This is thing holding me back from leaving him and nobody seems to understand

[Prettytasteless]

He’s an abusive bully. He is physically, emotionally and financially abusive to the dc and I. We have 3 dc. I feel completely trapped. I have tried to leave several times and each time I have to go back.

This is along the lines of what usually happens: I leave and I take the children. I start speaking to a solicitor. I go to stay with my elderly parents. He turns up at the house, tries to physically bash the door down, terrifies my parents who are also very worried about the neighbours. When he comes in he physically wrestles the dc away from me, shouting at me, calling me a fucking poisonous bitch, takes them outside, pushes them into the car and drives away.

I call the police. The police go to the house, and he turns on the charm. Denies to the last that there was any violence involved, just that they’re his DC and he has a right to see them and I am crazy and an alcoholic (I’m not - this is just made up) and I must be making things up to say he shouted or was violent. He has a lawyer friend who he calls on such occasions who talks about his rights. Police usually back off, return the kids to me, or don’t and tell me to pursue a divorce to get a custody arrangement. One police officer told me they “didn’t want to get caught up in the back and forth,” so to “Call every time he takes his own dc” is wasting police time.

I have tried talking to my husband. I say look, you are not happy and neither am I. Please can we split amicably? He starts screaming and shouting and saying I have ruined his life and the dc lives. That the only reason there are any problems are because of me (he uses the first time I tried to leave as a sign now that he cannot trust me and therefore deserve constant punishment and should be in “pay back” mode because of that.)

I have read lots of books about learned helplessness and I feel I am in that mode. But I don’t know what there is practically available outside of this.

I feel like I want someone to come along and take me and the dc out of it all, but I know that’s co-Dependent. I have tried avenues like women’s aid, family services, therapists, domestic abuse helplines. All have told me to report him to the police.

The solicitor I spoke to lined up the financial side for me but was still at a lost when I asked “what if he takes the dc?”

What’s the solution?

Is there anywhere you could go that he wouldn’t know about? Do you have any money or access to money?

Or go to your parents and don’t open the door. 999 if he kicks off.

How old are the children? Old enough to talk to the police if needed? Surely your parents could give statements?

He has the illusion of power over you. You need to get out from under it.

Get back in touch with Women's Aid. You need their support. Speak to the local police domestic violence team. Get legal advice. You need some kind of non mol to prevent him harassing you when you leave. See a mediator and get them to approve you not doing mediation because of abuse and then go down the legal route regarding contact. He will not ever agree to you going. Don't ask for his permission. You don't need it. He will likely get contact but he can't take your children away.

I’m now sure how he gets in your parents house. The point the police should be called is when he is outside bashing the door in. If your parents are letting him in, their house is not a safe place to go.

Contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence re obtaining a non molestation order.

Contact Women’s Aid, see if you can get a refuge place. Whilst the kids are off school should be a good time for this as it won’t be too disruptive for them.

Have you got any savings or could your parents lend you any money to fund a short term rental property? You should not live with him whilst going through a divorce if he is aggressive.

I was thinking the same thing, you clearly need to get away from this man. Is there anywhere that you can go that is far, far away that he couldn't find you?

I'm not sure if that's even possible, but I really hope that it is

*not sure

If he ever turns violent outside your parents again, film him. Or use voice notes on your phone to record him.

If he assaults you or threatens you or your parents, report him to the police, make a statement and follow through with a prosecution if you have that option. Photograph any injuries he gives you, tell people about his behaviour.

Oh and if you are not happy with the conduct of his lawyer friend, report him to the legal society and let him know you will be doing so.

I think you need to plan before you leave instead of fleeing yo your parents then going back. Get the money together so you have somewhere to go to or speak to women's aid.

The police need to be called before he gets into the

Have you never reported his attacks on you or the children to the police and if not then why?

Go into a refuge with the kids.

I wonder if going to a refuge would help you, ie somewhere he can’t find you.

It does sound like reporting to the police could be really helpful. Women’s Aid should be able to support you to do that.

Call Refuge again, link below. Make a plan to leave this dangerous man.
Call the domestic violence unit of your local police force. Ask for their help in leaving him. Make a plan.
Make a proper plan and fix a date with somewhere to go (a refuge not your parents). Use the law to stay away from him.
Good luck OP, this is so difficult but you can do it. Get some support.
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Rather than going to your parents could you go somewhere else? Do you have money to rent somewhere else?

Also filming things is a good way to prove stuff.

Sorry but staying is just going to mess your kids up. At the end of the day people do get out of these situations but they have a plan, you have to be smart about it.

Hide some money, film or record whatever you can dont go to your parents go to a womans shelter even if you turn up on there doorstep and then call the police and show your evidence.

Either way you need to have a plan

It sounds like you have been given very poor legal advice.

Start documenting the abuse. As PP have said, film from a safe distance next time he’s hammering on doors etc. Is he breaking into your parents home?

Start divorce proceedings, get a court agreed custody arrangement; try to get contact done through a contact centre.

Talk to women’s aid, they will be able to advise you.

Women's Aid to start with
See about going to a refuge if possible.

If you're going to your parents. Install a small camera for the doorway.
He shows up, call the police as soon as you see him pull up. Don't open the door.

If you can, either prepare your phone to record quickly without having to unlock it and fiddle with it. Record him when he kicks off at home.
Or if you can, get a small camera and install it where he normally kicks off to record him.

save any nasty messages he sends to you.

How did he get into your parents property? Did you let him in? You should be calling the police when he is banging at your door NOT when you let him in and he takes the kids.

If you don't want to go to your parents, phone the refuge and ask for residence there. You can leave but you need to play smarter.

Pretty shitty attitude of the police. Your parents are witnesses for the abuse for starters. As you have called the police several times, they will have documented each time. You have this logged for starters. I imagine you make some kind of request to get this info.

Document each time he does this, record everything on camera phone. Call 999 as soon as he arrives. How is he getting in?

As for the friend, Banana suggested reporting him to the law society. That’s a great idea and hopefully he will back off. I also don’t understand why you haven’t reported that he is physically abusing your children. They will be able to corroborate this. The police seem to be doing a pretty poor job if they’ve told you to stop wasting their time.

Your normal pattern of going to your parents is not working. Therefore you need to change this to get a different result and regain power against him.

Who is letting him in when he arrives at your parents' house, banging on the door?

You need to get to a refuge so you can get away from him properly
Why do you let him in if he comes to your parents house?

I'd be calling the police as soon as he was outside and if he kicks off in front of the neighbours then you have witnesses. Don't let him in, let him show the whole street what he's really like. I know it's embarrassing, I've had police taking my ex away before but I'd rather that than putting up with his shit.

I think a Women’s refuge should be your first stop, and not your dear parents. This must be harming the children considerably.

Listen to the wise advice given here.

I don't understand how he gains access to your parents house and how 3 of you can't prevent him taking distressed children. A refuge is your answer

It sounds like parents are letting him in to parents' house because they don't want the neighbours to be watching him kick off and make a scene?
How supportive. Priorities, people!