How to reconcile relationship with my mum

[peanutbutter00]

Hi everyone, I hope you can offer some ideas as to how to reconcile my relationship with my mum.

I am lucky that I have had a stable and loving home life, but have always clashed with my mum. She often disregards my feelings and tells me how I feel and that she knows 'because I'm your mum'. I'm in my late 20's so it is very infantilising to be told I don't know my own thoughts or feelings. This is a separate problem in itself but the main problem is this:

I have decided I don't want children. I understand this is not what would be considered 'the norm' but I feel it is the best and right path for myself. My mum knows this. At first she did not accept it, saying 'I would change my mind' that I should 'grow up and stop avoiding my responsibilities', she has also gone so far as to say I'm selfish. I don't quite agree, I've taken a long time to really consider this issue, looking at all the ways my life would change, and have decided it is not for me. I'm a teacher so I feel very fulfilled by that and think it is something positive I can do in my life to be socially responsible as well as having a career I enjoy. I am close to my friends children and enjoy being their 'Auntie' but I also love to go home to my own quiet space too. I don't think it would be fair to create a life that isn't wanted, I'm sure I would love my child and care for them as best as I could but I believe I would be unhappy.

My mum is beginning to accept my decision but she does still engage in arguments where she tries to change my mind. This is tiring and she is angry and sad that she won't be a grandma as I'm an only child. I recognise it is her right to be upset about this and I am sorry that I can't give her what she wants, but I can't have a child just so she can be a grandma it would be irresponsible and unfair. She is making me feel guilty, saying I've taken something away from her. To be honest I feel like all my achievements now mean nothing to her. I have a stable job, good friends, I feel I am a decent person and try to see the best in people. But I think I have disappointing her massively.

Do you have any ideas for how I can approach this with her? I know it will take a long time for her to accept this and I am deeply sorry I am making her unhappy but I want to find a way we can get along better.

I have no idea how you can get your Mum to accept that you will not be having children and I think it is unfair of her to put pressure on you to live a life you do not want .
If you were my daughter I would be proud of you , your career choice , your principled lifestyle and I would be impressed by all your achievements .
It's such an emotive subject ; it might sound dismissive of her distress to suggest she explore the possibility of sponsoring or 'adopting' a vulnerable little girl in a developing country but maybe that's the way she could go .
If you had fertility issues she would have to come to terms with it .
Keep strong

She chose to have one child. That was her choice to make.

You are choosing to have no children. That is your choice to make, just as it was her choice to have one, risking that her one child either couldn't, or wouldn't have children.

You do not 'owe' her grandchildren. She needs to grieve what she considers her loss, and move on, lest she irreparably damage the relationship with her sole child.

(I have two daughters. One is lesbian, one is bi-sexual. One damned near breaks out in hives around small children and babies, the other loves them, but is not certain that motherhood is for her. All I ask is that they only have children if they really, really, really want them, and can provide for them, financially, physically and emotionally. No one should have children, in my opinion, if these pre-conditions are not met, at least initially, though of course nobody has a crystal ball, and once you've had them, if things go tits up, you can't exactly hand or stuff them back. . .)

@Cagedbirdsinging thanks for your reply and kind words. I have suggested the idea of getting involved with young children through sponsorship/volunteering/fostering etc but she says she just wants the 'nice bits' of being a grandparent. And she only wants them to be her own! I did say what if I was infertile and adopted but she didn't seem to have an answer for that.

@mbosnz thank you for the reply. I can only say I'm a bit jealous of your children and the accepting attitude you have towards them! I hope with time she can accept it.

I hope she can too. By whatever age she has reached, she should have surely learned that 'wanting isn't the same as getting'.

Basically, if she's not careful, her choices might come down to, no grandchild/ren, or no grandchild/ren and so positive relationship with her only daughter. Surely the former is preferable to the latter?

We don't have a God-given right to grandchildren, or even the expectation of grandchildren. Our offsprings' reproductive rights and choices are entirely theirs to make and to own, and for us to respect.

The only person I know in real life to say people who choose not to have children are selfish is my own mother who was catastrophically let down by her own mother and utterly overburdened by motherhood.

@ChateauMargaux unfortunately I've heard it from a few people now. I'm sorry to hear your mother has this opinion too.

Same. I'm 36, no interest in having children whatsoever.

My mum is devastated and makes it known.

So sorry to hear that @RockKnobster has anything helped your relationship? Or is it a recent discussion you've had?

Your DM is the one being selfish here. Actually, selfish is far too kind a word to describe her behaviour.

I wonder why she thinks it is acceptable to try and bully someone into having a child they do not want, let alone to insist a child is created solely to suit her wish to be a grandmother? Just who does she think she is?

You say you are deeply sorry you are making her unhappy... only you aren't making her unhappy. She is making herself unhappy, and hurting you. I would be disappointed in her as a parent and if she continued to try to bully me this way I would tell her so, very, very bluntly.

She's pretty much the same as yours, always told me that I'd change my mind, and insisted I was a silly immature girl, and I'd definitely change my mind. I'm an only child too.

I've never changed my mind. I think she's kind of accepted it, but I think she's deeply disappointed in me and feels I've let her down - like I was a waste of time or something.

It's shit, but there you go. I think she's actually quite ashamed of me, when other women her age are all talking about grandchildren.

As a woman who never wanted a child, I found putting across my reasons and rational was pointless and actually counter productive. It just seemed a red rag to a bull for some family members. In the end instead of "arguing" back it was just easier to say "yeah maybe you're right, I might change my mind" or "I'll rethink in 5 years" etc. Got them off my back for years. Once I got older and they couldn't throw that you'll change your mind when you older argument at me, I came up with platitudes "when the time is right I'll rethink" etc.

I think arguing made it a huge focus for them - like they couldn't stop 'panicking' about it. They felt compelled to change my mind or get me to admit i was lying to myself. While I felt like I had the right to defend my decision, it just wasn't worth the arguments. It didn't matter if they thought they'd 'won' cos I knew it wasn't going to happen anyway.

By 35 they'd kind of accepted it. Then it turned out i was basically infertile anyway (would have needed ivf to conceive) so finding that out really got them to back off. (Although their pity was irritating! And obviously misplaced.) Maybe drop in a few vague comments about 'problems' would help?

But then I wasn't an only child (1 sister) so I wasn't their only hope of 'immortality'.

To be fair to your mum, I think it's perfectly natural to hope for grandchildren. I would be very upset to think I wasn't going to have that. I've seen other people get so much pleasure from their grandchildren and I know I appreciated my own grandparents.

Having said that, obviously it's your choice. You are still in your 20s and I know I didn't feel that primeval urge to have children until I was over 30 - I found it overwhelming. But let's assume you never want children, then I think you should be generous enough to your mum to understand that she feels a loss.

I agree with the PP who said you should just say "Maybe I'll feel differently later but I'm far from that now" and buy yourself a few years.

I wonder why you made this an 'issue' to discuss with your mother? You have made a point of saying it to her. It has been used a feature in your communication for some reason.
There was another route whereby you didn't need to say it to your mother. Do any of these things strike you:
Is there a part of you that is very angry with your mother but you cannot really express that to her.
There's a child part of you that feels ignored, dismissed and that she has not really 'got' you.
You are already jealous of the love your mother has for another child that is not you. You will deny her that opportunity.

I wouldn't tell my mother if I didn't want children (I did but there are other things I don't tell her due to drama that is created)

I would be vague.. very vague. Don't give her ammunition.

Thank you for all your replies I appreciate it.

@Iwalkinmyclothing I have told her the way she talks to me upsets me but she does justify it by saying she's 'allowed to talk like that because I'm your mum'

@RockKnobster yes it's hard to be so dismissed about something that you've given a lot of thought to.

@Thingsdogetbetter thank you, I hadn't considered giving her a more vague answer to her questioning. I'll try this approach slowly and see if it appeases her for now.

@HollowTalk thank you for your reply, I do completely understand it's a natural thing to want in life and this is why I agonised over my decision so much as I know it affects her too. I do understand that she feels a loss, I'm not looking for her to suddenly get over this, I was asking for suggestions as to how to foster a better relationship for now. But yes the more vague approach may help.

@Seaweed42 Thank you for your perspective, it wasn't something I went to my mum with, she has asked a lot about what I see myself doing in the future (e.g. children, marriage, where to live, career progression etc) as she likes to know other people's plans. At first I kept it vague and like I was not considering children now but was against having them now. This sparked a lot of her questioning and probing about why I wasn't enthusiastic etc. So I told her some of the reasons it isn't appealing to me. She stewed on it and blew up at me saying 'I was saying this to spite her' and then I did admit that I didn't see children in my future. I guess this was a mistake but I can't take that back unfortunately, so now I am looking at what I can going forward.

I don't feel angry that she is upset and angry that she won't be a grandparent but I do feel angry that she dismisses my thoughts on my own life plans. I wouldn't say I feel that I'm jealous of 'another child' in fact I feel quite smothered by her sometimes and don't seek a closer relationship than we have, just to fix the hurt that has occurred now. Unfortunately it is not a given that everyone will have grandchildren, it is likely for most people, and as I've said I feel very sad that I am the only way she can have grandchildren but I can't make life choices solely for her.

@Littleshortcake I'm sorry the hear there has been some drama. I think my mistake was telling her when she pressed me on it, going forward I think I will have to adapt a vaguer approach to conversations on this topic

You have made your decision
I wouldn’t mention it again. If she mentions it I’d be vague and offhand

OP,

Your mum has too much information.

I think she is being very unfair being unkind, but not to be disappointed.

Perhaps you should get her off your back with platitudes.

But also I would keep your own counsel more too.

The fact that she thinks it's appropriate to tell you your business and how you feel must be very irritating.

Perhaps spend less time with her and it might help her develop some respect for your life choices.

You sound like a lovely your woman.

I think that mothers who bang on about how other women should have children are deeply envious of any woman who chooses not to burden herself with procreation.

Having kids is a life-buggering event for many women and motherhood ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Just to say, I consider having children to have been the single most selfish thing I have ever done in my life. I simply cannot grasp why anyone would think there was anything unselfish about it. I did it because I wanted to.

I have never understood why anyone's womb is considered to owe the world or anyone in it, children, why it is the 'unselfish' thing to do. Makes no sense. Genuininely, it completely baffles me.

@Heatherjayne1972 I think I will have to take this approach in future

@billy1966 she has always been overly interested in people's personal matters and has especially pushed for information about my life and choices, I have (mistakenly) given too much information I think. Thanks for commenting. I'll go with the platitudes for now and try not to let myself get irritated by her.

@DeeplyMovingExperience yes I do wish it were a more acceptable path to take, hopefully with time it will be!

Just learn a load of distractions phrases. You can't make her understand something that really goes contrary to her values. All you can do is fend her off every time it comes up. Change the subject, brush it off.

...and honestly - I do sometimes regret it - not least because of the fact I have brought them into a world facing a climate crisis, one that I already knew about before I had them. Now that was selfish.

But yes, I would definitely back off from sharing this kind of information too intimately with your mum, as she makes it about her, and it leaves you both unsatisfied. I would feel very intruded upon by that level of questioning and judgement form anyone, mother , husband, friend - anyone really.

@picklemewalnuts thanks I think this might be the right approach going forward as many have said

@candycane222 I'm sorry to hear that, it must be a very difficult feeling to reconcile. I don't think the 'selfish' argument holds much weight for having or not having kids. We make our own decisions for our life paths and they are both valid choices, they both start with 'I...' as do many of our decisions.
It does seem to be a case of the more info I give, the more she wants, she has done it in the past with partners asking probing questions about our relationship. Thanks for giving your perspective I appreciate it

Good point peanut, you take a very balanced view I think