Is anyone else reserved and feels this can put people off?

[Redleathertrousers]

I'm trying to understand myself a bit more. I've felt for years as though some people dont really get me and/or struggle with my personality. I also know that you can't be everyone's cup of tea. I'm fortunate to have a couple of close friends. I asked one for feedback about me and how I come across and she kindly told me that I come across as reserved and I don't really open up.

I don't really enjoy talking about myself. I can manage fine in interview environments but on an everyday conversational level I feel uncomfortable because I don't feel like I am very interesting or have much to offer. This is with everyone, family and friends. So I tend to ask questions instead to deflect away from me but I think I'm careful not to make it sound like an interrogation. I was bullied in high school and I've definitely carried those wounds through to adulthood. I'm always amazed at people who talk about their day, hobbies etc so confidently.

Has anyone else been told this about themselves and how do you feel about it? Have you tried to overcome it? And if you're not like this would it put you off being friends with someone? Why?

Very much me- was also bullied and have horrifically low self esteem. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends/colleagues that I'd like to be set up with someone, because I'm sure I'd mess it up and embarrass myself/friend/colleague.

I'm much better in platonic situations but if I get a whiff of finding someone attractive I clam up.

I wish I could meet someone naturally, and get to know them as friends.

I'm sorry you feel like that @Why. In what way do you think you would mess it up?

I'm like this and I did find that a lot of relationships fizzled out after a short time.

With DP I think it works partly because he's reserved as well so we never expected each other to bare our souls all the time, but also he will happily witter away about "stuff" (hobbies/politics/random facts about wildlife) so we don't run out of things to talk about

Also alcohol really helped in the early days

I've been called frosty before. That person, and quite a few others I've come across, just didn't understand that not everyone is comfortable with people who are completely in your face the whole time. It makes me retreat. I'm really not reserved when I'm around respectful people.

Yes I'm like this too. I dont like to speak about myself because I feel I'm either too boring or my stuff is embarrassing. As a result of this I've been told I'm secretive. I'm great at adapting my personality to fit those around me so I don't struggle to make friends. I deflect by asking about others and being more concerned about them than telling my story. Sadly though, I often feel I'm holding back and that nobody really knows me. I know it's down to shockingly low self esteem and not feeling as important as those around me. I hate it and I want to change but I'm just trying to protect myself.

@bloated I can completely relate to that. Are you like that with everyone? Does it bother you that you are like that?

@FerneGreene yes alcohol definitely helps me on dates. I find I can chat without any worry after a drink.

@Crikey0000 That's an interesting way of looking at it. I agree some people want everyone to be very extroverted like them.

@Bloatedandconfused sorry you've said you hate it. What I mean is does it bother you enough that you are considering taking active steps to change it. My friend told me I'm fine as I am but I'm not so sure.

@Redleathertrousers I think the older I get the more it bothers me. I suppose if you asked the people around me questions about me they'd say I was kind, funny, attentive. Ask them what they know about my upbringing, family, past and I know they'd struggle to tell you anything. I also move around a lot with friendships so I'll be good friends with someone for a few years then I suddenly start to back away. It's never them. I don't know why I do it. It sometimes feels like they're getting too close.
I remember when I was in the early stages of my relationship with my ex husband I told him something about my life. I was so anxious I burst into tears. It wasnt even anything bad but i was so worried about how he would see me that I genuinely thought he would dump me. He just looked at me like I was mad.
I'm divorced. I've been single for 7 years. On the one hand I really want to feel close to someone again. I really want to love and be loved. On the other hand, I'm scared to death of relationships.

I used to be much more reserved than I am these days

Alcohol helped.

One day I just started talking and things got so much better.

I think part of getting ove this is realising, REALLY realising how it comes across to others.

Someone told me once they thought I didnt like them or trust them enough to open up. Harsh but it hit home.

If you never dare tell others about yourself that isnt very fair if they are taking a risk and putting their trust in you.

@Bloatedandconfused thanks for sharing that. I think you have a lot of great insight into yourself.

@whatthe yes that's what I'm imagining it makes people feel like. How did that person raise that as a subject with you?

This is me too.

I have never been an out there person, I am a bit socially awkward to be honest. I like to linger in the background and observe

We used to meet up with a bunch of parents from one of our DC sporting activities. There would always be a get together after a match. Noone really mingled with me, probably as I didn't give off a good vibe really.

Anyway one night I had a couple of drinks and they were playing music and I got up to dance. Which drew a crowd and then from then onwards they were OK with me and we have stayed good friends.

I asked one of my friends one day why it took them so long to speak to me. She said it was because I came across as being stuck up. Which I am not at all, I am very down to earth.

So in a crowd I try harder now if I don't know people, as I didn't know I came across like that.

@whathewhatnow you've raised some really good points especially the bit about people putting their trust in me but me not doing the same. It's true and you're right it isn't fair. After reading this thread I think it all boils down to bullying in childhood. I need to be brave and put myself out there. For everyone

I’m naturally reserved, I do have quite a few friends, but I’m not one for big gatherings. I’ve come to accept myself for who I am. A man I worked with once called me a stuck up bitch, which upset me a lot. So I guess I can come across stuck up, but I think it’s because I’m reserved.

Yes! I’ve had this, accused of being stuck up or stand offish. I’m just reserved.

@Redleathertrousers we were... drunk! I was crying about something which I never used to do in front of others. I thought doing this sort of thing would make people run for the hills.... I was apologising saying the usual "oh you must think I'm a right tool..." and that's when he came out with the bit about thinking i didnt like him.weve been really close friends ever since and hes one of the few people who I can totally be myself with. What a shame he's gay!

How do you work past the feeling of embarrassment about who you are and not feeling worth knowing or interesting?

Yes, I'm very very quiet.
I've been told to my face it's off putting.

I actually do well one on one but in groups, I prefer to listen mostly.

The person I’ve been seeing since January told me yesterday that he didn’t think we were compatible.

I can only assume it was because I wasn’t able to open up.

Agree with all other posters that alcohol helps but with lockdown and the situation it hasn’t helped.

I feel quite sad tbh

Yes I also hate to talk about myself. Apart from on here. I don’t mind writing posts here.
But in real life I struggle. I’m a great listener and help others but I hate talking about me. As a result of this, I don’t have any close friends, just people I know. I’m friendly, welcoming to new people but I never get close to anyone.

I've been told I come across as arrogant and stand offish - I'm not, I am extremely reserved though.
I'm so self conscious though and I worry all the time about what people think of me. I brood about times when I may have said the wrong thing accidentally. I have definite social phobia though as I worry about things to talk about etc, I cannot do small talk.
This lock down has been great for me tbh as I have a ready made excuse not to socially interact.
I'm fine with DH and close family but anyone else... No.

I'm mid 40s now so I've accepted this is the way I am. Still wish I could change though!

I'm quite reserved, but not due to low self-esteem, I don't think! I just find other people much more interesting. I like to ask questions and listen to other people's stories. I'll give basic information about where I've lived, if I have siblings etc. But long, drawn out monologues on how I feel about everything are not my thing and I would probably bore myself to death.

Hi op

I read your recent post earlier and have been thinking of you today. I’ve been thinking about your question about how to work past your feelings of embarrassment about who you are. This is what I have done. I know I’m reserved and never going to be the most interesting person in the room. I prefer my own company, often feeling stressed if I spend too much time with others. I’m an introvert. But I also know I am calm and kind. I have other qualities that are important. What qualities do you have. Being outgoing is not, in my opinion, the most important quality in a person. Tell us your positive qualities, list them down and don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you are patient and understanding, the sort of person happy to help a neighbour who needs your help. I value kindness in a person. That’s not to say somebody can’t be outgoing and kind, justvthst you’re being so negative about yourself. Tell us the good stuff!

You sound like a great listener!