Do I bring this up? Help me decide please

[SparrowInTheHedge]

I'd appreciate an outside perspective as I'll no doubt be told I'm overreacting if I bring it up with DP. Sorry if it's a bit rambling, everything has just kind of been building up inside me.

I'd like to still have a relationship at the end of lockdown, but I don't know. I feel at the end of my tether. I'm bored, I'm lonely, and I'm feeling unappreciated and invisible. All my DP wants to do is play video games and increase his rank to Super Global Wizard King of Bald Eagles or something

This has not really been much of an issue... until lockdown. We used to go places and do things or at least eat out in a weekday and I also needed down time.

But now of course we don't go anywhere or do anything and if we go for a walk or anything then as soon as we're back in the house he will be back on his computer.

I have to nag to have a date night and for us to spend some time together. It's crippling my self esteem to feel this unwanted. And if I say anything and he changes his behaviour then it won't be because he wants to do they things, right?

Today was really the icing on the cake. I had to work a little bit later than usual because we're swamped at the moment and did he take the initiative to cook us dinner? Yes, of course he did. I was offered beans on toast.

Every single day I cook for us. I go shopping, I carry massive, heavy bags home and I make nice dinners and sometimes lunches as he works literally 5 minutes from home. And the one time I can't get round to it, the most amount of effort I am worth is toasting some bread and microwaving some beans. Anything to quickly get back to his game.

He wasn't always like this. We used to live far away from work and took turns cooking and we would clean the house together on the weekend. You would think that now he's not exhausted from a 1.5 hour commute each way he would pull his weight a bit? Oh no.

I just feel very fed up. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, at the risk of sounding dramatic. Help me.

Are you okay User8563029648123578? You sound a bit frayed

We've been together for a decade, lived together for half of that time. It is "only" in the last few months that I've somehow ended up doing everything, prior to that we split cooking by every other night and would clean the house together on a Sunday morning. So I'm reluctant to throw away an entire relationship because of a hiccup.

At any rate, he's agreed to go back to taking it in turns so I suppose we'll see how it goes. We have also scheduled another date night, so baby steps I suppose?

I am cautiously optimistic but still obviously feeling disillusioned.

The teenage son posts made me laugh, is it me or is there a uk crisis of grown men obsessed with their games

Actually I don't think this is a joke. Ok I don't play computer games so cannot understand the attraction. But if posts on MN are to be believed, there are a hell of a lot of men on their computer playing games all day and night. Now they are not working at the moment, though some of course are, it has really shone a light on their behaviour. Clearly they might just as well go home to Mummy who will wipe their arses for them.

Ah OK OP, that changes my perspective. I imagined you'd not been together long and this was probably the tip of a shit boyfriend iceberg. But if what you're experiencing is a few months of bad behaviour following a decade of him being a good and equal partner, then definitely try addressing it before throwing in the towel. Glad he's been receptive to your feelings. Hope it works out.

The problem with gaming is that men become very addicted to them.

Be careful because this won't magically go away.

The beans on toast really isn't the issue - the issue is that he is so addicted to gaming, he just wanted a quick fix so that he could go back to it as soon as he could.

There are a lot of threads on here with people like you who have ceased to have relationship because of their partner's addiction to gaming. It causes a lot of problems and a lot of separations/divorces.

God only knows how a lot of the young male generation being brought up now are ever going to be able to sustain a happy and healthy relationship when all they are going to want to do is shut themselves in a room and game away for hours and hours everyday.

It's very sad all round.

MaeveDidIt

The beans on toast really isn't the issue - the issue is that he is so addicted to gaming, he just wanted a quick fix so that he could go back to it as soon as he could.

Yes, I think you've got it in one. He used to play casually just for fun and now he's obsessed with chasing the next rank etc. He's bought courses and 121 sessions to improve. And he is improving. But ignores everything else.

He's addicted. The games are designed to give you an endorphin rush by ranking up.

Casual gamers don't really care unless they are last. Your issue is he's not playing in moderation. An ultimatum won't work, as you are dealing with an addiction.

Good luck finding a man that doesn't play video games though 👍

@MaeveDidIt

Agreed, as a young man though... I play video games because it's a hell of a lot better than facing the crappy world we have to deal with where we are never 'good enough' for our partners thanks to Disney setting ridiculous expectations of relationships.

This will never change... you either accept this is your life forever .. or you make him leave...

@Vretz, have I misunderstood your post, or are you implying that women who expect their partners to behave as equal adults in a relationship are just wanting an unobtainable Disney fantasy?

Yeah, terrible old Disney where the handsome Prince is expected to pull his weight at home, take an equal part in childcare and jump the most basic low bar by being not abusive and not financially coercive. That has made it impossible for teh menz.

Away with your Incel nonsense.

I play video games because it's a hell of a lot better than facing the crappy world we have to deal with where we are never 'good enough' for our partners thanks to Disney setting ridiculous expectations of relationships.

Omg hilarious.

Men expected to be equal partners being described as ridiculous expectations i think has summed up the problem Perfectly.

Op, throw this one back. Don't let him steal your thirties as well.

Think my point was lost on the Disney comment. I'm trying to convey that relationships have ups and downs, and unlike Disney, they aren't always rosy with a happy ending.

no you weren't, you said men are never "good enough" because of Disney expectations- not that relationships take work.

Im not sure youve Actually watched a lot of disney, Vretz.

Relationships so have ups and downs. Telling your partner To fuck off out of the family home at night with the children as she is very emotional due to her father dying, who actually died the following day, because you lost your temper as you had to parent the child while she was with her father and do The cooking and some cleaning, well thats not even close to being a normal reaction. The Fact you Mentioned that you cooked and did some light cleaning while your partner was with her dying Father is absolutely pathetic. Then you refused to leave the family Home, leaving your children still homeless.

Telling a woman who woke to find her husband sexually assaulting her that they needed to communicate because he is full of testosterone was disgusting.

And the fact you trawl for abused women threads just to say that there is poor communication and not abuse is pretty damn disgusting too.

I actually Read all your posts last night as more and more i read the more and more i though you sounded like a dangerous individual, sat back telling women that clear abuse was down to their poor communication etc. I think you should continuing with counselling Vretz. And look at some programmes to do to help you see why you are so very, very wrong.

Sparrow

re your comment:-

"It is "only" in the last few months that I've somehow ended up doing everything, prior to that we split cooking by every other night and would clean the house together on a Sunday morning. So I'm reluctant to throw away an entire relationship because of a hiccup".

Its no mere hiccup and you are now minimising and prevaricating. What you are writing here now is a version of the sunken costs fallacy (do read about this some more). That basically causes otherwise good people like you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. Do not let this man steal away any more of your life because you only get one.

@LilyMarshall
My DC aren't homeless.
Her friend was at our home at midnight and was refusing to leave quite aggressively, not my ex...

As I've said previously, there is a major difference between a toxic relationship and an abusive one. Quite a few threads actually seem to suggest the solution is to be abusive back.

I actually Read all your posts last night as more and more i read the more and more i though you sounded like a dangerous individual, sat back telling women that clear abuse was down to their poor communication etc. I think you should continuing with counselling Vretz. And look at some programmes to do to help you see why you are so very, very wrong.

The above is an example of gaslighting, which you would be aware of from the courses. I attended the programmes in my youth. Thank you for proving my point entirely.

If you are refusing to accept others may have a different view to you, then aren't you as bad as an abuser?

I acknowledge others have a different view. I think some are excessive and very binary. 'He will never change'

It's not a crime, or dangerous, to disagree that an individual will never change. Indeed, our criminal justice system is based on the fact people can change.

Just to drop back in with a gentle reminder to the good faith posters on this thread:

While it can be cathartic to take apart an MRA troll's arguments (and let's face it, they disintegrate like toilet paper), receiving responses like these is often part of the fun for them. Posting deliberately provocative comments in order to lure people into time consuming discussions is a common goal for community disrupters. The subjects and topics which they troll about are often chosen specifically to garner the maximum number of responses for the minimum input, for example an MRA posting on the feminism boards, or an abuse apologist trolling on threads by abused women. The time of the good faith posters on this thread is valuable, and attempts to waste that time as well as derail what has so far been a useful thread, should be given the energy and attention they deserve - zero. A useful technique for dealing with a troll who is trying to provoke and derail is to simply talk over them by skipping their comments and replying to the last useful comment on the thread to bring the discussion back on track. If you really want to address a troll's comments, doing so in an abstract way without name checking or quoting the troll can reduce the reward they get from the discussion. Ultimately the troll cannot proceed without audience participation so the best solution is to value your time more highly and not engage with them at all.

Presumably aimed at me. I am a male victim of DV... Seriously? Only women can be victims? Are you for real?

Thank you @ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings, such a helpful and timely post.

@SparrowInTheHedge - how it’s going with your new plan to split the housework, including the cooking ?

I was also thinking about the 1-2-1 tuition he's doing OP. For what purpose is he doing this? How much is it costing and who is paying for it? I've only ever heard of small children paying for tuition to avoid being bullied by their friends for not being good enough when they play as a group. I can sort of understand an adult being obsessed with playing again, but I can't understand what the goal of tuition could be. Is he hoping to somehow build a career out of this game? I'm just asking because if he's investing financially in it then you may have a longer term problem than just him filling his time during lockdown. It could affect whether it's best to treat it like a blip that may self resolve when normal life resumes, or a more entrenched problems that's likely to escalate.

Obviously bring it up... you're unhappy in your relationship.

Throw the shoes at him and wake him up. Fuck that.

Next time he tries to fuck you say 'sorry but you should fuck your PS4 as you haven't paid me attention in months'.

He needs shock value as clearly real life isn't enough for him rn. The 1-2-1 etc is really painfully pathetic. What kind of loser needs lessons in a game?

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

He's doing it to improve how he plays, his techniques etc. He pays for it with his own money. We have separate money for bills etc.