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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband, how embarrasing...

38 replies

Chandra · 10/10/2004 14:04

I would like to know if somebody could recommend a method, class, whatever, that can help him read what the people is trying tp say without actually saying it.

I'm not talking of magic here, he seems he's totally unable to realise that there are other people other than him trying to speak in a conversation, he can't realise if the guests are falling sleep over the table when he goes on and on about computers. And sometimes he is very rude towards people (like falling sleep in the sofa while we have visits). Soemtimes I just feel so embarrased about him, that I don't want to meet more people/go out, because I spend the night stressing out about what stupid thing he is going to say or do that would make the others uncomfortable. And of course, people doesn't have a good time either.

Most of the friends we have are friends I have done, I would like we could have a more active social life but it is a complete struggle to have a nice evening when DH is around, and many times my friends also disapear thanks to his behaviour.

Could any body sugest a practical solution? I have talked to him about this many times, we have gone through this in counseling but he thinks these things are not important, and that people actually have a good time hearing a string of boring scientific talks. I'm at my wits end...

PS. And no, he has done a aspergers test and he comes under the NT range... I have my doubts though... if you can also suggest something that may help adults with aspergers (and their relatives) that may help him as well, please let me know.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

OP posts:
pixiefish · 10/10/2004 14:07

My dh talks constantly- I just ask him to be quiet so that someone else can speak- or if he interrupts me I'll say- do you mind if i finish? A bit 'not nice' IYKWIM but it works

jampot · 10/10/2004 14:09

completely sympathise Chandra - my sister's dh is a bit like this - he rants on and on and on about bathrooms and valves and other boring crap. He also does really odd things like the other day he came to ours and walked really fast over to the fridge and stuck his head in it for about 5 mins just waiting for someone to comment on it !! Sister gets really fed up - maybe I should put you in touch with her!!

pixiefish · 10/10/2004 14:10

Off to hospital now jampot- need stitches... just split my sides laughing at your bil

Original poster
Chandra · 10/10/2004 14:12

Pixie.. I have tried that, it seems to work with me but what about the other people? is also embarrasing for them having me stoping DH every time they want to say something...

Jampot, it may be a good idea to get in contact with your sister, we may organise a suport group and talk about possible strategeies to help each other

OP posts:
jampot · 10/10/2004 14:15

he also refuses to put petrol in the car until he's run out - he once turned onto the hard shoulder getting on the motorway and declared "I think I need petrol" as the car started to stutter...

Original poster
Chandra · 10/10/2004 14:15

... though it may end up having the contrary effect with so many questions in the like of "what the hell I was thinking when I married him???" sigh**

OP posts:
jampot · 10/10/2004 14:15

I think Angie's only strategy is to knife her dh!

Original poster
Chandra · 10/10/2004 14:16

Jampot.... are you sure your bil is not bigamous??? I'm suspecting your sister and I are married to the same person!!!

OP posts:
pixiefish · 10/10/2004 14:16

chandra- i quite often say to dh-' will you listen to ... or a swift kick or pinch- dh is getting better slowly...

Original poster
Chandra · 10/10/2004 14:17

How long do you think she could stand before actually doing it (trying to get an idea of how long before I get to the same point...though I feel like disapearing at the moment)

OP posts:
jampot · 10/10/2004 14:18

Nutty's dh has met him when he went to collect some make up from his shop - according to Angie she told him a man would be coming in to collect a parcel of make up. When he came in he spoke to Peter and Angie says Pete just looked completely blankly at him and was surprised he didn't send him to Boots!!! Would be interesting to get Nutty's dh's perspective

Original poster
Chandra · 10/10/2004 14:18

He gets bruises in his knees of how many times I pinch him, but still no response AAARGHHHH!!

OP posts:
jampot · 10/10/2004 14:19

well they've been married for 13 years and probably for about 10 of those she's suffered but more so now

Original poster
Chandra · 10/10/2004 14:20

Oh dear! so it does get worse with age????

OP posts:
sponge · 10/10/2004 16:16

Out of interest Chandra, why did you marry him? I'd love to hear what his chat up lines were .

Original poster
Chandra · 10/10/2004 19:33

Why did I marry him? He was different at the time. It sems like we have been living in Nerdvana far too long, so he has become more of a geek during the last times...

But answering your question... no pick up lines, we were good friends for other reasons, I liked the way he spoke about his ex. It took him years to realise that I was attracted to him. Actually, when we joke about affairs I always tell him that it's impossible for him to have an affair as he would never realise about the oportunity. [exasperation emoticon]

OP posts:
Twinkie · 11/10/2004 10:41

You sure he hasn't got, slight Apsergers or something?? - you know the one where people don;t have the propensity to grasp social situations like most others??

(Just a thought read an article about a woman who went out with someone like this and he had aspergers - drove her nuts but she saw it as a quirky thing that made her want to love and protect him more!!)

Sorry am being serious but sometimes bizarre behaviour is not necessarily our own doing!!

MummyToSteven · 11/10/2004 10:51

practical solutions:

does your DH enjoy socialising with you? would it be better if you went out with your friends and left him at home to computer?

If your DH is not prepared to accept that he ought to adapt his behaviour in social situations, i don't really see what you can do other than socialise less with him.

If your DH is prepared to make some compromises, possibly he could have a time limit for how long he discusses computers.etc, or you could have a pre-agreed signal (kick in the ankle?) for when he should change the subject/let someone else get a word in edgeways.

in terms of the aspergers test - is this just one of the online tests rather than assessment by a psychologist? if he can't assess accurately how his behaviour impacts in social situations, then this will bias any self-assessment, surely?

acnebride · 11/10/2004 11:26

blimey, this does sound so like my xh and also my dad to some extent.

I've got no advice really, only second MTS's ideas.

You might find it interesting to read You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen, particularly the section about high and low-involvement conversational styles. Sounds po-faced but it's not. I'd suggest he read it too, if you think he would, but my experience is that men will rarely read books on suggestion, particularly those by a female author. Your dh might be different there.

suzywong · 11/10/2004 12:09

my close friend has a DH exactly like this, and she deals with it by calling him another, half ironic, chiristian name when he's in full flow. like "give it a rest now Derek' . It comes across as being affectionate but mocking and does the trick i.e. he realises he is being dull.

spacemonkey · 11/10/2004 12:10

stalk

Marina · 11/10/2004 12:33

Chandra, I've just caught up with this is there somewhere awful cloning these guys?
This sounds like dh at his occasional worst - falling asleep when visiting friends and weebling on about fishing mags in our case. BUT what keeps me in love with him is that he is not like this all the time, thank God! Just when he is tired or stressed, or socialising with people he doesn't know well yet. I think the wall-of-chat stuff is down to shyness/social anxiety, it is in our case.
Highly recommend the Deborah Tannen book, if only for your benefit. And change focus to attack the ankles for a change.
Is your dh like this all of the time? Does he ever relax in the company of close friends and show a warmer, more interactive side? I do hope so for your sake. LOL at Nerdvana but fully understand why this is not really a laughing matter.

scaltygirl · 11/10/2004 23:14

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scaltygirl · 11/10/2004 23:18

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jojo38 · 12/10/2004 10:28

not to put a dampner on things. I have just been going thro loads of info about aspergers... my dh is everything that aspergers info mentions. As I say, not to upset anyone here, are you certain that it couldn't be a mild form? My dh drives me mad. He has a constant conversation about tanks and war history. He can talk the hind legs off a donkey and bore people rigid with the ins and outs of how a german tank differs and how big the gun turret is etc... Yes, it is soooo embarrassing for me. He has no social graces whatsoever. No conversation unless it is about what is in his mind at the time. He cannot swap subjects, and if he is "forced" to, then he feels rejected, or "attacked" in some way. I would check it thro carefully. Good luck.