Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Partner not gambling again but....

28 replies

Whaleandthesnail · 17/05/2020 23:34

So my DH has, in the past, had an issue with online gambling. Running up debt without telling me etc. Happened countless times. About a year ago i finally hit my end point after he gambled AGAIN despite promising not to. He eventually got some counselling and hasn't gambled for over a year.

I've just checked his online banking (he knows I have access to it, I don't check it constantly but do from time to time mainly to put my mind at rest that he is not gambling any more). Anyway i can see multiple transactions coming out of his account since around the time lockdown started for £6.99 through Apple in app purchases. I'm 99% sure he isn't gambling again but I think he is playing one of those candy crush type games and buying sets of lives (or whatever they are called). He's spent over £100 in the past 4 weeks. We can afford it, but for me I'm thinking this means his gambling addiction is still there. Yes, he isn't gambling for money but he js playing an online game and spending unnecessarily on it.

Can I get a bit of perspective please before I speak to him about it? I feel this is about as close to online gambling you can get, without actually gambling, so feel let down. But on the other hand, maybe it isn't a big deal. I'd be interested to know if I'm within my rights to feel upset about this.

OP posts:

sociallydistained · 17/05/2020 23:38

£100 on an app. Yes he still has his problem. It will probably escalate again unfortunately.

NoMoreDickheads · 18/05/2020 00:01

They say that an addiction isn't something you really stop having. You have to keep an eye on it. I find it's all too easy to spend money on online games!

I wouldn't express it angrily maybe, just say you're concerned?

Original poster

Whaleandthesnail · 18/05/2020 06:35

I'm just so tired of it. He won't think this is a big deal but I do.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 18/05/2020 07:10

I'm just so tired of it. He won't think this is a big deal but I do.

And so the merry go round continues.

This is who he is, accept it or move on.

category12 · 18/05/2020 07:54

If he was honest and self-aware about it, he'd admit it's part of the gambling addiction - the thin end of the wedge. The fact you expect that he'll bluster and minimise shows he hasn't really got a grip on it, still doing the addict thing.

LIZS · 18/05/2020 08:03

Of course he won't think it a big deal. " just" £100 now, £500 next, then £1000 ... When do you draw the line? He can't or won't.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2020 08:04

How many chances are you willing to give him ?

strawberry2017 · 18/05/2020 08:46

Replaced one habit with another.
Once an addict always an addict, if he refuses to recognise this then he is in no way in recovery.
At what point for you is it the final straw? You are going to have to make a decision at some point and be prepared to stick to it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2020 08:52

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You are as caught up in his gambling addiction almost as much as he is. Its affected you and is affecting you markedly. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

You need to get off the merry go around OP or he will further take you down with him into his pit. Ultimately you will need to walk away from him altogether; what you have tried to date has not and will not work.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 18/05/2020 09:07

I think $100 is a lot to spend on something that you never see or get and that has no use. Absolutely as close to gambling as you could be without actually gambling. Very difficult situation to navigate. Shows how those small amounts add up to become significant numbers.

Original poster

Whaleandthesnail · 18/05/2020 11:06

Thanks all. I just don't know where to go from here. I finally got to a place where i was feeling better about us and our future and then i feel this has put us right back. I'm being pathetic but I'm actually scared to raise this with him as i can't see there being a good outcome.

OP posts:

copycopypaste · 18/05/2020 11:15

He appears to have just swapped one addiction to another. This one might not have the stigma of gambling but will he seriously think spending 100 quid on games is acceptable? It depends on how m uh disposable income you have I guess.

Tbh that on its own wouldn't bother me too much but add it to his previous issues I'd be very very wary

Original poster

Whaleandthesnail · 18/05/2020 11:48

So I've just asked him. He said it's harmless, just lassing the time. If it's such a big deal he will delete the game. But he's insisting it's nothing like gambling.

I've said it is, and I'm gutted.

He thinks I am over reacting.

OP posts:

evieray · 18/05/2020 11:52

i hate so much when someone says that i'm overreacting.
you have a right to react thins way, considering his actions.
He can say it's ok, but you know that it's not, obviously.
I think if it is going to happen again without any changes, some measures should be taken, obviously.
Replacing one habit with another only if it is a healthy habit that doesn't trigger anything, though.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2020 12:03

The ball is in your court, love

Original poster

Whaleandthesnail · 18/05/2020 12:09

Fuck. I know. It's just.....so big. I never wanted our family to split up. But i also never wanted to be with someone i xannot fully trust.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 18/05/2020 12:48

Op you can’t keep expecting your H to be someone different. This is who he is.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2020 12:50

Trust is everything

If you don't have that, you have nothing

Original poster

Whaleandthesnail · 18/05/2020 18:36

He's angry with me for making this about his gambling. Aaaagh.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 18/05/2020 18:47

Look up those games. They trigger the same reward centres as other addictions like gambling. It's the same thing.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 18/05/2020 19:08

His problem has not gone away. Nor will it ever if he tries to argue his ‘case’ when caught.

You’ve given him chances. He is still spending family money - just now it is one he will never get any financial reward from. So pissing it away.

For me, he would have burned his bridges.

But nice that his take on it is to blame you for over-reacting.

My arse you are.

category12 · 18/05/2020 19:11

Does he have a sponsor or addiction counsellor? Perhaps if he's so convinced it's not problematic, he'd be happy to run the behaviour past them.

billy1966 · 18/05/2020 19:13

OP,
He is an addict.
It never goes away.
It is not a cold.
It is an addiction.

He is gambling again.
Feeding that need.

This is who he is.

For goodness sake, protect your finances and family.

There is never any certainty in life, when you live with an addict.

Be very careful that he doesn't take out further debt, against your home.

Protect yourself.

He is angry because he is an addict and in denial.

An awful life for you and your children.

AgentJohnson · 18/05/2020 19:48

He's angry with me for making this about his gambling.

He’s angry because you dared to call him out on his shit and he’d prefer you STFU.

RandomMess · 18/05/2020 19:50

You know you are right and so does he...

Flip

1 2