When you are in love with the wrong person

[JameyBan]

Hi all, I could use a bit of advice and support tonight.

I have recently ended a relationship with someone whom I am deeply in love with, and who loves me back. However, he is not the right person for my on possibly every level, and I know that there is no future for me with him.

Walking away from him was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done, and I feel utterly distraught. I know it was the right decision, but God it hurts like hell.

How do you heal a broken heart in these circumstances? How do you move on when your brain rationally knows that it is for the best, but your heart would want nothing more than being with that person, who wants the same?

You would be wasting your life by giving him any more of your time.

I’m interested in how he’s both unemployed and a spendthrift who regularly blows money on cocaine...?

Honestly, OP, imagine if you’d been weaker and sacrificed your wish for children for an unemployed drug-user with poor MH and more baggage than Heathrow?

Aside from the fact he will probably get worse as he gets older, the behaviours you describe would be a massive turn off for me anyway. No job or financial stability at 45 never mind the coke binges would leave me struggling to respect him.
You have done the right thing OP, be ruthless, cut all contact and move on with your life.
When I split with my ex, I made a list of what I wanted a new partner to be. You will never get perfection but if you have strong values that mean a lot to you, it will help you know what is negotiable and what is not.
Enjoy your new life

I would’ve thought you’d be glad to get shot of him.
I’m sure you’ll be fine, he’s no loss.

Frangible he got a sizeable sum (back then £150k, now there may be around half of that left) when he divorced from his wealthy, high-flying ex-wife. So he lives off that money.

Just for clarity, he doesn't buy or do coke every day, it is a once every few months kind of thing. Still, completely unacceptable in my view, even more so at his age with two DC.

You’re better having some hurt now than potentially years of hurt if you stayed with him. He doesn’t sound like a keeper.
Try to picture your future life with someone else and keep focussed on that. Be strong and don’t cave in because every time you see him, you’re back at the beginning.

This happened to me OP. I went through a period of deep grieving. I did lots of research about how the brain causes you to forget the bad bits of the relationship after loss and remember good times. I read lots of inspirational memes. Made a Pinterest board of how I wanted my life to be in the future. Spent time with friends.

Eventually it got easier and I met my current partner, who is perfect for me. He’s truly amazing and I’m so glad I didn’t let my emotions control me.

I’m in touch with the original again now. I still think he’s wonderful, but that’s not enough. He could never have made me happy.

Good luck OP, you’re doing the right thing.

That’s going to run out sometime, OP. (And possibly sooner rather than later if he’s living solely on it — a friend of mine who has a FT job and is married with two kids burned through about 50k of a £160,000 inheritance from his parents in a couple of years — no drugs or big purchases, just frittering it away on stupid stuff like endless computer games and fancy tech he hardly uses.)

Imagine him 50, broke and sponging off you, as well as all his other delightful qualities. Imagine it’s your money paying the dealer while you hide in the bedroom.

Keep focusing on what your head is telling you and your heart will catch up. It may take a week, or two or a month maybe but it will. Meditate and focus on how the incidents with the coke made you feel I mean really FEEL, to remind yourself why you're cutting him off. It won't take long, if you take this approach

There currently another thread right now about someone who is being cheated on and lied to by a coke dealer and 3 or 4 weeks later they're still giving them head space, buying him gifts and allowing him to fuck with her head and emotions. Don't be that person, choose a better way now.

How is this man managed to get into relationships with two sensible sounding women (high flying ex) and you sound lovely and like you have your head screwed on. It astounds me that men like this actually manage to get into relationships! It’s scary what people can hide. Good on you for getting out while you can!

Sounds like you made some bad choices with respect to this relationship, particularly to continue it for a whole year given the clear issues with him, wasting your own time and energy. You are still romanticising it.

Suggest reflecting on your choices and ways to make better ones when you next date.

No contact at all with him is best.

Dozer to be honest, the coke issue didn't appear at all until we had been dating for 8/9 months already. He was employed when we met but lost his job a few months later, it was only 4/5 months ago that I realised how ineffective he was at finding another one. The money issue manifested itself around the same time.

So many of the red flags showed up in the last 4 months I'd say, by then I was already smitten so it wasn't easy to walk away.

And we are no contact, I can't keep the communication open with him otherwise I am afraid I'll be tempted to get back together, which is not what I want.

Sure, SOME of the issues emerged later on. But some were clear from the start, eg his age, recent divorce etc.

Being “smitten” isn’t good reason to stay. It’s good that you’re out of it now.

"Making investments in your future, I like it !

To love and have a big heart.. but still have boundaries of fucking steel."

This! You've done incredibly well. Give it time. There's no doubt that in the future you will look back at this moment and thank yourself a hundred times over for having had the strength to walk away.

Just one other thing - at the risk of being bossy and officious (which I often am) - depending on how young you are, it might be worth steering clear of men who are much older. I've noticed a trend on MN of posts from younger women with considerably older partners/husbands who are being treated appallingly by said partners/husbands - someone else remarked on it in another thread earlier today also. There are exceptions to every rule but men in their mid-late 30s and 40s don't really have any reason to be pursuing and dating women 15-20 years their junior and if they do, I think it's generally a sign of wanting someone 'more pliable' whom they can 'direct' and mould to their own wishes.

That said - that's clearly not going to be you because you know your worth but it does seem to be a common feature on MN.

Dery I am early 30s and he is 45, so not a huge age gap I guess.

In this case I don't think he "targeted" me for my young age, in fact I was way more in control of my own life and put together than him!

Maybe so, JameyBan, but for a bloke of 45 there is still a cachet in being able to 'get' a woman ten or more years younger. Give it another ten years, when you would only be early forties and he'd be in his mid fifties and, I hate to say it, that's when men start deteriorating and becoming exactly like their dad. (In my experience only, I hasten to add before I'm piled on by wives and girlfriends of incredibly sexy go-getting 55 year olds!).

Early 30s and possibly wanting DC and 45 with DC and wanting no more is a very big gap IMO.

You didn’t and don’t have time to waste with him, fertility wise, even setting aside all the other issues.