Wife has two ‘close’ male friends

[tonyroy]

Wife has two very old male friendships which i thought were harmless at first.
As time has progressed, i found out that ‘john’ slept with my wife when they were around 20, she’s 40 now.
Whenever they meet there’s a sexual chemistry there, mild touching, following each other around etc. They work together so they often go away with each other. John is married also but looks unhappy about it.
I’ve caught John looking at my wife’s bum and often makes crude jokes in front of us both. The most suspicious thing is they went back to a hotel room to do ‘work’ for the afternoon. I don’t want to insist on less contact because I will be accused of controlling but I really don’t know what I can do about it.
They haven’t seen each other because of furlough but I know there will always be a party sooner or later.

I’ve talked to her about it and she denies anything is going on but she’s had an affair in the past and does lie about the other friend as well, ’Ian’. Her and Ian shared a bed together once but I do believe her about Ian as, it’s the sort of platonic relationship others have described here. (Bed sharing, holidays together without sex).
The thing about John is, he’s started to ring her weekly and ask her when she’s next going to be away from home (I Overheard bits from the conversation)

Ms dog lady
Her drinking is now under control.

I think she sees John as her friend but John sees her in a sexual way but refuses to admit it as she knows the friendship would be over.

If you are a grown up sensible person, you should talk to your wife about your worries. All this talk about snooping is totally wrong. I despair that so many people resort to this kind of thing.

Yes because cheaters (whether emotional, physical or both) are always beautifully honest and straight up.

They never want to cake eat and never ever lie or minimise in order to cake eat.

she’s had an affair in the past

With that context and her ongoing behaviour (lack of boundaries at the very least) I'd say leave tbh.
She doesn't sound trustworthy.

You should've dumped her due to the affair. You shouldnt have gone ahead and had a child with her - that now makes things much more stakes.

And if day exactly the same to a woman I this position.

But you've had your child, it is what it is. You have to decide on the best route forward (go for 50 50, maybe even go for resident parent - though if she doesn't agree, I doubt even her past drinking would go against her if it went to court).

I think you're just going to get more of this the longer you stay married to her.

*much more high stakes

If she had an affair before, then there isn't much stopping. Her from doing it again really. While telling her to cut down contact would be controlling, telling her how her relationship with the guy is making you feel (uncomfortable, suspicious), and how parts of it is very inappropriate (crude jokes, working in hotel room) is not controlling. A loving and respectful partner would take your feelings and thoughts into consideration and work with you on how to make the situation less uncomfortable for you. If she dismisses your concerns then it doesn't necessarily mean she is having an affair with him, but it definitely shows that she doesn't care about hiw this makes you feel

One would think, having retained her relationship in spite of an affair, she'd be highly highly motivated to maintain boundaries and not keep a flirty friendship going with a man you believe she knows (and I think you're right) sees her sexually. Instead, as youve pointed out the "friendship" (attention, validation etc) is more important to her.

I don't see much fear (fear of consequences,of losing you) from her.

I'll get flamed for this but quite honestly I don't believe women cheat on men they respect.

(Men sometimes do, but women rarely).

The main reasons they might are a. If the man's been abusive to quite a degree and they do it as a type of exit affair because they don't feel "strong" enough to exit totally alone. (Which I suppose means they have still lost respect for him in a certain way).

If they are truly emotionally damaged and unstable, they do it to seek validation, excitement etc. That is often accompanied by things like alcohol abuse which reflects their issues. In that case I'm really not sure if they truly respect the man of not. I'm inclined to.say they don't. The very fact that you're commited to them devalues you as a source of validation.

Since it doesn't sound like you are abusive, it's probably the latter (fits with the previous alcohol abuse/dependence). I haven't seen many people like that solve their issues. Usually their partner just gets more if the same til they end the relationship.

Ganarlibar said: Sleeping with them in my younger days just set us up for a stronger friendship now. That sort of thing breaks down barriers around things like mild touching and being physically close, even when there's no further interest in being sexual with them. I do things like share hotel rooms and let them put their arm around me without even giving it a second thought. Could that be what you're observing?)
No mate I had an ex that was all friendy friendly with her exes just so as she could favors out of them. Don't believe a word of it! If I was you damn right I'd be suspicious and I'd be 'snooping' as they all call it here. Furthermore creepy ex John would would be picking his teeth up off the floor making comments and getting touchy feely with my partner. Sounds like they're both mugging you off.