the end of the day people are allowed to casually date. Besides, he doesn’t know I’d be open to dating him, since he we never had the chance to make it that far! He was even posting cute photos of us when this other girl is in the group.

What shall I do?

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 20/05/2020 16:15

Just be pleased that he’s shown his true colours early on. Tell him that too if he gaslights anymore! Hold your head up, you’ve behaved perfectly well, he hasn’t. You need better than that in a boyfriend!

RantyAnty · 20/05/2020 16:46

Next!

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 17:09

Yeah it's two different questions isn't it - men will try to get away with technicalities if you ask them if they're seeing anyone. If they're "just" sleeping with someone they can just say no, they're single, and not technically with anyone.

But this guy seems like he was actually with this other person anyway, what a snake!

QuentinWinters · 20/05/2020 17:15

Ugh red flags everywhere. Lovebombing and gas lighting and you've only just started. You've had a lucky escape OP. He sounds like he could be a complete headfuck

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 17:24

Quentin I didn't even think of the lovebombing but you're so right. The whole day long date, the connection... those first dates that are too hood to be true

cheeseaddict420 · 20/05/2020 17:28

'He’s now claiming he never said he didn’t have a girlfriend Urgh what a frigging liar! Does he think you are stupid omg. Glad you are ditching good for you he sounds like endless drama

AgentJohnson · 20/05/2020 17:29

•I’ve made my position clear, and shown I’m upfront and don’t mess around.

This only applies if you don’t see him again.

fuckinghellthisshit · 20/05/2020 17:31

He's going on dates with you and he has a girl friend? Why do you want anything to do with him?

Original poster

Lara2015 · 20/05/2020 17:38

It’s that hazy area where he’s not in a serious relationship, and we spent time together and enjoyed it. No foul no harm, BUT I was catching feelings so had to face up to it.

I said it’s fine, and it’s a shame he’s not single! I think this is ok, I’m saying I do like you, but heck you’re dating someone else, if things were different who knows? And you know, they may end up being different!

I’d be flattered if I received that, it’s always better to fess up how you feel.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 20/05/2020 20:50

Gross how guys these days get away with having multiple by not 'promoting them to girlfriend' yuck!

I agree it's odd...

Well done for calling him out OP

user1481840227 · 20/05/2020 21:08

Ugh so much wrong with the way you're speaking about this guy.

"Today I find out he’s having a ‘thing’ with a girl (who’s a totally weird match!), which has been going for 3 months, if not more. She’s obviously not been promoted to girlfriend status*

Maybe he has wanted to be her boyfriend all this time and she didn't 'promote him to boyfriend status'. You make it sound like he's the prize!

He's now lying and saying he never said he didn't have a girlfriend...and you're messaging saying it's a shame you're not single....in other words i'll be your fallback girl if things don't work out even though you've just lied and gaslighted me and I know that you did.

Why do you want to flatter him? It's cringey!!
Well I know why you want to, because you want him to see you as an option in future, but why would you want to be an option for a guy like this!!! You could see him then for a few months, he might not "promote you to girlfriend status" and could have another girl just like you waiting to take your place!
Red flags all over this guy!

ChristmasFluff · 20/05/2020 21:17

OP, this man is not the person you think he is. You are accepting his act at face value.

I can count the number of genuinely shy men who have multiple girlfriends on the fingers of no hands.

You are chasing a player.

nomorequilton · 20/05/2020 21:26

Gross. He's a shit bloke.

Bunnymumy · 20/05/2020 21:36

He is probably stringing that other lass along too.

And if he went on a date with you (and knew it was a date) And told you he is single, when actually he is sleeping with someone else, then he is a gobshite.

Just read your second post where he says he never claimed to be single. What a tool. Not worth your time.

Ding dong ditch him. Delete and block.
Onwards and upwards :)

Sugartitss · 20/05/2020 22:07

Bit shitty of you to text him op when you found out he was seeing someone.

Actually, that’s really shitty.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 20/05/2020 22:30

Hmm it sounds like to me you were enjoying the attention and sound put out that you’re not the one and only now. You sound quite dismissive of their relationship “a weird match” “ ‘thing’” just let it go, he chose her and you even make that sound like he only chose her because he didn’t know you were interested!

Lolalovesroses · 20/05/2020 23:26

Him posting " cute photographs"of the two of you on your date, in a group that his girlfriend is in is so disrespectful, to both of you.I feel he has used you to make his girlfriend jealous. They are probably going through a rocky patch,he knows you are attracted to him and has used you to boost his ego.

user1481840227 · 20/05/2020 23:34

Your responses to him just smack of trying to be the "cool girl".

MMmomDD · 21/05/2020 00:09

Lara
You, and everyone involved in this seem young. And i think you are in the same friendship group or something like that.
You are asking advice on a forum where most of people are much older, and are in different kinds of relationships.

I don’t think the boy is doing anything wrong, really. Whatever ‘thing’ he is having with someone - he told you about it. He also posted a picture of the two of you - so that girl is aware too.
It’s perfectly ok for (young) people to be in casual relationships. We don’t know what his arrangement is with that girl.
You spent a bit of time with him - and it felt nice. And you told him. Nothing wrong with that just as well.
It may be that he was previously too shy to think he had a chance with you. And now he knows. Ball in his court.
Enjoy being young and dating in any way you want to date!

copperoliver · 21/05/2020 00:52

Walk x

Mnthrowaway20202 · 21/05/2020 04:13

it’s fine, and it’s a shame he’s not single!

I would never send that, it makes you sound soo desperate. Particularly as he lied to you when denying that he said he was single. Why are you putting up with this? Do better. Christ.

vikingwife · 21/05/2020 05:06

Agree I see “cool girl” vibes when reading this. Best response is the thumbs up emoji & leave it at that
You know he deceived you to believe he was single. To say he never said that now is straight up gaslighting. If he wasn’t single, what were you doing together ? Gas lighters are the worst. You can’t reason with them, just remove yourself.

I feel like you still want to date him & sometimes we have to get our hearts broken so we don’t live in wonder...

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