Sorry this could be long.
I've been with my partner for almost 19 years, we have 2 dcs together aged 16 and 13. I also have 3 adult children from a previous relationship. I am unsure if my partners behaviour could be classed as abuse or not. When he was about 21 he had a head injury that left him with some issues. He has a bad memory and is always losing things which I think is related to the injury, he also has a very quick temper. For the most part he can be a lovely, considerate man but there is another side to him. Of course, I'm considered a nag and this is usually if I'm asking him to get stuff done that he's meant to be doing. He will flare up and start raising his voice. I try to keep things calm so that the kids don't hear but sometimes they do.
This is a list of some of the things that have happened over the years.
He has punched/kicked holes in walls
Thrown things around in the house
Called me names, told me to fuck off (I've asked him many times not to say that to me as I find it disrespectful) he still does it regardless.
If we have a disagreement in the car he speeds up
If he loses something he always accuses me of having moved it
I suffer from anxiety and depression and makes me feel worse when I am having a bad spell, it's like he knows that I'm weaker when I feel really low
He has hit me once, about 6 years ago. He kicked me in the side a number of times and left me bruised. I can't forget that he did this to me and feel embarrassed and ashamed. I think he thinks "I should get over it"
He often doubts what I say or tells me that I didn't say what I have said to him. He says things like "it must have been someone else you said that too, it wasn't me" It makes me doubt myself.
I do retaliate in arguments and will say some mean things and call him names but this is only after he has said hurtful things to me. I'm also ashamed to admit that I've lashed out at him in the past, I know how wrong that is but I get so angry and upset at the things he does. I know I can't carry on like this anymore, I am desperately unhappy. He owns our house so I would have to leave with kids and find somewhere else. I'm 53 years old and the thought of starting all over again terrifies me. I only work 18 hours a week so not sure how I would cope financially.
He likes to drink and when he's had a drink his behaviour is worse than ever, he really doesn't care what he says or does. He drinks on average about 3/4 times a week, usually a bottle of wine. He had one tonight and didn't finish it until after midnight, he leaves the house at 7.30 in the morning to go to work. He must still be over the limit at that time.
Don't really know what anyone can say but I had to get it all down.