totally fed up with my mum ...not sure how to handle her

[kittenbaby]

im so fed up with my mum
its a long story but shes always totally favoured on of my brothers im one of three

just had my 1st baby 12 weeks ago

she and my dad went off on holiday abroad for 2 weeks 3 weeks before i was due to give birth
as yes they where away when i gave birth to dd
they knew i was pregnant and when the due date was when they booked there holiday
i had so many problems throughout my pregnancy and a difficult birth which resulted in me having to have an operation after the birth to repair damages

all my mum does is want to see her fav son child who is now her fav grandchild she now has five
and whenever i see her all she does is go on about this said gc none of the others

even when we where at my mum and dads house she was so desperate to play with fav gc she almost droped dd as was letting het head wobble all over the place
while rolling a ball to fav gc

she doesnt seem to get a shit about me or my other brother
even when i went for my 6 week check up i was worried about bing examed she didnt even remember when it was or ask me how it went evn though i told het how much i was dreading going and couldnt face it
esp after this operation

and last week
i had to go into hospital to she the consultant about my repair from 4th degree tear operation ,which was a horrible and painful,this was on thursday, and she hasnt even called to see how it went or how i am
oh she did send a text, how thoughtful of her
im so sick of her
i just dont even want to talk to her

she is very anti breastfeeding which is a major pain in the ass
as thats the one thing im struggling with

do you have any ideas what her problm is or what do with her ?

sorry went on a bit there didnt i lol

Hi kittenbaby,

Re your comment:-
"I never found my dad a bad influance in my life ,i wish he would of stopped her being so nasty but he never really did anything".

Your Dad's role was and is the "bystander". Again commonly seen in dysfunctional toxic families; he knew and knows very well what is going on but is unable and or unwilling to stop it.

If you do decide to cut your Mum out you're going to have to cut him off as well.

Screen all your calls, use BT's call identity service. Install an answering machine. Make yourself unavailable to both your parents.

Another thing I would suggest is to send any cards and gifts for your child back to her unopened. She may use your child to get at you.

You are certainly not to blame for her issues and problems. She is making you a scapegoat for her poor life choices. You cannot change her but you can change how you react to her.

Do read "Toxic Parents" if you can; there are excepts of this book online and it can also be ordered from amazon.co.uk.

thats true he was a bystander

he was really the only person that would of had a chance to put a stop to all th things that went on

this s really only a snipett of my life since ive been pg and as my dd is only 12weeks old this is just what shs done and said in that short space of time

dread to think how longf this would be if i started at the begining

im def gonna order that book

Hi Kittenbaby, haven't read the whole thread but as others have said there is a long long long (!) thread "my mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry" which you may really find helpful if you have time to go through it - I don't know how to do links so will bump it up for you now.

It seems to be the case with many of us that having a child of our own has brought our the worst in our own toxic parents, and brought things to a head.

My mother too favours my younger brother and therefore his children and made it very obvious how much after my DS2 was born - what happened is the subject of the thread mentioned so I won't go into detail.

Be strong. This could well be the start of a new phase in your life - the phase where you recover your self-esteem and live your life for yourself and your own little family instead of endlessly trying to gain the love of someone who can never give it back.

thanks pages x off 2 read it now

Hi Wisteria, just put my stalking trilby on for today .

No, Oscar Wilde said something far worse - he said that all women turn into their mothers - that is their tragedy. Much as I love my mother, !!!!! And it doesn't have to be that way - thank God!

I think it was Philip Larkin said 'THey you up, your mum and dad, they may not mean it, but they do'. Kitty's mum certainly seems to mean to - but Kitty, you're doing a great job in resisting, and we're all here with our rolling pins if you need our support.

Goodness gracious if she is going to read that thread then she wont be back for the next 2 days .

There is nothing wrong with you Kittenbaby, always remember that. If you keep telling yourself that you are a great mother, great wife, great friend etc then you will be.

However it also works the other way, if you keep agreeing with your mother that you are an inadequate mother, bad person, bad wife etc. then you will end up being that person.

It takes a lot of heartache and guts to realise that your mother is not a good mother.
However, it also takes a lot of guts and heartache to decide on how and if you want to go along with that kind of relationship.

I do believe that in order for you to feel good about your decision you have to take action
i.e. tell her how her comments make her feel,
ask her to not make those comments,
ask her if she really does mean the things she is saying about you (my parents were quite clear on the fact that they believe I am not a good mother, not a good wife, not a good person etc.).

If that meeting goes badly then tell her that you need a break from her (or write). Do not give a timeframe, that way you can go back when you feel strong enough to be the person you want to be even when you are in the same room as her. Make sure that she understands the terms on which you are willing to be together with her are and that you mean it.

I would suggest you get this birthday (party?) out of the way and then ask her to meet with you one evening at your house or her house, but just the two of you.
Make a note of what you want to ask her so you don't forget (I personally found that really good to have) and of the things you want to say to her.

Hope you feel better soon.

Link to the thread My mum has cut me out of her life

thank you so much to everyone that has taken the time to reply
its nice to chat to pople that have had the same/simalar experiences

as it can be even more difficult when u have probs with someone thats ment to be as close to u as your mum esp if u talk a bout to friends etc and there all like well that must be horrible for you but my mums always been fabulas etc
you feel like its just you

also i always hope she will change and its lik every now and then she throws me a crumb
iykwim lol

xxxx
read the other thread too and wish everyone o it love and happiness

Hi Kitten, just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday for yesterday.

How are things?

Hi Kittenbaby

any developments?

And happy birthday too!

allyx

Happy birthday Kittenbaby .

xxx