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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner doesn't let me have just 5 minutes

58 replies

NCforthisone2020 · 19/05/2020 19:12

Just that really.
NC for this.
All I wanted was 5 minutes to de stress and take myself out of the room for my own sanity. 2 minutes later DC were brought into me.

Does anyone else's partner do this?
It's not normal

OP posts:
Original poster
NCforthisone2020 · 19/05/2020 22:19

Thank you all for your replies. I know it can no longer continue and I will put what's best for me and the kids first. I deserve to be happy too. You have all made me realise I am entitled to time on my own without being guilt tripped and made to feel like a rubbish mother for wanting 5 uninterrupted minutes Thanks

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/05/2020 22:44

What a twat.

He could care less.

Sounds like you do it all anyway, he's only an annoyance.

Definitely mess with the wifi...but don't pretend you are doing it...do it at random times, not a word...his annoyance will be deeply soothing👍😂

Jammydodger6 · 19/05/2020 22:51

5 uninterrupted minutes? I need way more than that. You are not being unreasonable at all.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 20/05/2020 09:04

Hey OP, my partner's ex was the same. He'd even sent them out to her while she was on the toilet if they needed anything. He'd stay home on all family trips etc. if he could.

He also never believed she'd leave him. When she told him she was considering it he simply replied "No you're not" as if that was the end of the discussion.

She did, obviously.

What I will say is that he has a better relationship with them now than he did when they were together. He has them every other weekend, and he can't hide from it like he did when their mum was there to do it all. It's taken a few years but he's built a fairly solid relationship with them now. I guess it's a little easier for him now they're a little older (the biggest just turned 10) but still, he makes more effort in two days with them now than he ever apparently did when they were together.

dottiedodah · 20/05/2020 09:34

Saffy 1234 Sorry to hear that .Some men really are the end! Hopefully you will get over him ,and meet someone new or just have fun with your friends .My Friend says "birthdays are just another day".Still a shit thing to do though!(maybe have a belated birthday with your chums if you can) Sending virtual hugs to you xx

moonset · 20/05/2020 09:36

Of course you need some time to yourself. He sounds like a terrible partner and father. Very selfish. You will get all the best support and advice you need on here.

Weenurse · 20/05/2020 09:42

Offer him EOW and see what he says.
Is he the type who would not have them at all if you separate?

RedCouch · 20/05/2020 12:07

My ex was the same. He oozed "I can't be bothered" when it came it my little one. I'd end up doing everything while glaring at him and resenting him sat there doing nothing.

Single mum now to my little girl and its so peaceful and pleasant in the house now, her Dad visits so we get nice quality family still but if he's annoying me I know it's only for another wee bit then he's away.

Gallacia · 20/05/2020 12:11

My husband started to, he'd follow me around with DS in tow. I exploded and he's started giving me space now

Zomblie · 20/05/2020 13:22

I used to get this from DH when both kids were smaller. He's stopped doing this now and stepped up so much more.

I think three things contributed to him changing.

Me losing my absolute shit one day and yelling that I might as well be a single mum, at least then I'd only have TWO children to worry about.

A good friend of his being dumped by his wife for exactly the same crimes. The friend was devastated and my DH saw a mirror there.

Me pointing out that I don't actually need him in my life, he's here in our family unit because I want him to be there.... if I ever decide I don't want him there he won't be. I can survive just fine with me and the kids, probably slightly better financially.

Good luck OP, I think, if you want to give him a chance you need to make him realise he stands a good chance of losing you.

GlassOfProsecco · 20/05/2020 13:32

My ex is an ex for this reason.

He just opted out of family life, leaving me to do everything to do with kids & home.

I became resentful & he just didn't listen or change.

When I told him it was over, he was shocked.

And then proceeded to demand 50-50 care of d/c so he wouldn't have to pay maintenance.

The man who had never done a drop off or pickup in his life.

Fuckwitt

doubleshotespresso · 20/05/2020 13:37

I've had this every single day since the 9th March.
Day and night
It is absolute hell OP you have my sympathy
I've tried asking, tried politely chatting, shared how overwhelmingly exhausted I am , even broke down two weeks ago.

But no here we are still

I'm exhausted

saffy1234 · 20/05/2020 14:43

Thankyou @dottiedodah (very apt name I call my daughter Dorothy that!). Yeah sod him if he's willing to Chuck his family away over nothing,self centred berk!

CovidicusRex · 20/05/2020 15:07

Just tell him that you are going out for some exercise alone and leave for an hour or two. Tale a picnic maybe.

Becstar90 · 20/05/2020 15:17

Yes all the time. I never get alone time and all I ask is once a week to be left alone for 1 hr while I watch a show I enjoy. Do you think I can do this without getting interrupted with a screaming toddler? No. Meanwhile he gets hrs on end to himself all week while at home. Does my head in

LouHotel · 20/05/2020 15:19

Longterm I think you know what you have to do but short term for your own sanity i would be taking yourself off for a second walk on your own for an hour to de stress, even if you just go and sit on a bench with an audio book.

He might sulk when you get home but that banked hour a day will get you through the rest of lockdown.

LouHotel · 20/05/2020 15:21

@glassofprosecco does he do the 50/50

I'm always interest if men like this ever get perspective or if they just find another women to do their share.

GlassOfProsecco · 20/05/2020 15:45

@LouHotel - that's all to be decided!

Unfortunately I'm still living with him in lockdown (we're in Scotland) - can't sell up, move or do anything just now.

If he'd been an involved, engaged, interested father, I'd be in full agreement with 50-50.

But he's not been, I've very much been the primary carer

And I know that he's only doing it to avoid paying maintenance.

copycopypaste · 20/05/2020 16:02

My ex pulled the 50/50 card, so I said fine, it'll mean I get time to go and see friends, further my career, go to the gym etc. I even proposed a rota, all of a sudden he couldn't do it due to work (I also have a full time job). He sees them eow now.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/05/2020 16:06

How old are they op? Just how negligent would he be if you walked out and shouted "going for a walk" as you left?

TorkTorkBam · 20/05/2020 16:12

He knows how to push all the right buttons to get you to comply.

My sister agreed to 50:50 with her DH without argument even though she knew he would do fuck all. Still, she immediately said that's super for the kids 50:50 it is

Of course within three months he has done hardly anything. The kids were bored to hell when they were there with him. Even his mum and sister had down tooled and refused to do his childcare for him. Then it was easy peasy to make realistic maintenance and contact arrangements in mediation. Well played sis by letting it play out without comment. No need for I told you so just oh look what's happened

backseatcookers · 20/05/2020 19:17

This is awful. Reframe your thinking on this as you are hugely UNDER reacting!

Your thread title should be:

"Partner refuses to parent alone for more than five minutes"

He's an embarrassment.

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/05/2020 20:24

Ok so I'm not sure how near a shop/park you are.. but I think you pop a wine glass in your handbag and if you have drinks at home them too but if there's a marks nearby I can highly recommend their pornstar martinis. All of the cocktails in cans are great though. Then just go. Say nothing. Don't take your phone. Take your drinks and go and sit in the park. Enjoy! No ones going to die! He's not your owner, you are an adult who is free to walk out of her own house and stay out without comment.

If he starts I think you should go postal. Maybe then he will decide to be less of a dick

Original poster
NCforthisone2020 · 21/05/2020 23:39

Thank you all.
I never really saw it as under reacting as I always get told I over react Hmm.
He doesn't listen. I spoke to him and it hasn't changed. Youngest DC was napping on me and I must have closed my eyes for a matter of two minutes to then hear my name being called about ten times by him. 'You fell asleep' I'm well aware of that...
He knows that this is done. I'm mentally drained by him.
He probably wouldn't bother with EOW and I know what sort of person he is. If he got a new partner she would come first...
My kids have me they don't go without and despite what he says I believe I'm a brilliant mother.
I noticed when I cook dinner he walks past the kitchen multiple times with youngest DC. If I'm in the kitchen he ALWAYS comes in.
If he on the rare occasion bathes DC he always calls me in 'oh can you get' it's like he can't stand me doing something for myself for a couple of minutes.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/05/2020 23:43

What a waste of space OP, but you have the measure of him.

Wishing you well.Flowers

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