totally fed up with my mum ...not sure how to handle her

[kittenbaby]

im so fed up with my mum
its a long story but shes always totally favoured on of my brothers im one of three

just had my 1st baby 12 weeks ago

she and my dad went off on holiday abroad for 2 weeks 3 weeks before i was due to give birth
as yes they where away when i gave birth to dd
they knew i was pregnant and when the due date was when they booked there holiday
i had so many problems throughout my pregnancy and a difficult birth which resulted in me having to have an operation after the birth to repair damages

all my mum does is want to see her fav son child who is now her fav grandchild she now has five
and whenever i see her all she does is go on about this said gc none of the others

even when we where at my mum and dads house she was so desperate to play with fav gc she almost droped dd as was letting het head wobble all over the place
while rolling a ball to fav gc

she doesnt seem to get a shit about me or my other brother
even when i went for my 6 week check up i was worried about bing examed she didnt even remember when it was or ask me how it went evn though i told het how much i was dreading going and couldnt face it
esp after this operation

and last week
i had to go into hospital to she the consultant about my repair from 4th degree tear operation ,which was a horrible and painful,this was on thursday, and she hasnt even called to see how it went or how i am
oh she did send a text, how thoughtful of her
im so sick of her
i just dont even want to talk to her

she is very anti breastfeeding which is a major pain in the ass
as thats the one thing im struggling with

do you have any ideas what her problm is or what do with her ?

sorry went on a bit there didnt i lol

Kittenbaby, nothing anoone can say will take away the hurt. you are a mother yourself now and can choose what kind of a mother you will be-learn from your own mother's mistakes-it's her loss-and focus on your own little family unit.

shes 61 and retired so has plenty of time
we dont really talk about it
which is the case usually

in a way i feel more for my other brother as they all live in the same village other brother lives a 10 min walk from mums house and all though the school holidays she hasnt seen other brothers kids once
she sees fav gc everyday and even walks past my other brother house with fav gc everyday !
and i know it really upsts his wife to
as mum is always getting on at one of there children in particular and is constanly telling him off and his 3 kids go ingnored
they have three

at least i have a bit of distance

Hi Kittenbaby

Read the other thread 'my mother cut me out of her life - long story'. Lots of stories of mothers acting like this or similar. Helps to know you are not alone in this. We've all noticed pregnancy and marriage seems to bring their lack of 'mothering' to a head and have a realisation that they never have been there for us when we needed them and never will be

You've been amazing to get this far with possible mc, BF and your 4th degree tear, she should be so damn proud and protective of you and gc. What she is doing is not okay and is hurting you. Take a step back, you could wait forever for her to give you the love you need. Seek it elsewhere, get counselling for your low self esteem and from the sounds of it, emotional abuse and emotional neglect.

You've done so much alone, now is the time to get some help from people other than your mother. As the ad says 'your worth it' (l'oreal advert?!)

Keep posting xx

Good MORNING Wisteria. Are you on shifts ?

So sorry for your other brother, kitten, it must be so much harder for him.

I suppose if she's 61 she was born into the era when boys were still considered a Good Thing - help provide cannon fodder and defend their women etc - but it doesn't explain why she's like that about your other brother as well. It must go deeper than just the 'boy child' syndrome.

But no point in trying to analyse your mother. It won't change her. Just concentrate, as the others have said, on your own family unit. Glad you have a lovely DP and baby. The hard bit will be when your child gets older and wonders why her gran is so indifferent - but you can deal with that if and when it happens.

For now, just keep reminding yourself that it's her fault, not yours, and her loss, not yours.

what would you lot do in this situation?

1 cut her out of your life
2 avoid as much as poss and only see at family do's etc
3 any other ideas

like i dont know how to react or what to say next time i see or talk to her?
im fairly sure ill hear from hr next week as its my bday
what should i do ?
maybe i shouldnt answer the door or phonee ?

what would you do ?

think you are right my gonna concentrate on my own lovely family and maybe see my other brother more
now we both have kids

i know its her loss
just cant undrstand het nastyness

thanks for all the replies it does help

I'd just ignore her, and concentrate on my family and other brother, if you happen ot cross paths be lovely and vague and let her do the work to see you if she so wnats for a change.

what about if she calls me next week

should i be a littl distant with her

when's your birthday?

next thu

There's that saying 'do as you would be done by' isn't there? Call me evil but maybe you can turn it on it's head a bit and just ignore her for a bit; at least then the power returns to you and eventually she may ask why you are avoiding her. At which point you can turn round and say well, it hurts too much to be around you as 'basically your op' so I figured you weren't bothered about me being in your life.
She will argue it probably, as she sounds as though she herself suffers from low self esteem (and is jealous of your relationship with dp/dh as he sounds as though he treats you much better than your Dad did her) but stay strong and only let her back in when you want it. At least this way you get to vent your spleen so to speak and everything is out in the open.

Can you gain any support from your partners Mum? If you spent more time with her it may go a little way to giving you some 'mother's love' at a time when you really could use it.

yes I agree - don't stir things up but get on with your own stuff and leave it up to her to do the running

wisteria you are so spot on
she hates hates hates the fact my dh is great and we are equals
even b4 dd we did 50/50 housework cooking etc but of course we both worked fulltime

i think shed love it if i ran myself ragged allday and did all the household stuff
and that fact my dh always says its no bother making tea etc that really pisses her off
most mums would be happy there dd had such great support at home

i never found my dad a bad influance in my life ,i wish he would of stopped her being so nasty but he never really did anything

when she said to be when i was on the verg of having mc that dad, never had any interest in me or time for me cause i was a girl
this was news to me
i replied well he never made me feel that way
she said thats because i did a good job of hiding it
wtf

so its much more her than dad although he never helped her round the house and by the time i was 6/7 she worked ft and just couldnt cope i guess and took it out on us

but she is v v jelous of me and my dh
that is for sure

i guess i could try my mil
we do get on although shes very obsessed with weight
oh dear im kinda surrounded by craziness!!

by she is nice lol

Poor you kittenbaby, you have had so much to deal with. It is so difficult when you have such a fracturted relationship with your mother, it does end up affecting so much.

It is such a shame that at such a precious time in your life, when you should be concentrating on you dd and your new family life, that you cannot feel supported. Plus you have your tear and hv who doesn;t listen (saw your other thread).

I can only repeat what others have suggested, which is to make yourself and your dd and dh a priority, and close your mother out until you feel better placed to deal with her. I think it would be easier for you not to make the big announcement - "i'm cutting you out of my life" - but make all phone calls very short. Avoid making arrangements to see her, don't ask her advice, don't tell her anything which you know would cause her to start preaching. And if she does rant or hurt you, put the phone down quietly or leave the room.

It is so hard, my relationship with my mum was utterly poisonous, and I was SO desparate for her approval, love and care, just to feel like I was just a little bit important. Used to feel that 100 other people were on her list of priorities before me, like I didn't even matter. I just had to learn to accept that she was unlikely to change. But to be honest, our relationship only improved when I moved 150 miles away from her last year, now we see each other so rarely, we actually do get on. But bloody hell I am nearly 30 and still feel like a small child when I am with her.

Perhaps write a letter detailing all the grievances over the years (I did); don't actually give it to her, but it just helps to write all the things down, it certainly helped me in a strange way.

Oh god I have rambled on, sorry. Ido feel for you and hope it gets better. x

{hugs} for you! It sounds like you are going through it and have a bubba to deal with! (and a not very plesant birth too...)

I can say my MIL is much the same. We had DD 3 yrs ago and DS a yr ago and it has just gotten worse. It used to upset me heaps. Now it has come to the point where I don't take the children over there any more. If she wants to see them she is MORE than welcome to come to us. And you know what... she hasn't in nearly 10 weeks.

It just proves my point, ALL of her grandkids don't mean everything to her... Mean old witch.

I'm of your mum's generation but had similar issues with my mother. She had five children and didn't like any of them.
The only thing you can do is make yourself less dependent on your mother's approval. You are doing really well, but the way you feel is not your mother's problem. You can change the way you feel, your feelings are the only thing you have control over (I know people say "I can't help the way I feel", but is that really true?)

I would answer door and telephone next Thursday, and thank her very nicely for her attention, and that's it.
Be as kind as you can manage, but don't ask anything of her. In that way you will not be disappointed.
And for the rest:- get a surrogate mother!
I am much too far away, but my daughter is about to move away and I would love another daughter to look after, especially one so nice as you are.
Best of luck.

theres already quite alot of tatics i apply to dealing with my mum
these are

never confide anything in her
never tell her about anything you find hard or having problems with
never expect any thing from her

so i already do quite alot of this

so the only thing left is to cut her out or avoid really

any other tips welcome xx

im really being to hate her to be honest

Oh Dutchoma you sound lovely, can you be my surrogate mum!! Plus advice you have given is basically what i would have liked to say if I had a brain that functioned!

She sounds very screwed up to me. Some of the symptoms of low self esteem include:

Blaming others for your own mistakes;
Losing your temper at the drop of a hat;
Being over critical to the point of bullying;
Revelling in hearing about other's troubles

She may need help but it certainly doesn't sound as though it's your problem, she'd probably never admit she has a problem anyway by the sounds of it.

Maybe feeling a bit sorry for her is the way to go, after all it sounds as though you have pulled yourself out of the 'low self esteem' cycle. As DutchOma said 'get a surrogate'! I now talk to my Dad's male partner (another story ) in preference to the real thing as he is more approachable!

do you think im wrong to be upset that they planned a holiday abroad on week before i was due?

also what would you do in the situation where she was holding my dd
and desperate to play with fav gc
unfort for her she was holding dd when fav gc turned up and she was desperate to get rid of my dd to play with fav gc

No, I don't think you are wrong at all to be upset about their holiday booking - you are the only daughter, normal mothers would want to be around.

Plus, normal mums would be very much into holding the new and tiny grandchild, and would be very aware that it is your pfb and treat the baby as if made of china.

Everything sounds so full on at the moment, it would be best to avoid her completely.

Is your dh still being supportive? Perhaps you can use him as a buffer?

KittyLouise, you are definitely a lot closer geographically than Kittenbaby. Thank you for your very kind words.
Kittenbaby, one thing that's just not useful is to go over and over things in your mind.
Your mum going on holiday when you had your baby.. what does it matter whether it was "right" or "wrong", it's in the past.

You know what she is like, she's not likely to change,you certainly can't change her, but you can change your own attitudes and feelings.

the only reason i ask is because i wonder is it me ?

i wish i could just switch off how i feel but itso hard esp with a new baby probs bf difficulties after the birth physically etc

they only way i think i can cope is it not see hr really

Kitten, it's NOT you. It's nothing you or your similarly neglected brother have done. SHE has a problem. Her hurtful remarks about your father imply that SHE had a problem with her relationship with her husband, and a problem with his relationship with you. She may have felt that he loved you more than he loved her. That would feed into her jealousy about your relationship with your own DH - you probably have the kind of happy, loving, supportive relationship that SHE wishes she'd had. And she just can't stand it.

Happy birthday for next week - life starts at 30 (actually, make that 50 - my next milestone ... If/when she calls, be polite, don't rise to anything she might say to wind you up. And yes, don't seek her out - just participate in family things but keep her at a distance.

And listen to Wisteria's advice - she is very wise. I know, as I'm her stalker & waving...

Tanee - Thank you for the vote of confidence but I'm not very wise at all, if I were I would not longer get upset about my dad but listen to my own advice!! I think Oscar Wilde said something profound about parents screwing us all up in one way or another - let's pray that we've all learnt from their mistakes and don't do it to our dcs!

Kitten, you are not wrong to get upset about any of the things you have mentioned. She is the odd one, not you - it all smacks of jealousy and how sad that your Mum is focusing on that instead of revelling in her new grandchild as all 'normal' mums would be. My mum bless her, drove all the way up the motorway just to be with me in the early stages of labour.
Can you talk to your Dad about your feelings? He may be able to give you some insight into her. Either way, you have what sounds like a superb relationship, a lovely new baby, a brother who understands you and the requisite knowledge to be a fab Mum to your dd!