I think lockdown might be bringing out the worst in me, and in my relationship. What I don't know is whether it is bringing fundamental problems with me and my relationship to light, or whether this is a bump in the road.
My partner and I have been together for eight years - my only really serious relationship, and his too. We have always spent a lot of time together, if anything I occasionally want some more time to myself but generally we are quite happy living in each other's pockets. Our friends joke about us really being one person. We've been through some extremely difficult times together - bereavement, depression, unemployment, and bad money worries - and have always seemed to come out of it still rock solid, especially to the outside world. I think we've both always felt that we had each found our soulmate.
But one issue I've had for a long time is that I am quite emotionally unstable. I can be very impatient and dismissive when stressed, which is quite often as I have a very demanding job. I also tend to convince myself that I am not good enough at what I do, that he doesn't really love me, etc, which makes me get snappy and upset. More than that, when we have disagreements, it has the capacity to spiral out of control. Previously, our arguments haven't been such a problem - we would both give as good as we got, the arguments were about genuine and usually interesting disagreements we had, we tolerated the difference of opinion, and there was always a limit to the level of argument. But more recently (I'd say in the last year or so, but particularly during lockdown), even small squabbles seem to turn into huge meta-arguments about 'the way in which' we are arguing (e.g. who is interrupting the most, being really pedantic about what was set to set the argument off, who is acting contemptuous of whom, etc). These days, there always seems to come a point where I am so frustrated by the whole thing, and by him not seeming to listen to what I am saying, that I lose control and start really screaming at him. And when that happens, generally he tells me to f* off, I tell him that I hate him and want him to leave and break up with me. Sometimes, and this is a much more recent development, I will say something worse, like a veiled threat to hurt myself. (I had issues with depression and self-harm as a teenager, and when I feel really frustrated I do feel the old impulse to do something stupid, but I am also pretty sure I wouldn't act on it any more. I don't know why I have vocalised these impulses on one or two occasions, I guess I've just needed to express how angry and frustrated I was feeling).
After the argument, when things have cooled down about, he will usually give me the silent treatment for a little while. When we talk about it, the discussion will usually revolve around my blowing up, how it's got to stop, and how I've got to stop invoking the possibility of us breaking-up when one of these huge blowouts happens. Generally, I cry - a lot. But we do ultimately reassure each other that we love each other, will always be together and will make it work.
I realise that this is super-unhealthy and it is making both of us unhappy. I also realise that I do have real problems with volatility and anger. Is it abusive, how I behave during these arguments? I'm really worried that it is.
At the same time, though, I do feel that the focus on what I've done wrong eclipses his behaviour, in particular his failure to listen to me, that made me so frustrated in the first place. And he's even said previously, in the post-argument talk, that whatever he did 'just doesn't matter' by comparison to me. A particular problem I'm having is that I do genuinely feel the language and tone he adopts, when we are having some minor squabble, is quite unpleasant and sneery or dismissive. For example, he always accuses me of 'blowing up' or 'going off on one' or 'ranting and raving' when I pick him up on something minor, which actually isn't the case. I find this type of accusation, and how easily he makes it, really hurtful (not least because I am conscious of, and ashamed of, the occasions where I have 'ranted and raved'), and this is often what precipitates the bigger blow-out that ensues.
A good example is what has happened this afternoon. I told him about the Irish Taoiseach going back to work as a doctor for one day per week, and asked him whether he thought this was a good thing or just a gimmick and no actual use to anyone. He corrected me on my pronunciation of 'Taoiseach'. I genuinely didn't mind my pronunciation being corrected as such, but retorted (perfectly calmly) that it was rude, petty and pedantic to focus on my pronunciation rather than engage with what could have been an interesting discussion about whether Leo Varadkar might actually be a c after all. He said it was perfectly legitimate, and after a little back and forth it quickly got to the point where he was saying that I must just have a really thin skin and couldn't bear to be corrected, and that that was pathetic. He said that I had 'gone off on one' as soon as he corrected me and that if I hadn't 'just blown up' he would have had a chance to engage with what I said. In the course of all this, I admit I got super angry and frustrated, and picked up a kitchen knife from the counter next to me (I was making us a sandwich at the time) and jammed it into the chopping board. He was on the other side of the kitchen. Obviously, I just did it as an outlet for my frustration, I never meant to hurt or frighten him at all. It really horrifies me that he might think that was my intention. But he then went off, saying that 'I had really f** it this time', that that was the worst thing I had ever done, and if I couldn't see that then 'I was completely gone in the head' and it would be completely over for us.
To be honest, I'm not sure I know what is normal and what's abnormal any more. Is it completely beyond the pale and abusive to pick up a knife during a heated argument and stick it in a chopping board? I know I shouldn't have done it, but is it much worse than that? Or is his reaction actually a bit overblown, as I do feel it is when he unfairly accuses me of 'ranting and raving' at the drop of a hat?
And from other posters' experience, do our communication difficulties and anger issues seem too serious to make this relationship viable? Do I need to recognise that he might be better off without me, because I do see that how I behave is sometimes unacceptable and frankly manipulative? If we can make it work, how? Things do seem to have been so much worse during lockdown, and not being able to go to work as normal and see friends has taken its toll (at the same time though, things have been better during lockdown too, in lots of ways - we've both commented on how lucky we are to have each other at the moment), but is just resolving to 'cut each other some more slack' enough in the circumstances?
I really can't imagine starting again without him. We really do love each other - at least, I love him - and our lives are completely intertwined and have been for so long. I'm at an age where I want to start having children pretty soon - I had always imagined they would be his.
I would really appreciate some advice. He's still out of the house, having stormed off to think about things, and I'm feeling a bit lost at sea.