My husband doesn’t want sex with me.

[Mummypig2020]

Me and Dh are both 29. Been together 6 years, married one. I have 2 Dc from previous relationship aged 12&10 and we have a 3 year old.

We were having sex once a week, maybe more before Xmas. I was happy with this.

Since Xmas my confidence has taken a huge beating and I’m at breaking point.

He just doesn’t want sex. He says he can’t relax enough to do it because the older two are always awake later and by the time they go sleep he’s shattered from work.

I feel unwanted and unattractive.

I finally made a move last night and he stopped half way through and “came” but he hadn’t.

Iv comforted him, tried talking to him but he doesn’t see a problem. Iv begged him to get his testosterone checked. Told him it’s affecting our marriage. Nothing.

Last night I had a dream he was having an emotional affair with the woman next door. She’s beautiful and he was always flirting with her, while I was begging him for his attention.

I just feel sad, and depressed.

Obviously lockdown hasn’t helped either.

I don’t know what to do.

@Scott72. And of course that porn is always featuring women subject to abuse and trafficking, despite this being (thankfully) the minority of content out there now, which is mostly amateur, user submitted footage from fully consenting couples taken with go-pros and iphones.

And we still haven’t had sex!!

I’m at breaking point. Surely ther s only so many times a woman can be rejected? Even on his birthday!! I had made such an effort, we cuddled and kissed. It was lovely! But nope. Nothing.

Can you get away for a night without the kids? Not at the moment obviously but as soon as lockdown is relaxed and hotels open up again get them to stay with a friend or relative and go away just the two of you. When our DC were young we used to do that occasionally, and although we did not admit it to each other at first it soon became obvious that one of the main reasons we went was to have a good shag without risk of interruption.

If that doesn't work for you and he isn't willing to tackle the issue then you will have a difficult decision to make, but at least you will know that you tried everything you could to salvage the situation.

He isn't being unreasonable in not wanting sex. Nobody should have sex they don't want.

He is, however, being very unreasonable in not indulging in a proper conversation without writing it off as "not a problem". He doesn't get to dictate to you what is and isn't a problem for you in your relationship.

If he isn't willing to compromise by having a decent discussion then I think you probably have other decisions to make.

I just don’t know how to go forward when the dc are going to be here for years
Funny how it's YOUR children who are the 'problem'.....and not HIS 3 year old child......

He's basically telling you that this 'problem' of sex will always exist for as long as YOUR children are living there.
How much actual parenting does he do with the 3 yr old?
I'm guessing not much if the demands of a 3 yr old are not affecting him.....

Huh?

He’s an absolutely amazing dad, and does so much for all 3 of OUR Dc.

Lockdown is a weird time and affecting everyone in different ways. I'm fine all day but having stress dreams at night. My son has started grinding his teeth, my daughter is having the most outrageous tantrums, my boyfriend has lost all motivation to exercise which he previously loved and did daily. I expect lots of people are off sex. It's a stress/anxiety response. I wouldn't worry too much unless it goes on past lockdown.

Are your dc awake later because they're not in school?

I really didn’t enjoy sex with my teenagers in the house and would avoid it as much as possible. My exH didn’t have a problem with it but I was very uncomfortable. With lockdown are your older children staying up later? What he is saying makes perfect sense to me.

Our sex life had waned over lockdown, plus our eldest are about the same age as your eldest, and it does worry me that they might hear us (we live in an apartment).

I am not worried, it's a little bump in the road. We remain affectionate in ever other way.

Talk to him. And try not to let your self confidence depend on your sex life!

I can't relax or even think about having sex when my children are awake and chattering next door. We have a lock, and I still feel weird about it. It does not feel right, at all, and when you factor in how tired everyone is feeling and flat, well I am not surprised really.

I would let it go for now, ask him to book a hotel night and get a babysitter when they reopen in a few weeks, and go and have some fun. If you are connecting on all levels, and feel he loves you very much still then this will work itself out.

Have you told him his behaviour around your neighbour is making you uncomfortable? If not, I think you should. It is not on.