My husband, how embarrasing...

[Chandra]

I would like to know if somebody could recommend a method, class, whatever, that can help him read what the people is trying tp say without actually saying it.

I'm not talking of magic here, he seems he's totally unable to realise that there are other people other than him trying to speak in a conversation, he can't realise if the guests are falling sleep over the table when he goes on and on about computers. And sometimes he is very rude towards people (like falling sleep in the sofa while we have visits). Soemtimes I just feel so embarrased about him, that I don't want to meet more people/go out, because I spend the night stressing out about what stupid thing he is going to say or do that would make the others uncomfortable. And of course, people doesn't have a good time either.

Most of the friends we have are friends I have done, I would like we could have a more active social life but it is a complete struggle to have a nice evening when DH is around, and many times my friends also disapear thanks to his behaviour.

Could any body sugest a practical solution? I have talked to him about this many times, we have gone through this in counseling but he thinks these things are not important, and that people actually have a good time hearing a string of boring scientific talks. I'm at my wits end...

PS. And no, he has done a aspergers test and he comes under the NT range... I have my doubts though... if you can also suggest something that may help adults with aspergers (and their relatives) that may help him as well, please let me know.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

jojo, do you feel any better knowing that it may be AS? or has this scared you?

Oh dear, have not realised I have got so many posts, thank you! I'll be back in a sec, (when I have finished reading them)

Twinkie,
no, I'm not sure but I'm fearing it...

MummytoSteven,
DH and I have a great time together (in our own) though since DS is around opportunities to go out on our own are scarce.
The aspergers test was one in a Wired Magazine, suspect not a very reliable one. Dh score 30 and i scored 31. So I didn't take it seriously at the beginning (if I had a problem is that I'm terribly good at reading body language), but yesterday another of his geek friends did also the test and he scored 15, that was when I got worried, repeated the test and we're still over 30 (32 is supposed to be the border line)

Acnebride,
thanks for the book suggestion I will try to get my hands on it.

Suzywong... we also had a clue word but I think your suggestion it's much better. Thanks

Marina. He's not always like this, mostly with new people, he is a bit weird in his old friends's company but as everybody adore him he is more natural and I can relax knowing they won't take it the wrong side.

Scaltygirl,
Thank you so much for your post. No frustrated teacher here, he's a world's leader researcher in his specific area and... a lecturer at a top university...sigh the perfect candidate for Aspergers... I think that his aspie traits have become more acute in the last years but then, most of his work colleagues are exactly the same so it may be aspergers or mere peer influence.

JOJO, I just left a mesage at your thread before finding out I had so many messages in this thread. Should we organise a support group? [shy puzzled emoticon].

JD, even if the question it's not for me, I may answer it... it scares me, or better said, is the certainity that things will not change change what scares me. And I'm now concerned about DS (I have also Autism in my family side.)

bump?

Dh goes on and on about the sixties. He will also get up and leave the room when we have guests (after about an hour and a half). After a while I notice that he never came back! Our friends are used to it now and don't seem to mind. We just carry on without him.

Do you think somebody can openly accept that he can't read body language without getting slightly discriminated against? is it a good idea to talk about this to the people you know? (in light tome, I supose?)

I can openly say that I don't hear very well so people look at me when are talking (for lip reading) though incertain ocassions it may used against myself (i.e. SIL says something horrible and when I complain, she says "Oh, but I didn't said that..." ), has anybody know a publicly confessed aspie? is it a good idea to let people know about it?

I'm not wuite yet assuming DH has it but thought that let people know may help?? suggestions?

tome=tone

wuite=quite

Chandra - I have recently learnt that I am most probably an aspie, so I have been doing a fair amount of thinking about the "disclosure" issue. I have mentioned this on other threads on MN but the only RL person I have told is my husband. From what I have read, the general advice is to be very cautious about disclosure. From my POV there would be two difficulties in telling people - firstly having to educate them about ASD and secondly if they do understand about ASD whether they will respond sympathetically. Your DH may also come across reactions of disbelief - "oh he's just a typical man" etc. I just wouldn't be confident that mentioning ASD would automatically lead to people being more sympathetic/tolerant to your husband's foibles.

Also as well I feel it would be unwise to raise the issue of Aspergers other than possibly amongst very close friends without your husband's knowledge/permission.

All these men sound exactly like my dad. He's the most exhausting company I know as he will only talk about things that are interesting to him - his collection of pepper-grinders, for example, ad infinitum. It makes me feel hysterical. I think I've posted this before, but he once phoned me and started droning on about one of his pet subjects/obsessions, and I was fed up so I put the phone down, went into the kitchen, made myself a cup of tea and some toast (none to quickly) wandered back and picked up the phone again....and of course, he was still in full flood and hadn't noticed I'd gone. He looks at ds with bafflement and says things like 'he's crying. Why is he crying?" I said once before on MN I thought he had Aspergers but was told that this was impossible. But I still think he does, in some form. He's not like other people.

You are very right Mummytosteven, I would be careful in the future. Have not had a chance to be uncareful yet as we have just considered the possibility, but it's true, the fact that I don't have a problem with that doesn't mean other people will react like me...
Have been speaking to DH about this, and he asked me what were the implications of being diagnosed, TBH we couldn't find any, nothing will change-at least not for us-, it's just like giving the problem a name...

My dad is the same. He gets a fixation on things and can't let go. He had a thing about mobile phones for ages and had about 30 of the things, and he didn't buy one at a time, he would buy 2 or 3 as they were such a good price!!! ATM its washing machines and my mum is driven mad by it, he goes on and on about the new washing machine that doesn't fill enough etcetc, then two hours later he will tell the same story again...... Drives me mad!!!!

I read somewhere that alot of men are like this. My Dh does it to a certain extent. Sometimes, when he moans about his Dad doing it I say "That's what you do" and it brings him up short (a bit) I prefer to go out on my own unless there;s going to be someone there that know DH gets on particularly well with as otherwise he won't talk to anyone and I feel uncomfortable thinking he's not happy. I try not to worry about it now which is difficult especially as I'm a bit of a party animal! (or was, in the old days, pre-children)