This is thing holding me back from leaving him and nobody seems to understand

[Prettytasteless]

He’s an abusive bully. He is physically, emotionally and financially abusive to the dc and I. We have 3 dc. I feel completely trapped. I have tried to leave several times and each time I have to go back.

This is along the lines of what usually happens: I leave and I take the children. I start speaking to a solicitor. I go to stay with my elderly parents. He turns up at the house, tries to physically bash the door down, terrifies my parents who are also very worried about the neighbours. When he comes in he physically wrestles the dc away from me, shouting at me, calling me a fucking poisonous bitch, takes them outside, pushes them into the car and drives away.

I call the police. The police go to the house, and he turns on the charm. Denies to the last that there was any violence involved, just that they’re his DC and he has a right to see them and I am crazy and an alcoholic (I’m not - this is just made up) and I must be making things up to say he shouted or was violent. He has a lawyer friend who he calls on such occasions who talks about his rights. Police usually back off, return the kids to me, or don’t and tell me to pursue a divorce to get a custody arrangement. One police officer told me they “didn’t want to get caught up in the back and forth,” so to “Call every time he takes his own dc” is wasting police time.

I have tried talking to my husband. I say look, you are not happy and neither am I. Please can we split amicably? He starts screaming and shouting and saying I have ruined his life and the dc lives. That the only reason there are any problems are because of me (he uses the first time I tried to leave as a sign now that he cannot trust me and therefore deserve constant punishment and should be in “pay back” mode because of that.)

I have read lots of books about learned helplessness and I feel I am in that mode. But I don’t know what there is practically available outside of this.

I feel like I want someone to come along and take me and the dc out of it all, but I know that’s co-Dependent. I have tried avenues like women’s aid, family services, therapists, domestic abuse helplines. All have told me to report him to the police.

The solicitor I spoke to lined up the financial side for me but was still at a lost when I asked “what if he takes the dc?”

What’s the solution?

Bluetrews25 well obviously. But the neighbours ae witnessing it all anyway. Better to have the police arrive and remove him than have it happen repeatedly.

She and her children are safe at her parents until someone let's him in.

Tbh, going to her parents and calling the police when he turns up would he a far simpler solution than a refuge.

Do what I did, get a mini recorder and record his tantrums for the court hearing.

If this has happened more than once how have ss dealt with it? I do not believe they would not have been contacted. Your poor, poor children.

Your parents sound plain daft. They should not be facilitating his conduct, they should be protecting you.

It sounds as if he is physically abusing your children as well as you? But you have never actually reported him to the police for any actual abuse. You wait until he removes the children from you and then report that to the police, which is the problem the police have - he has PR and he is entitled to have the children with him.

You will either need to be prepared to report him for emotional, financial and physical abuse - of both you and your children - or you need to find a place in a refuge if you can. In simple terms, the thing holding you back from leaving is you. I appreciate the reality is more complex in an abusive situation, you've been conditioned not to want to upset him for fear of the consequences, but you're still stuck in the abusive mindset where if you can just find the right form of words, he will miraculously come to his senses and say 'oh yes, you're quite right - we should separate amicably for the sake of the children, what was I thinking?'. This moment is never going to come.

Get a divorce and accept that he likely to be given access of 50/50 custody of the DC. Don't let the fear of him getting 100% custody put you off getting a divorce. Final, legal separation is your only way out of it. Use Women's Aid again. Listen to their recommendations. You need to make a plan to earn enough money to rent your own place, rather than go to your parents. Good luck.

Our parents have bizarre attitudes to abuse, they think it’s normal, they worry about appearances and they don’t see the damage it does children. My awful exes parents blamed me for, abuse because I didn’t behave like a Stepford wife told me I should change him and he loved me “underneath it all”, (sometimes after he had emotionally abused me for hours) they’ll be no help, give up on them.

The Police don’t get the levels of manipulation and details of domestic abuse they’re not psychologists. Many social workers fall for charm and go on appearances. My ex told social workers the bin full of beer cans was mine, I hate beer, they believed him.

Film and document abuse and get yourself to a woman’s shelter.

Your husband needs you to a ridiculous degree, he’s dependent, damaged and manipulative. Your husband is an empty shell, he’s trying to keep you by control and violence. Your hubby has also been getting away with his bad behaviour for free. You’re the strong one whose being fooled.

Please record this nonsense and get to a woman’s shelter.It will take years for some people to believe your side of the story so just concentrate on your kids and building yourself up.

Good luck.

Yes, film the abuse, get out, find a way, you have to for your sake and the kids. I was in this situation, 1st H, this was in the 70s, when the Police took no notice of domestic abuse, told me not to be a silly girl, they were sure he was really sorry, this was one time he held a pillow over my face and tried to kill me, fast forward, I had the sorry I wont do it again, excuses, of his terrible childhood, he then tried to kill me again. Had a great solicitor, I did loose the house, (he had re-mortgaged it twice by forgining my signature) stopped paying the mortgage. Spent a year in emergcny accomodation, given a house, and still alive

Get your ducks in a row - haha, famous MN saying.
But I think that it is a good idea.
Get all the financial paperwork/online stuff copied, make records of all abuse and dates, contact solicitor before you move with all the info you have collected. Women's Aid should be able to advise and support.
Do not discuss with DH or DPs. It is obvious you need to leave so no need to discuss.

Agree with others OP. There are ways to get out, but it won't be sunny and rosy. Please call Womens Aid and get some help from them.

Do you want your kids to grow up in this kind of environment? How scary having their father dragging them back home.

Having been in this situation I know how hard it is, if I tried to leave he would kick off at my mums.

I also met an uneducated on the matter police officer I asked for their help on details for a refuge and was told that I can stay at my mums and refuges are for women with nowhere to go - even though he was booting my mums door in and that's why they were called.

I agree with others in that you haven't reported the abuse to the police, only him taking the children. In which case they can't advise properly if they think it is a dispute over custody.

I would plan to leave in this case rather than leave on a whim after an abusive episode.
When it is safe to do so you should call womens aid and seek advice on getting non molestation orders, finding accommodation or a refuge space, basically how to go about it.
Your children need you to do this for them.
I know it's the hardest thing in the world but is so worth it in the end.
Theres a thread on the relationship board this morning from a lady celebrating 2 years free of abuse and it is amazing to read.
Good luck

Also to the pp who said hell get 50/50 contact.. That's not a given. If abuse and violence is documented there's a good case for not 50/50 plus it sounds like the father is all about control and is unlikely to want the hassle of 50/50 on reality, even if he says he does. It also sounds like he'd be v unwilling to pay maintenance so I would plan finances without factoring that in.

Realistically your only option is a refuge or a plan to relocate. My friend moved literally 200 miles overnight with her dc. He did eventually find them but never tried to get custody etc because by then the children and her had recovered enough to just refuse. When he realised he couldn't bully then anymore he looked for fun elsewhere.

Sorry when I said he may get 50/50, I meant that it's unknown at the moment and you should fight that battle when it comes to it (assuming he can be bothered to do it). Don't let the fear of him having custody stop you getting away and divorcing him. As somebody said, documented abuse may mean he doesn't get access. Getting away with the DC is the priority.

Have you reported him to the police because he is violent and abusive?

Or do you only call the police when he has taken the children back after you have left?