How to reconcile relationship with my mum

[peanutbutter00]

Hi everyone, I hope you can offer some ideas as to how to reconcile my relationship with my mum.

I am lucky that I have had a stable and loving home life, but have always clashed with my mum. She often disregards my feelings and tells me how I feel and that she knows 'because I'm your mum'. I'm in my late 20's so it is very infantilising to be told I don't know my own thoughts or feelings. This is a separate problem in itself but the main problem is this:

I have decided I don't want children. I understand this is not what would be considered 'the norm' but I feel it is the best and right path for myself. My mum knows this. At first she did not accept it, saying 'I would change my mind' that I should 'grow up and stop avoiding my responsibilities', she has also gone so far as to say I'm selfish. I don't quite agree, I've taken a long time to really consider this issue, looking at all the ways my life would change, and have decided it is not for me. I'm a teacher so I feel very fulfilled by that and think it is something positive I can do in my life to be socially responsible as well as having a career I enjoy. I am close to my friends children and enjoy being their 'Auntie' but I also love to go home to my own quiet space too. I don't think it would be fair to create a life that isn't wanted, I'm sure I would love my child and care for them as best as I could but I believe I would be unhappy.

My mum is beginning to accept my decision but she does still engage in arguments where she tries to change my mind. This is tiring and she is angry and sad that she won't be a grandma as I'm an only child. I recognise it is her right to be upset about this and I am sorry that I can't give her what she wants, but I can't have a child just so she can be a grandma it would be irresponsible and unfair. She is making me feel guilty, saying I've taken something away from her. To be honest I feel like all my achievements now mean nothing to her. I have a stable job, good friends, I feel I am a decent person and try to see the best in people. But I think I have disappointing her massively.

Do you have any ideas for how I can approach this with her? I know it will take a long time for her to accept this and I am deeply sorry I am making her unhappy but I want to find a way we can get along better.

I had dc. My dm still wasn't happy...
Your life op. Your choices. Send her links to a cat rescue if she needs something to fuss over..
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OP, your mother is unhealthily over invested in your life, she is controlling and self centred. She is making everything about her, not you.
You correctly noted that her behaviour is infantilising you.
You have been groomed to defer to her, your knee jerk response is to blurt out too much information whenever she demands it.
Can you not see that she is trampling your boundaries?
You are an adult professional, not a toddler.
You need to assert some strong adult boundaries with your mother and stop letting her walk all over you.
If she starts harping on the grandkids theme again, simply tell her that it’s your choice, and your life, not hers, and you are not discussing it any further. If she persists, hang up the phone or leave the room until she learns to respect you.

@Windyatthebeach sorry to hear about your mum. Haha she does have a cat which she adores, I hope she can find distraction in something.

@Babdoc thanks for the detailed reply, yes I have enabled this behaviour so I need to set some tougher boundaries. She has always been bad with boundaries, I think I'm still a little girl in her mind and it's up to her to speak for me and tell me what's best. Time for me to be firm with her definitely.

OP, I hope you didn’t think I was blaming you for your mother’s outrageous behaviour - it is entirely down to her. You have been indoctrinated from childhood to obey her and allow her to walk over you. But she will never change this - only you can redefine the boundaries and enforce them. It is very hard work at first, and emotionally exhausting, but it will get easier as your confidence increases - along with your self respect, and the wonderful empowerment of at last being able to insist that she treats you as the adult that you now are!
One caveat - if your mother is actually a narcissist or has a personality disorder, she may be incapable of change, and your only option then would be to cut contact. But again, the power of decision is yours. Good luck!

Another option is to just cut discussions short with a few stock phrases such as I don’t want to talk about this now or I’ve said my thing, it’s time to stop now Or even If you keep hassling me, it’s getting too tiring to see you. I think I would just have to grey rock any discussions.

I’m late 40s, teacher, only child and single. I have never felt maternal. I deal with other people’s children all day. I don’t want to come home to ones of my own. I have cats who fill cuddle holes. My parents have never mentioned it, neither have family. I have no idea how they feel but they would be doting grandparents and would love to have one but they’ve never voiced it.

I am so sorry to read about your conflict with your mother. I have adult children and deliberately rarely talk about them having children. I consider it to be their business and none of mine.

Many of my friends and acquaintences are becoming grandparents and I do notice they become a little obsessive, particularly those who have little else in their life. They seem to be bored with their husbands, are retired, and looking for something to focus on. Their grandchildren do become their life, and they can get rather tedious about it.

I wish I had more good advice than that you have already had. I spent 12 years batting away comments such as 'well you can't play football with a house '. Yep that was my dad, we did tend to work our way up the housing ladder (but this was the 80s). All in good time, i suppose is one of the better non-statements...

I’ve a lot of friends who are in exactly your position (even one gay friend whose mother stormed out of a restaurant because she happened to mention that her and her wife did not think they would have children).

With me it’s the opposite! I had two children in my twenties (decent job and marriage) and my mother was against it from the start. Her and her partner tried to bully me into having an abortion (over 14 years ago now), they tried to guilt me by saying it was terrible of me to want to bring a child into this awful world.... then tried to scupper me by making me pay towards her expenses which I did for years (almost like maintenance but from daughter to mother. She was working full time and earning 20k so should not have needed to take money from me). No one came to see me in the hospital when my first child was born. Any time we asked for babysitting she would call after we had been gone an hour to come and get the baby. Then when I announced we were having a second child she was dead against that (I am an only child so why was I not satisfied with just one?)

She improved a bit as they got older but whenever I would give a chance to be a good grandmother it would always get spoilt. Like my daughter’s 4th birthday party where her partner spent the whole time walking right up to the mermaid entertainer and looking her body up and down, sleazing and perving while all the guest parents looked on in shock!

I know I’ve made them sound like mentally unwell people but to others they present as perfectly kind and normal types. It is just supreme levels of control over me. It’s like my mother thinks I am part of her therefore I must do as she likes.

Basically what I am trying to say is that it’s not you... it’s her!

@Babdoc not at all, thank you for the responses. I do suspect there may be an element of narcissism - I'm not qualified to judge that but some tell tale signs - she cannot accept criticism even a small comment, she replies with tit for tat 'you did X three weeks ago' or 'but I'm your mum' to justify behaviour even when I tell her it hurts or upsets me. Very frustrating. I will think on how much contact to have in the future.

@LittleMissnotLittleMrs yes this seems to be the least inflammatory approach at the moment. So pleased you've found the right path for yourself :) I'm not sure how a lot of teachers do it with kids too, must be very dififcult!

@Carolamc you sound like a wonderful mum, I do wish mine took the same view as you. It is a little disconcerting to see that they have no other interests or hobbies. Yes time will only have a good effect on the situation I suppose.

@TubeIsland thank you for the detailed response. Wow your friend's mum had quite a reaction I'd be very embarrassed! So sorry to hear the lack of support you had, I can't imagine how lonely that must have felt especially after giving birth. Some people are never satisfied are they?

That comment about them being seen as mentally unwell really resonates with me, a lot of people think I have an ideal family life but under the surface there are problems like the ones you describe. As I said above I do suspect some elements of narcissism I feel like she views me as a 'mini-me' an extension of herself than being my own separate person. A small example is she seems miffed when I tell her my opinion on something and will say 'you never used to think that'.

Sorry the 'some people are never satisfied' refers to your mum not being happy with the decision to have a second child, not your struggles with it. I didn't want that to come across wrong!

It's not her fault if she's upset, but it is most definitely her fault if you are upset as a result.

Sounds if anything as if you do already have a child on your hands!

Wow. My word, she is being ridiculous.

She can feel upset, of course, but surely she sees the irony in wanting you to have a baby that you don't want just so that she can experience 'the good bits' of being a grandparent, and then calling you selfish!

It's like nagging you to buy a Ferrari just so that she can come round and admire it, and then saying you've taken her Ferrari when you say you don't want one.

I honestly think she needs to grow up, not you.

You are operating in the FOG.

Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

Don't try to change how she treats you. She won't change.

Change how you take it, i.e. don't. You can point blank refuse to talk. You can hang up. You can decide not to call her today.

Thanks again everyone for all your advice and comments. Just a bit of an update:

I stopped engaging in any discussion about having children, I changed the subject or said I don't want to talk about this. Following this she has become more and more agitated with me when having totally unrelated conversation (e.g. what we have been watching on netflix, recipes we have been trying etc) and has become quite negative and snappy. It got worse and worse so I did ask yesterday 'is everything alright?' and she exploded.

She said she can't accept my decision, that she went through the hard part of raising me and giving up her work so grandchildren should be her reward, that I'm taking that away from her. She said it's 'not fair' that I won't have to go through the struggles she had as a parent and that I'm selfish for not doing it like she did.

I shut the conversation down but it is wearing me down. I'm going to keep disengaging from the kids conversation with the hope that in time things will get better. If they don't I think I'll have to reduce contact which I feel bad for but her comments are really preying on my mind at the moment. So I haven't really made much progress with this problem, but I'll keep trying.

That is disturbing. She does not care about what you want or about the life her grandchild would have.

Why are you staying as engaged as you are right now? It does not seem to be good for the mental health of either of you.

I'd be tempted to say "Well, you wanted to have me, and you describe it as a horrible slog that ruined your life - if I don't even want a child, surely that will make me even more bitter than you if I have one".

I don't understand her logic at all; do you?

Did she want to go back to work? Why didn't it work out?

She is being a child so treat her like one. Tell her when she's ready to have a pleasant, civil relationship with you without having a strop about things she has no say in, then she can let you know.