Separated from wife during lockdown but hasn't moved out

[Kikidee88]

Im expecting alot of criticism but I have nowhere else to turn. I have known my colleague for 18 months and always felt something there but as we were both married, never acted on it. At the start of this year we began working closer together and discussed our marriages, we were both feeling unhappy skip a few weeks and I left my husband 2 weeks after we first kissed. I knew that regardless of a future with my colleague, this marriage was not right for me. I seen my colleague as fun, and we both said it was just that however 6 weeks ago, we admitted that we had fallen in love with eachother and despite the lockdown, he has separated from his wife. As we are key workers we have continued to work from my home every single day. He said that his wife can't find out about me as it will cause too much hurt and upset. We both have kids that are early teens. I do believe he has split with her, we constantly talk on messages and he has never given me a reason to doubt him I guess, but he still goes home every day once office hours are done (to avoid suspicion he says) it breaks my heart everytime he leaves and he tells me to have some patience and I will see in time he is as serious about me as I am him. I know these situations don't usually work out in the other woman's favour and I don't know how to deal with this, I know we have genuine love but will he really leave the family home and sacrifice this for me? Should I give him an ultimatum? I can't bear life without him. My heart hurts so much for him to be with me

[passerbye]

I don’t understand.
If he’s separated from his wife then why can’t she find out about you? What’s the problem? How long is he intending to keep lying to her? Surely the poor woman deserves to know the truth. He’s not really showing good judgement or character here. Either that or he hasn’t split with her. Poor woman

[funnylittlefloozie]

He hasnt separated from his wife (the clue to this that he goes home to her every night). He isnt going to leave his wife. Are you actually bonking your new bloke in front of the kids?

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

I once would of depicted a similar response but until you are in this situation you will never understand.

I mean this is just bullshit. When peoplr cheat, other peolle just don't understand.

Fact is, our feelings our special to us. But actually its not that special. Most people have felt deeply in love, or like they need to be with one person. Plenty if us have had feelings for someone outside our relationships. Its not unique.

But plenty of us manage to not accidently kiss and shag someone.

[YouJustDoYou]

however 6 weeks ago, we admitted that we had fallen in love with eachother and despite the lockdown, he has separated from his wife (first mark on the bingo scorecard of what married men Say to their mistresses). As we are key workers we have continued to work from my home every single day. He said that his wife can't find out about me as it will cause too much hurt and upset (second bingo from the married cheater's scorecard). We both have kids that are early teens. I do believe he has split with her, we constantly talk on messages and he has never given me a reason to doubt him I guess, but he still goes home every day once office hours are done (to avoid suspicion he says) (third bingo, gosh, he really is a waking cliche) it breaks my heart everytime he leaves and he tells me to have some patience and I will see in time he is as serious about me as I am him (and ding ding ding! We have a bingo winner!!).

Op.....this is literal married cheater's script. These are the exact lines they ALWAYS say. He's utterly pulled the wool over your eyes.

[dontdisturbmenow]

He says he is ready to build a life with me, she just can't find out that I am the reason for the split
So he doesn't want to break her heart. The way to avoid this is to lie, tell her he is leaving her because things are not good between them. When she asks 'is there another woman?', because they ALWAYS ask that question, he is going to say no, there isn't, I promise. Then he'll move out, see his kids who will ask who you are and go home to say 'yep, daddy's got a girlfriend he works with' and she's not at all going to guess the truth....

Do you see how the above scenario makes no sense at all, and if he really isn't lying to you, he is intending to lie to her in the worse possible way that will hurt her much more than him leaving in the first place and that makes him a complete coward. Can you really love someone like this?

[YouJustDoYou]

pin.it/5y1m0z0

"11 most common lies married men tell their mistresses". You need You read this, op. You're not the first who's been sucked in. You're exavtly the same as all the other mistresses who have been told the exact same lies.

[Devlesko]

He'd have left if he was going to.
You need to find someone who is available, or better still be on your own a bit and set a good example to your kids. Don't let them think you're behaviour is normal.

[ToastedHaMSandwich]

Oh dear OP. This is so sad. Neither you nor your children can ‘love him’ in 6 weeks.

What do your children do while you and him are working from your home? Convenient for his wife and his children that they don’t have to curtail their activities and avoid making any noise or avoid using certain rooms as he’s working from yours. How jolly convenient.

[Kikidee88]

We speak all the time when he is at home, they are living separate lives. I'm not being foolish, inam saying what he is saying to me. We speak until late and all over the weekend. He said as soon as lockdown has lifted he is moving out. My kids have met him as my colleague some time ago so initially he was just mum's friend. My kids are nearly teens, they aren't little kids. We don't go out on trips together, as a family and he doesn't spend quality time with them as such. But they say they have never seen me so happy.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

Ding ding ding...we have a winner....'we live separate lives'.

I relay to messages all the time at home. Dp trusts me so isnt watching over my shoulder. But I can be trusted.

I am sorry but no one old enough to have teen children, is this naive

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

As long as they have never seen you so happy.

Young teens never have a problem with their mum spending the hours of 9-5 shagging a new boyfriend, shortly after she kicked their dad out, during lock down. Its well known teens love that sort of thing.

[Cabinfever10]

Your kids may say that now, but how long until they see the havoc that your affair causes? They are almost teenagers and will judge you so will his!
You will never have a relationship with his DC you will always be the OW and "home wrecker " and probably many other nasty names to them. As far as they will see it you destroyed their family (yes I know that he is just as guilty).
What will you do when his DC refuse to have anything to do with you? Or worse still make him choose between being with you or being in their life.
Will you be able to be with someone who would just abandon his DC for some woman?
You are living in a fantasy world

[funnylittlefloozie]

Have his kids met you, "just as dad's friend?" I bet they havent.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

arent you worried that you will both look complete twats when someone senior finds out, he isnt actually working at home.

He is working from yours and telling his wife he has to go to work. And instead of working is carrying on his affair?

[Potentialmadcatlady]

‘Nearly teens’ ??
What a wonderful way to mess them up for the rest of their lives and your relationship with them...is this man potentially worth losing your kids over for life? This is not a fairytale..

[pintoffginplz]

My word, he's played you like a violin. You are a complete mug if you believe him, but lots of luck hun for the future

[Kikidee88]

Look, I am not doing the things you are suggesting. We are working from home, we sit and work hard. We just be in eachothers company. All our colleagues know we are together, he has not kept this secret. I do understand how I look and there is obviously alot more to it. My kids "love" him was obviously the wrong word to use but they are fond of him. My marriage was over for some time and they were well aware of that. Its been a crazy few months and maybe I am not thinking straight at times, I understand that.

[Rhubardandcustard]

Feel sorry for your kids and his in all this.

Feel sure he is getting everything he wants out of this ‘relationship’ and you’ll be left to pick up the pieces with your family.

If you’re lucky they might forgive you.

[TorkTorkBam]

Fuck ultimatums. Call the wife and ask her directly if he is telling the truth about them having split up because you have no bloody intention of being anyone's mistress.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

Bollocks. Not a chance are you a key worker who has been sent to wfh and no one has an issue with him not actually working from his home. And technically breaking lockdown rules.

They are all gossiping about you behind your back. Making jokes about what you are up to. No one respects either of you and at some point someone senior will decide to do something. An annoyed colleague might even tell his wife. How great would that be? Her on your doorstep, in front of your kids. And, I bet he would try and stay with her, even then.

If there is no physical relationship, then you sre just colleagues. Inappropriate colleagues. He is with his wife, and you are women he hangs around with to boost his ego.

Your kids shouldn't have been well aware of how bad your marriage was. And they still have to deal with their parents splitting up.

No teenagers want their mums new boyfriend hanging round the house all the time, when their parents marriage has just broken up.

They dont love him. They barely know him.

[begoniapot]

Back off until he actually leaves his wife. You are confusing the situation by being available and he needs to really make up his mind who he wants.

[Techway]

If he is speaking to you when at home and his wife does not know then he is lying and sneaking around. Think about the person who is capable of doing that? If they were living separate lives she wouldn't be bothered about him seeing you.

The most accurate thing you have said is "I may not be thinking straight at times".

You haven't won a prize.. a man capable of such deceit isn't worth having but I suspect you will find out down the line.

[funnylittlefloozie]

So there is no physical relationship, you guys are just sharing space on the dining room table, giving each other soppy looks over the spreadsheets?

Quite apart from the morals of the situation, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. He isnt really bothered about you, probably keeps coming round because youre a bit of an ego boost for him, and possibly he feels a bit guilty that you actually went and left your husband when he had no intention of leaving his wife.

[jbee1979]

Sorry to be the coronavirus police, but should he even be in your house? Is this not the point of working from home? Where you're not sharing your working space with your colleagues?

The rest is just mad. Step back. You're doing the pick-me dance.

[YinMnBlue]

Why is he in your house?

How come a key worker works in your house and not his own, if wfh?

In the end, you can't know whether he will leave his wife until things are back to normal. So you either need to tell yourself that it is a big gamble you are taking, and hope he is telling the truth, and brace yourself for a crash, Or else tell yourself that until BOTH of you are free to pursue a relationship without baggage and deceit then you both need to wait.

That's all - just wait.

If it is a relationship that is built to endure it will stand a couple of moths waiting. Lots of people's relationships are on hold at present.