Wife has two ‘close’ male friends

[tonyroy]

Wife has two very old male friendships which i thought were harmless at first.
As time has progressed, i found out that ‘john’ slept with my wife when they were around 20, she’s 40 now.
Whenever they meet there’s a sexual chemistry there, mild touching, following each other around etc. They work together so they often go away with each other. John is married also but looks unhappy about it.
I’ve caught John looking at my wife’s bum and often makes crude jokes in front of us both. The most suspicious thing is they went back to a hotel room to do ‘work’ for the afternoon. I don’t want to insist on less contact because I will be accused of controlling but I really don’t know what I can do about it.
They haven’t seen each other because of furlough but I know there will always be a party sooner or later.

There's a huge anti snooping contingent here on MN that will very much disagree with me, but personally I'd snoop as much as possible to see if there's anything suspicious/damning in whatever context she has with him.

Slept together 20 yes ago .. meh.

Looked at her arse; don't a lot of men do that to any woman's arse they find non repulsive/she inappropriate?

Crude jokes .. meh again. He could just be crude.

*contact she has with him

The "went back to a hotel room to do ‘work’ for the afternoon" does sound a bit dodgey.

Why not stay in the lounge/restaurant/function room if they had one ..
More appropriate and usually hotel rooms only have one smallish desk and one chair for it.

Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't tone ro move on.

And the second friend?

Yeah they're shagging like rabbits.

Putting boundaries in place isn't controlling, OP!

As you don't trust your wife you might as well just get a divorce tbh

If it was a woman saying this about her husband, she'd have been told to LTB by now.... as "D"H is obviously shagging around behind her back.

OP have you actually asked your wife about these men? You mentioned two of them. What is the story with the second one?

Is there anything else that makes you mistrust her? How long were your together before she told you about sleeping with this man 20 years ago?

Hotel room does sound dodgy but equally could be innocent. I have platonic male friends who I have camped with, shared a bed with etc, but they absolutely are platonic and DP has never questioned this.

I don’t think anyone would be comfortable with what you’re describing! There’s a big difference between having male friends and having flirty crude male friends you run off to hotel rooms with. I would say your intuition is trying to tell you something here and you should look into it further without mentioning anything.

Forget all the you either have trust or not crap! Yeah we all trust our parents until they cheat and the truth is anyone is capable of cheating. If you don’t find anything then no problem you can get on with your life together and not be bothered by her male friends again but if you do find something then your intuition was correct. Good luck :)

From a woman who has male friends I have slept with when I was younger, I would say don’t worry OP.

I am a loyal woman and would never cheat. If she’s with you, then trust her. Until you have concrete evidence she’s cheating or up to something then there is nothing you can do. Be proud she’s got men checking her out and that she only wants you.

Yeah if you don't trust her what the point. You should move on with your life.

Op next time pretend you’re a woman posting about their DH and you will get more supportive answers

Mumsnet needs a reality check

Mumsnet needs a reality check

It really actually doesn't at all. Men and women are not the same.

But it takes both a man and a woman to have an affair (a heterosexual one).

Sadiesnakes

Say again? I think most of mumsnet would disagree with your statement.

I don't mind my oh having female friends or remaining friends with exes but what you're describing would really hurt and annoy me and make me jealous.

I have remained friends with exes but would never flirt or be touchy with them.

I would talk to her and ask her how she would feel if you were to be working and hanging out with an ex, watch her arse, go to her hotel room in the afternoon and be touchy with her. No woman would be happy with that (at least the ones I know).

If you are a grown up sensible person, you should talk to your wife about your worries. All this talk about snooping is totally wrong. I despair that so many people resort to this kind of thing.

I've been the wife in this situation (assuming it's all innocent), though my male friends are classier than to make crude jokes.

Sleeping with them in my younger days just set us up for a stronger friendship now. That sort of thing breaks down barriers around things like mild touching and being physically close, even when there's no further interest in being sexual with them. I do things like share hotel rooms and let them put their arm around me without even giving it a second thought. Could that be what you're observing?

Dwelling on this sort of thing and letting it fester will mess up your mind and your marriage. The best thing you can do is calmly talk to her about your concerns and negotiate some boundaries that work for both of you.

@tonyroy

Have you spoken to your wife about this? That would be my advice. You’ll know by her if she’s telling the truth. The best approach is about how you feel and not being accusatory. Surely if you’re married to a person you should be able to discuss insecurities...

@1forAll74

I disagree that all of Mumsnet would disagree. There's plenty here that understand my statement.

Is she still abusing alcohol?

You’ve written about her behavior when intoxicated, including being over-friendly and touchy-feely with a man until his wife separated them, and bed sharing with male colleagues during the first 6 months of your relationship. You were ‘pretty sure’ she’d cheated on you.

She has also been violent to you when drunk.

She stopped drinking while pregnant but resumed after your daughter’s birth. She was still drinking last year.

I wouldn’t trust her behavior with John under the circumstances. More importantly, I wouldn’t expose my daughter to an alcoholic home, violent or not.

If you were a woman you'd probably be told to trust your intuition.

@Sadiesnakes I totally understand.

‘‘’there’s a huge anti snooping contingent here on MN that will very much disagree with me’’ i totally disagree with there is always encouragement to snoop.
There is a thread ongoing at the moment with people actively encouraging the wife to hire a PI, helping her get into her husbands phone activity.
All this forum ever does his say men are pigs, if they hold their phone the wrong way they are clearly cheating and women can do no harm even if they are the ones that may be playing the field. There is another chat a few threads down where the woman is sleeping with a married man- insisting he is separated from wife but still living with her.
Women cheat too and women pursue married men it isn’t just men.

OP I hope you find a way to ask your wife about it. Come from the view of how you are feeling. Not what she might be doing.
For instance don’t say I think you are sleeping with him.
Say I feel as an observer looking from the outside that your relationship looks to be more than friends and I don’t want to feel this way but I am needing to say it so we can talk it through.