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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband doesn’t want sex with me.

35 replies

Mummypig2020 · 17/05/2020 08:09

Me and Dh are both 29. Been together 6 years, married one. I have 2 Dc from previous relationship aged 12&10 and we have a 3 year old.

We were having sex once a week, maybe more before Xmas. I was happy with this.

Since Xmas my confidence has taken a huge beating and I’m at breaking point.

He just doesn’t want sex. He says he can’t relax enough to do it because the older two are always awake later and by the time they go sleep he’s shattered from work.

I feel unwanted and unattractive.

I finally made a move last night and he stopped half way through and “came” but he hadn’t.

Iv comforted him, tried talking to him but he doesn’t see a problem. Iv begged him to get his testosterone checked. Told him it’s affecting our marriage. Nothing.

Last night I had a dream he was having an emotional affair with the woman next door. She’s beautiful and he was always flirting with her, while I was begging him for his attention.

I just feel sad, and depressed.

Obviously lockdown hasn’t helped either.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Anothernick · 17/05/2020 08:53

I think the most likely issue here is performance anxiety, depression and/or stress. If he is otherwise healthy and not on any drugs it is u likely to be a physical issue.

The most concerning aspect of your post is that he doesn't see it as a problem. Men generally have a strong desire to ejaculate regularly for both physical and psychological reasons and if he does not have that then it is a problem and I think he may be in denial about that. And the fact you are not happy with the situation and he is refusing to engage is, of course, also a problem - he should care about your feelings and make an effort to help you.

Sex is the glue in a LTR, it will keep you together when everything else is falling apart, if you cannot get him to take this seriously you will need to consider your options - if you are not having sex you are not really in a relationship at all, you will just be house sharers.

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/05/2020 09:09

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him . I hate to say this but at the young age of 29 ( and yes it is young) he/you have 2 verging on teenage children in the house as well as a toddler. Perhaps the ages of your children didn't matter to him when they were small and you first met but now it could be beginning to hit home. You have to admit you were very young to have two children. Many will come on here and say what a selfish twat he is but if you want to move forward then there has to be a lot of talking here - perhaps he doesn't want to still be married .

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/05/2020 09:17

OP hiya! Just to say my dh has not made a move on me for nearly 3 months! It hs been awful.Anyway I found out why him and his socially distancing penis have been like this so I thought I would share it with you after it came to a head last night..It turns out he is keeping me safe, now my dh bless him isnt the sharpest knife in the drawer but he had this mad idea that as he is working and has been throughout this crisis we are in he decided off his own bat to try to protect us s best he could with us being at home! So imagine no kisses no cuddles no sex at all for all these weeks is his idea of trying to safegurd us inase he brings the virus home to us.He is tired really tired and very stressed and sees alot of things we dont s we are protected t home.He wasnt embarking on an affair or had gone off me he was in a round about mad mens way trying to do what he thought was best.I ll it barmy myself but thats really all there was to it! Having teenages in the house does put an extra strain on your personal relationship but this is where your dh has to step up and get more creative.Lokdown isnt helping anyone its an awful time.I know how upset you must be but I think the only way around it for now is to sit and talk ..calmly and decide what you an both do to put it right.He has to be willing to converse and state his opinions and you have to somehow not blame him (or not be seen to blame him!!!) Set out what you would like to see happening and listen to him. Pretty sure you willl get back to normal but it is an odd time we are living through and to try to make sense of anything is not happening for many of us right now. As hard as it is and with my husbands idiotic ideas I am going along with it for now as it makes him feel like he is doing something valuable to help I dont agree with himbut life is hard enough right now so I am gritting my teeth and I know it will come right.Sometimes men are no good at communicating and we get all upset and as much as I would like to throttle mine I know I amnot a bundle of laughs right now either. I just want life to resume as it did as it was and well you know..Talk to him kindly and patiently however hard it is and see if you can find some compromise somewhere even if its only for a few weeks til his head is in a better place,then take it from there.

Dollyrocket · 17/05/2020 09:23

I find if the children are awake/in other rooms it really puts me off sex too.

Original poster

Mummypig2020 · 17/05/2020 09:28

He definitely has no issues with the dc. He’s a lot more mature than his age and has an amazing relationship with them both, oldest is a proper daddies girl.

I just don’t know how to go forward when the dc are going to be here for years. Hopefully come September things will be better.

OP posts:

YRGAM · 17/05/2020 09:30

Socially distancing penis 😂

PermanentTemporary · 17/05/2020 09:37

Really lovely post Sally. It is such a weird time, a lot of people me are having strange reactions and not even realising it yet.

HannaH021 · 17/05/2020 09:37

that would really frusterate me, i'm sorry you're having to deal with this. If it happened during lockdown i'd understand, but given that you mentioned xmas, i think if he's not willing to go to the dr for a check up, its a deal breaker. You shouldnt be feeling that way in ur marriage, you have ur needs f he's not willing to work with you on this, then he needs to understand that you have options too.

DontInjectBleach · 17/05/2020 10:20

Is the dream your subconscious do you think? And porn use can desensitise men and put them off "normal" sex. Could it be that?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 17/05/2020 10:30

I don’t really understand your post or the responses here. He hasn’t mysteriously and randomly stopped wanting sex. He’s explained clearly that he finds it difficult to relax and enjoy Sex with your older children awake and is tired by the time they’re asleep. That is understandable. He’s allowed to feel that way with you insisting it must be something else.

I’d be looking for work arounds like headphones for the kids or an early bedtime and up in the night or early morning for sex. Or daytime sex once kids are back at school. Your current approach pits you against him which is neither loving nor sexy. Id try to approach it as a joint issue to be jointly solved and avoid criticising him for his perfectly valid feelings.

Opentooffers · 17/05/2020 10:50

If it's the older kids being awake, morning sex could be an answer ( though, could be tricky if your 3 year old gets up early). A bit strange the stopping half way through, though that could be a one off. These are strange times where you can't get a moment to yourselves as parents, no sleepovers and no babysitting. It won't be forever, sounds like you are crying out for some adult alone time, which is understandable. It's exteme to jump to leaving, I think your self esteem is maybe a little too tied up in your DH's issues, perhaps you could find some other ways to promote your feel good factor as it's a risky thing to tie it to someone else.

Flyingf1edgelings · 17/05/2020 10:51

My son is 12 and I get anxiety he can hear us or sense why the door is closed. I can understand your dh.
I've made more of an effort as I really want to, but men are more affected physically to perform with anxiety of being heard

Hettie25677 · 17/05/2020 11:03

He's not suddenly got himself addicted to porn or anything has he? Just an idea, one of my friend's husbands went right off sex because he went and watched porn when he was 'working' or late at night when he went to sleep.

I agree with others- talk to him about it and make sure he knows how you feel, communication is everything ❤️

PumpkinP · 17/05/2020 11:08

This is so weird, there was a post on here the other day about a woman not wanting sex with her husband and everyone said she doesn’t have to want sex and there’s nothing wrong with not wanting it, and now it’s a man totally different responses, are men not allowed to not want sex then.

Musti · 17/05/2020 11:16

Get a lock for your door so you don't have to worry about kids bursting in.

rottiemum88 · 17/05/2020 11:16

He hasn’t mysteriously and randomly stopped wanting sex. He’s explained clearly that he finds it difficult to relax and enjoy Sex with your older children awake and is tired by the time they’re asleep.

This. Maybe, just maybe, he's telling the truth?!

Raidblunner · 17/05/2020 11:20

To be fair the woman that didn't want sex was being fiddled with her sleep by her husband. That said though there are quite a lot of contrary attitudes on mumsnet.

category12 · 17/05/2020 11:25

But them having dc in the house isn't a new thing. They were having sex once a week up until Christmas. The dc haven't miraculously appeared since Christmas.

rottiemum88 · 17/05/2020 11:28

The dc haven't miraculously appeared since Christmas.

Have you been living in a bubble? Presumably they're around a lot more at the moment than they were at Christmas

category12 · 17/05/2020 11:31

I know it feels a long time but lockdown hasn't been since Christmas .

CoachBombay · 17/05/2020 11:52

I can't have sex if DS is awake or I think he is even when I was with ex DH. If I'm doing it and I even hear him stir in his bedroom , that's it I'm done. I'll say stop and it stops.

To be fair the man this has happened with recently I can sense his frustration but he never made a thing of it and just said "it's ok, don't worry" through male frustrated gritted teeth with an erection just staring at me 😳

So maybe your DH is the same, he might be more aware of them, the noises they are making and is concious. It is hard to concentrate on sex when you think at any moment someone could burst in, and I'm sure he doesn't want your older children who will be quite aware of what's going on if they should walk in, bit different to a 3 year old you can bass off as "cuddles" if you aren't in some porn style positions on the bed inverted upside down by your ankles 😂

Anothernick · 17/05/2020 13:24

A 10 and 12 year old should be well able to understand that they knock before coming into your room. And if they sense what is gong on, well, they are learning that sex is a normal part of a loving relationship.

CoachBombay · 17/05/2020 13:53

Anothernick certainly, but a man isn't going to want his non biological children he shares a house with seeing his cock. They are quite precious about this from my personal experience, don't ask me why but they are,the only thing I've ever thought of is the kids going back to dad and saying something along the lines of "I saw X's bits" and then having angry biological dad asking why the kids are being exposed to step father's genitalia, although all easily explained in a rational adult way, emotions get a bit high and common sense is thrown out along with the baby and the bath water 🤦🏻‍♀️

Scott72 · 17/05/2020 14:48

Of course, it must be porn. Always the porn if a man ever loses interest in sex.

Original poster

Mummypig2020 · 17/05/2020 15:23

He doesn’t watch porn. He’s not into it. I watch it 😂

OP posts:

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