Do I bring this up? Help me decide please

[SparrowInTheHedge]

I'd appreciate an outside perspective as I'll no doubt be told I'm overreacting if I bring it up with DP. Sorry if it's a bit rambling, everything has just kind of been building up inside me.

I'd like to still have a relationship at the end of lockdown, but I don't know. I feel at the end of my tether. I'm bored, I'm lonely, and I'm feeling unappreciated and invisible. All my DP wants to do is play video games and increase his rank to Super Global Wizard King of Bald Eagles or something

This has not really been much of an issue... until lockdown. We used to go places and do things or at least eat out in a weekday and I also needed down time.

But now of course we don't go anywhere or do anything and if we go for a walk or anything then as soon as we're back in the house he will be back on his computer.

I have to nag to have a date night and for us to spend some time together. It's crippling my self esteem to feel this unwanted. And if I say anything and he changes his behaviour then it won't be because he wants to do they things, right?

Today was really the icing on the cake. I had to work a little bit later than usual because we're swamped at the moment and did he take the initiative to cook us dinner? Yes, of course he did. I was offered beans on toast.

Every single day I cook for us. I go shopping, I carry massive, heavy bags home and I make nice dinners and sometimes lunches as he works literally 5 minutes from home. And the one time I can't get round to it, the most amount of effort I am worth is toasting some bread and microwaving some beans. Anything to quickly get back to his game.

He wasn't always like this. We used to live far away from work and took turns cooking and we would clean the house together on the weekend. You would think that now he's not exhausted from a 1.5 hour commute each way he would pull his weight a bit? Oh no.

I just feel very fed up. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, at the risk of sounding dramatic. Help me.

It doesn't sound like you have children from your posts... what's keeping you there? I'd have a final ultimatum chat and if it doesn't change in the next two weeks, leave. What's the point.

You need to at least talk to him. If he changes then it will be because you had a conversation with him, but also (hopefully) because he wants to.

I'd also be setting out a cooking, cleaning and shopping rota. Why on Earth, are you doing all the shopping, carrying heavy bags etc, it should be a partnership and it's ok to expect that.

Does he do anything besides go to work and play video games?

Clean, shop, sit and hang out with you?

You definitely need to talk to him. It is also worth remembering that the lock down won't last forever, and you will be able to go out and do all the things you used to eventually. It seems that the current situation has highlighted flaws in your relationship. If he does dismiss you, and say you are over reacting, then that is the point you may have to consider whether the relationship has a future. Maybe you need to start doing what he is, and see if he still thinks its acceptable.

It sounds to me as if he's done what many seem to have done and gone straight into 'six week school holiday' mode, as this was the last time they had so long to amuse themselves.

He isn't a schoolboy (unless he really is someone's son playing hookey!) and you aren't his mum. You need to sit down and really have a conversation about how YOU feel about the way things are going, before you start to fall into 'mum' mode (doing everything with a quiet passive resentment that results in dinner slammed down on the table with 'I hope it chokes you', if my mother was anything to go by).

Talk to him. Really lay it out. If that doesn't result in changed behaviour, when he realises how neglected you are feeling - well, then at least you will know and you can plan your escape accordingly.

RantyAnty

Does he do anything besides go to work and play video games?

Sometimes he goes for a walk around the block with me.

Sparrow- sorry if I’ve missed the answer to this- but how do you communicate day to day? When he gave you beans did you say thank you? Or ‘is this all I’m having?’ Or ‘I’d like a proper dinner’ beforehand?

Stop doing all the shopping and all the carrying off heavy bags.
Don’t show any initiative. Look after yourself, but your own food develope your own hobbies,.
Your worried about a row. Don’t be, he’s pissing you off, I’m not the sensitive tactful type anyway.
Tell him to ship up or ship out!!
Does he make an effort when he wants sex?

This is a DP rather than a DH and you have no DC?

Bin the lazy article. Can you imagine him gaming while you deal with everything in the house AND DC?

Really why would you put up with this when you’re not even married?

OP there is a post on here somewhere where the OP is currently pregnant with her second child. Her DP or DH spends every waking minute gaming.
They can barely leave the house without having to rush back. She is under the impression that he might get better when the baby arrives?! There is a lot more detail in her post than giving but it makes for shocking reading.
She does everything for that family.
Do you want that to be you?

Scarydinosaurs

He didn't actually make me dinner, he said he was making beans on toast for dinner for myself and did I want any?

He came home from work and tidied up uncharacteristically, so he knew I was upset. I told him we need to go back to taking it in turns to cook. He said fine, then immediately defended himself saying he offered me dinner.

I didn't have the energy to argue that beans on toast is not dinner.

Didn't talk about me feeling like an unappreciated donkey.

Yes, you definitely need to discuss it, if you feel there is anything to salvage in the relationship. Personally, I would be making plans to get out.
Ask yourself, what am I getting from this? And to be honest, it doesn't sound like there is much. Maybe he would get a wake up call if you spelled out exactly how you feel. I'm not sure about that though.

...doesn't sound like very much.

I wonder if from his POV all this is a shock because you’ve not let him know you’re not happy before?

I don’t blame you for feeling unhappy either- I’d feel so unfulfilled with a disinterested partner.

Do you think from his perspective you’ve been happy so far? Has he just been wilfully ignoring your feelings/responses?

Your refusing to have a conversation with your partner about why you are unhappy yet are happy to come on here and slate him!

Grow up, have a conversation with your partner. Yes it's that easy. Unless your scared then you have bigger issues then whose making dinner.

He's shown you who he is. You sound lovely and deserving of better. Thankfully you don't have children so separating should be relatively uncomplicated.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings
Such a good post.
Just get rid. He either doesn’t care or thinks he’s doing nothing wrong. Either way not attractive.

I know this is part of a much bigger picture of dissatisfaction, but surely I can’t be the only one who thinks beans on toast is a perfectly adequate evening meal? Food doesn’t have to be fancy or take ages to be good/nutritional/satisfying.

@AmeliaTaylor - no actually beans on toast isn’t a nutritionally balanced meal. Since you asked.

And yes, you are missing the point of the thread.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings is right on the nail. Listen to her OP.

Dump him. He wont change. Yoi are just delaying the inevitable.

There's no point in having a conversation with him. He's got comfy in the relationship and reverted to being the lazy child he was when you met him. He no longer thinks he needs to make an effort for you or to care about you. He doesn't care that you've had a long day at work. He doesn't care that you're lonely. He doesn't care that you're carrying huge bags of shopping to make him delicious dinners and scrubbing the toilet and changing the sheets. He. Doesn't. Care.

End things now and find yourself a relationship with someone who counts his blessings every day that he's your boyfriend.

And what GrabtharsHammerWhatASavings wrote.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied.

I suppose you should give him the chance to sort himself out. You just need to point out that he needs to do half the house stuff and see what happens. Also that you miss spending time with him.

If he doesn’t want to spend time with you though, I’m not sure there’s much point making him.

Why should she give him a chance? He's an adult. He shouldn't need to be told to behave like one.

God the infantilising women do around men does my head in.

He sounds like a man child. I agree he needs to step up and stop with so much gaming. Gaming is fine but it shouldn’t take up all his time, at the detriment of your relationship.

On another note, nothing wrong with beans on toast for dinner occasionally.