Is this abuse?

[Kaylasmum53]

Sorry this could be long.

I've been with my partner for almost 19 years, we have 2 dcs together aged 16 and 13. I also have 3 adult children from a previous relationship. I am unsure if my partners behaviour could be classed as abuse or not. When he was about 21 he had a head injury that left him with some issues. He has a bad memory and is always losing things which I think is related to the injury, he also has a very quick temper. For the most part he can be a lovely, considerate man but there is another side to him. Of course, I'm considered a nag and this is usually if I'm asking him to get stuff done that he's meant to be doing. He will flare up and start raising his voice. I try to keep things calm so that the kids don't hear but sometimes they do.

This is a list of some of the things that have happened over the years.

He has punched/kicked holes in walls
Thrown things around in the house
Called me names, told me to fuck off (I've asked him many times not to say that to me as I find it disrespectful) he still does it regardless.
If we have a disagreement in the car he speeds up
If he loses something he always accuses me of having moved it
I suffer from anxiety and depression and makes me feel worse when I am having a bad spell, it's like he knows that I'm weaker when I feel really low
He has hit me once, about 6 years ago. He kicked me in the side a number of times and left me bruised. I can't forget that he did this to me and feel embarrassed and ashamed. I think he thinks "I should get over it"
He often doubts what I say or tells me that I didn't say what I have said to him. He says things like "it must have been someone else you said that too, it wasn't me" It makes me doubt myself.

I do retaliate in arguments and will say some mean things and call him names but this is only after he has said hurtful things to me. I'm also ashamed to admit that I've lashed out at him in the past, I know how wrong that is but I get so angry and upset at the things he does. I know I can't carry on like this anymore, I am desperately unhappy. He owns our house so I would have to leave with kids and find somewhere else. I'm 53 years old and the thought of starting all over again terrifies me. I only work 18 hours a week so not sure how I would cope financially.

He likes to drink and when he's had a drink his behaviour is worse than ever, he really doesn't care what he says or does. He drinks on average about 3/4 times a week, usually a bottle of wine. He had one tonight and didn't finish it until after midnight, he leaves the house at 7.30 in the morning to go to work. He must still be over the limit at that time.

Don't really know what anyone can say but I had to get it all down.

He's a disgrace, not a man.

Another guy I'd love to jump into a boxing ring with.

You'll be a different person when you leave him. Best of luck.

I'm starting to feel sorry for him, maybe I pushed him too far. I think I have a tendency to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm not saying his violent behaviour is ok but I'm far from perfect, I do nag and I have been off with him a lot recently and can be mean and nasty to him when he starts having a go at me. I'm still not sure that he's an abusive man.

He is definitely abusive
Please don't think of going back to him

"I'm starting to feel sorry for him, maybe I pushed him too far. I think I have a tendency to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm not saying his violent behaviour is ok but I'm far from perfect, I do nag and I have been off with him a lot recently and can be mean and nasty to him when he starts having a go at me. I'm still not sure that he's an abusive man".

You're 53; what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mother treated like this?.

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical in nature; there are many different types.

He has shown no remorse whatsoever towards what he has done to you and your children. He really does deserve no consideration from you now. I would also think that since the day he thankfully left, your household is a lot calmer and far less chaotic and with no chicken being thrown onto the floor either.

Do not make excuses for him here; his actions towards you were a choice and he chose to be violent and otherwise abusive towards you. You were right to get this man out of your day to day life and you reacted in response to his starting on you.

Have a look again at the photos you yourself posted, that is what he did of his own free will. You are not responsible for his actions here and never have been; he did that.

I really don't know what to tell you except, you should never feel scared in your own home. Your partner should be there to protect and love you and not to make you afraid.
I am in my fifties and I can only imagine how frightening it would be to start over again, but it wouldn't be anymore frightening than living with an abusive partner.
Good luck to you. I wish you strength to make the right decision.

Please don’t feel sorry for him.

If you don’t want to label him as an abusive man, at least accept that his behaviour is abusive.

You do not drive him to throwing things or kicking you by being a nag. That’s called victim blaming.

He willingly took yours and your son’s dinner and ruined it because he was having a toddler tantrum.

But worse than that, as he was doing it, he will have known that you felt helpless to stop him. He was exerting his power and control over you. It wasn’t about a chicken. It was a case of “I’m going to make a huge mess, spoil your dinner plan and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. This is what you get when you question me”

You’re already trained by him to think that you did this. That if only you’d been quieter or politer or asked in a different tone of voice, he wouldn’t have done it. He would. Because he’s a bully. And he’ll be teaching your DS to be a bully in the process. DS will see who has the power in this house - who gets his own way and who does the donkey work.

Who cleared up the mess btw?

Oh OP,

Your poor children must be in hell living amidst such violence.

This is so dreadful.

Please protect your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat my parents relationship was bad but not violent, they argued a lot. My mum was 20 years younger than my dad and she used to go out drinking and didn't come home until the morning, I know she was cheating on my dad. He used to lock her out when she stayed out and me and my older sister would go downstairs and let her in. Eventually they split up when I was about ten, it broke my heart. We stayed with my dad because tbh he was a better parent, my mum didn't want to sacrifice anything for us.

I know my partners behaviour is inexcusable but I'm not blameless, I think I'm a nightmare to live with because of my insecurities, health anxiety/depression and the fact that I've been going through the menopause and I can be really off with him at times. I think I'm neurotic, my dad used to say that to me sometimes.

MarkRuffaloCrumble I honestly don't think when he was pulling the chicken out of the oven that he was thinking much, it was like a pure anger reaction to me saying he could get his own dinner. My problem is that when we argue I won't back down I just keep going until he explodes, so it is partly my fault. He works on an estate about 10 miles away and there is an empty lodge house there that I think he will be able to stay in but it's unfurnished, I feel guilty about that.

Oh and my partner cleared up the mess but didn't do a very good job of it. After it happened and things calmed down a bit we agreed that we would give it 2 weeks to see if we could make it work. A while after I asked him if he could clean up what was left of the mess, he said he had things to do in the garden first. He's building a bike shed thing, I said ok and he said he'd come in about 10 to finish cleaning up. At about half 10 I wet out and asked him when he was going to clean up he said when he was finished painting, and I said to him, so is that more important than cleaning up the mess you've made and he said yes it is. I realised then that he felt no remorse for what he had done.

Hi OP

I think I'm a nightmare to live with because of my insecurities, health anxiety/depression and the fact that I've been going through the menopause and I can be really off with him at times. I think I'm neurotic, my dad used to say that to me sometimes.

The reason you have insecurities will be a combination of how you grew up + how you live now. So he makes you insecure. Anyone would be insecure when they don't know if their dinner is going to be thrown on the ground at any moment.
Your depression will be impacted by living with him because he is abusive.
Many men live with menopausal women and don't behave the way he does, why do you think that is? Because they aren't abusive.
You think you're neurotic because you've been told to think that by your upbringing and current living circumstances. Anyone would be neurotic in this situation.

Please talk to someone about what is happening to you. Violence and verbal abuse is unacceptable.

I'm starting to feel sorry for him, maybe I pushed him too far. I think I have a tendency to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm not saying his violent behaviour is ok but I'm far from perfect, I do nag and I have been off with him a lot recently and can be mean and nasty to him when he starts having a go at me. I'm still not sure that he's an abusive man.

I see this man has conditioned you well over the years. If your daughter was in such a situation, would you think she deserved being treated like an emotional and physical punchbag because she nagged her partner, or verbally retaliated.

I'm sure you've already been directed to the Freedom Program, outofthefog.website will help you realise this situation is entirely of your partners making, and the children will be learning about relationships from you both.

Your partner is a deeply abusive man.

He is very, very abusive op.

Please do whatever it takes to get yourself and your kids away from this monster.

Sounds similar to my EX, always misplacing things and telling me I must have moved them, gaslighting, throwing food around and making a huge mess and not clearing it up, drinking, etc he even had the head injury, but he is an EX and I had the support of woman's aid and met others there in a similar position

so is that more important than cleaning up the mess you've made and he said yes it is. I realised then that he felt no remorse for what he had done

This is great clarity, priceless for you to be able to see exactly how not sorry he was.

My partner came home from work on Monday and asked if we could have a 2 week trial and that he would stop drinking and I agreed but I'm not sure that I should have. I can't tell if he's remorseful for his behaviour or not. I don't want to mess the kids about but I dont know what to do.

I know it’s tempting but really, there’s no way he’s changed his whole outlook in a week. If he’d gone away for 6 months, done some work on himself, stopped drinking etc and then come back and declared himself better, I’d still be cynical tbh. But right now it just smacks of convenience - and the cycle starts again.

Listen, let's say this thread is written by your sister, or even your mum, what would your advice be for them if they reached out to you? You lashing out as well is you retaliating, abuse wears your defense mekanism down, it grinds you into am individual you no longer recognise.

Womans aid is for everyone, including you, they won't turn you away because you don't have a bruised arm, or a black eye. Abuse comes in many ways, and you need help here, they get all sort of calls throughout the day, and they know where to guide you. Call your local womans aid, sometimes they have resources that may suit your needs. Your son may be anxious due to the home front being so unsafe, unpredictable and ypu need to give him, and your other children may well be feeling anxious too. Let go of I can't, and bring out the I Can. This relationship won't get better. No matter how much anger management you throw at someone. I am sure he isn't so angry at his boss..