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Original poster

Confused

28 replies

Outinthec0ld · 18/05/2020 23:15

I started dating a woman who had just broken up with her husband. We had been friends before they seperate. She has told me how she disliked him, he wasn't the man she started dating, he was controlling, he was horrible to their kids, she no longer found he physically or mentally attractive. She told me how much she loved me, I was her soul mate, wished we had met sooner. We had an amazing chemistry and being together was electric, everything just clicked in to place for both of us. Out of the blue she dumped me and has gone back to her husband. I'm thinking it is for security, the family home and that he had little or no input with their children whilst they were apart which caused her stress. Since the breakup she texts me daily and phones on occasion, all just friendly. What is going on I am confused?

OP posts:
JaineyMac · 18/05/2020 23:18

She’s just not that into you. Next!

SnoozyLou · 18/05/2020 23:20

You need to stop answering her. She is using you as a safety net and in doing so is treating you appallingly. I would hazard a guess it’s for the reasons you state, but for whatever reason, she has chosen to be with him. Now she has to get on with that. I am sorry this happened to you. You deserve a lot better than she is offering you now though. I would simply stop responding to her.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2020 23:23

Stop torturing yourself and just block this woman, who is a complete waste of your time. All she is doing is using you to stroke her ego. Don't be a mug.

stellabelle · 18/05/2020 23:24

I'm thinking it is for security, the family home and that he had little or no input with their children whilst they were apart which caused her stress.

This ^^

I'd move on. She is doing what many people do and there is nothing to be confused about.

MLouise84 · 18/05/2020 23:32

The grass wasn't greener and you wasn't 'just a friend'. You were having an emotional affair.

Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 18/05/2020 23:46

MLouise84 I disagree that it was an emotional affair. I believe her feelings for me were true she couldn't fake that or the chemistry we have together. I think she has confused the situation and misses the security of not having to rely on parents for minding their children so she can work and that she didn't feel secure living at her parents with her children. Thing is I would have moved house to be able to give her that security and for her to live somewhere with her children who I got on great with. I would never have expected a relationship with her to be without her children as they are part of her. I have children of my own and they have met many times and get on. My house move would have been so we could live together with her children and there would be room for my 2 children when they stayed as well.

OP posts:
Justathinslice · 18/05/2020 23:47

She is having her cake and eating it.

Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 18/05/2020 23:52

Justathinslice I don't believe that she is that manipulative. She is the most sincere person, she could have lied to me but was honest as soon as she felt she had to choose her estranged husband. Is she keeping in contact do you think to make it easier for me or to keep me as an option so I don't stop thinking about her?

OP posts:
therona · 18/05/2020 23:59

If they like you, you'll know. If they don't, you'll be confused.

MLouise84 · 19/05/2020 00:09

I started dating a woman who had just broken up with her husband. We had been friends before they seperate. She has told me how she disliked him, he wasn't the man she started dating, he was controlling, he was horrible to their kids, she no longer found he physically or mentally attractive. She told me how much she loved me, I was her soul mate, wished we had met sooner. We had an amazing chemistry and being together was electric, everything just clicked in to place for both of us.

This was an emotional affair.

Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 19/05/2020 00:12

Therona I know she likes me, the confusion for me is that I want to wait for her, I would wait an eternity because you don't just find a connection like this with someone ordinarily. I just don't know whether she will ever find herself in a position for us. Even if it doesn't happen I'm happy to have experienced feelings like this on such a level, some people might go their whole life and not experience the feelings I have.

OP posts:
MLouise84 · 19/05/2020 00:12

I know it might bring you some comfort to think that she's only gone back to this man for 'security' but I personally wouldn't choose security of happiness. If she really wanted to be with you, she would.

Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 19/05/2020 00:13

MLouise84 you are so insightful

OP posts:
Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 19/05/2020 00:17

MLouise84 when you are having anxiety that you can't support your children properly or you may not be able to work because of piss poor support from your ex I think it plays a part. It's manipulative and controlling behaviour, much like he treated her before they broke up.

OP posts:
sunnydays78 · 19/05/2020 00:42

It’s what she’s known for a long time. Even if he is all the things you say that’s been her life. It’s harder to step out on your own. She wouldn’t have been anywhere near ready to date anyone. I think it’s very worrying how quickly you jumped into kids meeting.
Her marriage wasn’t over, not properly. Block her and move on

Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 19/05/2020 00:50

Sunnydays78 thank you. I think you are right, we embarked to quickly when I should have stayed away to allow her to grieve her relationship ending. I won't block her but I won't peruse her either. If it is meant to be then their relationship will dissolve naturally and if we still have the same feelings long after they break up/if they break up then I will know it was meant to be.

OP posts:
sunnydays78 · 19/05/2020 00:53

You need to move on with your own life. Don’t be waiting on them deciding. She’s made her decision.

Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 19/05/2020 00:57

If you mean to move on to someone else it would be hard when you feel so deeply. I couldn't use anyone to cloud my feelings.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 19/05/2020 01:01

Did you tell her you’d move house to give her security etc?

If you did and she still went back to her husband then there’s your answer.

Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 19/05/2020 01:58

No I did say that if things were working out that is how I saw our future, depends whether she believed my sincerity I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outinthec0ld · 19/05/2020 02:02

I think in her head she was finding a place of her own and financially that was going to be a struggle. Thing is I would have happily supported her by any means possible. She said her children weren't my responsibility but as far as I am concerned the children came with her and I would bear the responsibility of keeping a roof over our heads and paying the bills.

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 19/05/2020 02:03

I started dating a woman who had just broken up with her husband

That was your first mistake.
Your second is clinging on to the false hope she is feeding you with the daily contact.

bumbleb33s · 19/05/2020 03:59

I think a good idea would be to say to her you think you should stop messaging each other and you’re going to let her get on with her life and you will get on with yours, whether you don’t want to move on or not at the moment, she doesn’t need to know that, if she feels you are getting on with your life and you’re not there for her on a daily basis it might make her realise that she doesn’t want to lose you and wants to be with you more than her husband, but whilst you are drip feeding her daily attention she knows you’re there and there is no need for her to make any decisions. Give it some time, If she stays with her husband she’s made her choice and you have to move on. Hope that makes sense

Dontletitbeyou · 19/05/2020 07:48

You sound like a really nice guy willing to support her kids and her .
Doubt she was really ready to move on , if as you say ,she had just broken up with her husband . Emotions are strange things , you think you are over someone but it just takes one or two things that make you want to try again .
Let her know you are there for her as a friend, but live your life . I know you say you’d wait forever but what if she decides to stay with him . You have one life , can’t see the point of putting it on hold in the hope of someone choosing to come back to you . Sorry , not trying to be mean , just saying it as I see it

DoneWithLove · 19/05/2020 09:01

Hi OP,

I’m in a similar situation to you. The chemistry and connection is through the roof, I too want to wait but I’m not going to. I’m going to try and get on with my life. It’s going to be very difficult but I can’t waste my life waiting.

There has been some excellent advice on here. I’m going to follow it myself (although I had already been thinking it). What will be will be. If she sees you moving on, it may indeed cause her to realise that she doesn’t want to loose you.

When lockdown is over I’m going to go on dates etc. Not because I want to but because I have to. Who knows, perhaps I’ll meet someone fantastic on the way.

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