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Original poster

When you are in love with the wrong person

45 replies

JameyBan · 17/05/2020 19:58

Hi all, I could use a bit of advice and support tonight.

I have recently ended a relationship with someone whom I am deeply in love with, and who loves me back. However, he is not the right person for my on possibly every level, and I know that there is no future for me with him.

Walking away from him was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done, and I feel utterly distraught. I know it was the right decision, but God it hurts like hell.

How do you heal a broken heart in these circumstances? How do you move on when your brain rationally knows that it is for the best, but your heart would want nothing more than being with that person, who wants the same?

OP posts:
AramintaLee · 17/05/2020 20:04

I think we would need more specifics... why can't it possibly work if all you both want is to be together?

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 17/05/2020 20:07

Need more info OP - why can't it work out? Cultural differences? One wanted children and the other didn't?

Original poster
JameyBan · 17/05/2020 20:11
  • he is much older than me, divorced with kids and doesn't want anymore. I think I want kids one day.
  • he had loads of unresolved baggage with his ex wife and he is terrified of upsetting her in any shape or form, hence he does not feel free to really move on with his life.
  • he struggles with mental health and is not getting help for that.
  • he is unemployed and not looking for a job, and doesn't really have good prospects of finding secure employment. Nonetheless, he is terrible with money and spends a lot.
  • he uses cocaine and buys for himself and his friends before any big night out (every couple of months).

I am no perfect flower, but these issues have become a dealbreaker for me at some stage, so I had to walk.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 17/05/2020 20:18

You're right. He was a TERRIBLE choice on so many levels.

I know it hurts now, but it would have hurt a whole lot more a couple of years in the future, when you're pregnant with a baby he doesn't want and he's spending all your maternity allowance on coke binges and staying out all night, trying to recapture his lost youth.

Azadewow · 17/05/2020 20:26

Yikes definitely you took the right decision there to break it off.

Slowly the heart will heal, time is the only way to treat this really. Keep reminding yourself all the reasons you are unsuitable. Just imagine how much more heartbroken you would be if you had invested years and decades in this man, cause sooner or later things would go tits up. You deserve better x

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 17/05/2020 20:31

Blimey OP that is a fairly big list of red flags. You have done the right thing but nothing any of us will say will help the hurt that you are feeling. Heartbreak is horrid, but it will get easier in time.

PicsInRed · 17/05/2020 20:32

Well done on taking the hardest choice - but the one which gives you the best chance of a happy life. Do not look back.

It sounds cliched, but time really is the best healer in these situations. Live your life in the mean time and the pain with slowly fade until you will feel ready to move on. Again, well done you. 💐

moonmaya · 17/05/2020 20:35

You did the right thing and saved yourself from pain down the line.

I did the same and ended a relationship with a man based on red flags even though I was in love.

Regardless of how charming they are or the connection you have.
We have intuition/gut feelings for a reason. And they are NEVER WRONG.

There are billions of men. Your soulmate won't be unemployed wasting money on coke when he has children to care for.
You can meet a man who has his life together when he meets you.

Your feeling of disappointment will pass :)

Original poster
JameyBan · 17/05/2020 20:35

We were together for a year, because many of these red flags didn't emerge for a while.

The last straw was when I was spending the weekend at his place and he asked me to "hide" in his bedroom for 5 minutes while his dealer was coming around to give him the coke for a party with his friends. He said it was best if I had nothing to do with the dealer. I stayed there hiding in his bedroom thinking "WTF am I doing here?".

He is 45 Shock

OP posts:
AramintaLee · 17/05/2020 20:37

@JameyBan You've done the right thing. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up and prioritising to do.

I know this is massively cliche, but I've found that time really is the best healer. Every day it will hurt less and when you're ready and open... you'll meet someone else who is right for you.

Best of luck!

emmylousings · 17/05/2020 20:38

Sounds like you are sensible and know what's best for you. Good on you. Try to keep on that track. I think that when you are 'mourning' a relationship you do tend to romanticise it in your head, you can't help but think about the good bits and worry that you'll never get that with anyone else. I suppose it part of the process, but might help to be aware that is what is happening sometimes, and force yourself to remember the shitty bits, (As you did, in your post!)

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/05/2020 20:40

Btw, if he's Welsh and recently back from NZ, you might be dating my ex!

Original poster
JameyBan · 17/05/2020 20:41

Zaphod nope he is not, but it is concerning to hear that there are many other men like him!

OP posts:
Notmyrealname855 · 17/05/2020 20:42

Wowwwww terrible choice!! The cocaine buying?!? Shock No future with him - you’re probably more grieving the man you thought he might be

JungleJane11 · 17/05/2020 20:42

I think you can get over it by hearing from people like me, who stayed with the wrong person after seeing many, many red flags in the beginning. I have two very young children with that wrong person now, and I am currently trying to navigate through a separation. Save yourself years and years of pain, heartache, and disappointment. Move on with someone better for you.

LikeDuhWhatever · 17/05/2020 20:42

OP you had a lucky escape and you did the right thing. With all due respect, he sounds like a loser. If you had stayed you would be miserable on the long run.

Notmyrealname855 · 17/05/2020 20:43

(Sorry - no judgement, we all have bad exes, all the harder when part of them seems so alluringly close to what you want)

Original poster
JameyBan · 17/05/2020 20:44

JungleJane this is very helpful actually, I am telling myself that I made an investment in my own future by ending this relationship. To be kind to the future me, I have to be "ruthless" with the current, weepy, heartbroken me.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 17/05/2020 20:44

JameyBan - I've just seen that you said he had kids, my ex did not, and he's an ex by some considerable margin now, but fist bump of solidarity!

You've got excellent boundaries, and the pain will fade very quickly.

SomeoneElse1 · 17/05/2020 20:49

I don’t think you love him you love who you want him to be. And he is none of those things. He’s a waste of space who would only ever have meant bad news.

Would you really have wanted your children growing up in a house where they had to get out of the way because daddy’s drug dealer was on his way around? Social services would have potentially become involved and he would have bled you dry in pursuit of his coke habit.

You’ve had a lucky escape,and TBH he likely doesn’t love you either.

Move on,he’s a waster and you’re well rid.

Elieza · 17/05/2020 20:51

I know your heart is breaking but you’ve done really well to think with your head not your heart. The correct choice. You will heal soon OPFlowers

wondermine · 17/05/2020 20:54

Oh wow. Yes deal breaker! Don’t waste your time! Now you know why the ex got rid of him!

moonmaya · 17/05/2020 20:55

Making investments in your future, I like it !

To love and have a big heart.. but still have boundaries of fucking steel.

Sunshinedu · 17/05/2020 21:05

OP,

You sound very strong,as a man I can say you did the right thing.Who does that at 45 and if he has no ambition to better himself he would drag you down with him.
You are wise to end this,it would only get worse and your tied in further.
In time you will be thankful, take your time and watch for these red flags again.

vixxo · 17/05/2020 21:18

OP he is a loser, do not get sucked in.

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