Can't get suspected infidelity out of my mind

[MDG2000]

Years ago when I was pregnant with our second child my husband went for a night out. He got back home after 5am and said he'd gone to a party with a male school friend he'd bumped into. A few months later after a night out I found a condom in his pocket when I put his trousers in the wash. He said he'd put it there on a whim with no intention of using it. Obviously I was furious and suspicious and asked him about this and the previous late night. I got nowhere. A couple of years later this was all still bugging me but we were in a good place and we were having a heart to heart so asked him about it and he admitted that the late night was because he had gone home with a woman he met in the night club but they had just talked. This then made me question a night out he'd had not long after the first when he got home at a decent time but said the friend he'd gone with had left early and he'd just stayed by himself and chatted to people. My suspicion is that the first night wasn't that innocent and that he actually met the woman again rather than his friend but said he'd left early just in case he never mentioned it. He has hardly seen this friend who was practically his best friend since and I do wonder whether it's because he's been afraid he'll say something and give him away. This did happen several years ago but it still bugs me. I might not have questioned the nights out if I hadn't found the condom (my hunch is that he thought well I was lucky before, I might be again). He also proved that he would lie convincingly by saying he'd been to a party, which did fob me off for a while. Every so often this time pops back into my head and I get obsessed with thinking about it and anxious that he has cheated and not told me. I just don't know how to get over the fact that despite our marriage being really strong and happy now, he has probably cheated in the past and doesn't have the courage to own up. I also wonder sometimes about sending the woman he went home with a message to ask her what happened. He told me her name and one of her interests and amazingly this was all google needed to find her! Would that be a paranoid crazy thing to do?

Did he already know this woman or was it someone he met on the night out?

Sorry OP but theres only one reason Id go back to someones house after a night out.

If he had been unfaithful and lied all these years, do you think you could stay with him or would that be the relationship over for you?

Is it just this or is something else prickling your spidey senses? Phone use?

Well, worst case scenario is that he shagged someone that night and possibly again. It sounds quite likely he did.

He's shifted to admitting something happened - realistically how many times does going home with someone end in "just talking" til 5am?

If you knew for a certainty that he cheated then, what would you do?

I wouldn't be able to let it go. The question is what would you do of you knew for certain he had cheated?

Do you honestly think he would ever admit to anything?
If you found out he had would you do anything about it?

You'll never know the whole truth...is it worth drudging up the past?

This is probably stupid but, presumably if you found the condom in his pocket... it was unused? So maybe there was intent there but nothing actually happened (although I wouldn't be happy with that either tbh) Perhaps he tried his luck but nothing happened which is why he was home at a decent time?

I would always say trust your instincts. There is no reason for him to have put a condom in his pocket unless be thought there would be an opportunity to use it... regardless of whether he did or didn't, that's pretty poor and for me that would be it. The trust would be gone.

I personally wouldn't bother chasing down the potential OW. There is no guarantee she'd tell you the truth and would probably just immediately block you and alert your husband. It would just lead you down a rabbit hole.

Tell him you don’t believe him and never will. Then decide whether, given he’s likely cheated on you, you can’t forgive him and move on, or can forgive him and want to rebuild the relationship.

You currently are living with no trust. You cannot have a deep, lasting relationship without trust.

I would ask her, just send a message and be polite... she might of thought he was single and it was a while ago.
Make it clear you just want a answer and you have no intention of starting anything.

I would also go with your partner cheated that night and probably on and off since.

This is really tough. I would be quite like you, I would want to let it go but unable to. It sounds like a betrayal took place - he went back with this woman and brought a condom. Not much room for doubt.

You know if this is gnawing at you and you have tried your very best to let it go, you are more than entitled to call time on your marriage.

Maybe you feel that you shouldn't walk out on something good. But equally, he has had plenty of time to come clean. You don't have to live with stress, you can choose to leave.

Would you try to talk to him again? Say - I don't believe you and I don't want to keep feeling like this. It's not my job to run an investigation so I'm not going to. But if you want me to stay you will need to convince me somehow. It's up to you know how to proceed, tell me the truth and take your chances or leave things as they are.

And yes I would send her a message; i did this once. I was very polite in it. I said - I am very embarrassed to have to contact you about this and please be assured that there will be no blame or accusations coming your way. My partner is X, I think he has been messing me around. Can you please tell me honestly what happened on this night. I would really appreciate it and never thought I'd be in this situation. I won't bother you again.

I don't know know how that makes anyone look crazy.

Why was he even carrying a condom on a night out? I wouldn't give a shit whether it was used or not, he clearly went out with intent to shag someone. Tell him to sling it op

Well he didn't carry a condom for a posh wank on the night bus did he?

I agree with PPs. You don't sit and talk until 5am (and I've been fed this line and found it to be untrue) and you don't put a condom in your pocket "on a whim". It's there with an intent to use it. So I think that's all the answer you need to be honest.

But here's the thing. Scum bags like this don't stop. They just get better at hiding their tracks. I'd be out of that relationship, if it was me. I think I deserve to live a happy life and not be worrying constantly that my partner was cheating (again),

Cheater's gonna cheat.

I’m not sure it’s suspected cheating, he went home with another woman. It’s hard when you think you know somebody, he has slept with somebody else in your time together. Trust your gut feeling. He had a condom to use with somebody else! The friend being disowned is most likely that he stood up to him about his behaviour and your husband didn’t like it.

I too doubt this is innocent and would not be able to let it go, eventually things like this erode you from the inside.

I would be tempted to get in touch with the friend. I'd apologise for putting him in a difficult spot and I'd make it very clear that you won't be using his name when confronting your husband, but that it is destroying you and you have your suspicions, please could he be honest and tell you what he knows.

I really sympathise with you, living with doubt like this is a killer

The condom thing on a "whim" (what ? why ? wtf does that even mean?) would be the deal breaker for me

He's a player and a liar

Yeah a whim. A little flight of fancy. Definitely.

Just a little whimsical extramarital shag.

Indeed.

Do you and he use condoms? Had he bought them specially?

I would contact the woman with one of the above messages. If she has any decency at all she'll tell you the truth. I imagine he told her a load of lies anyway.

Condom on a whim??

Who is to say it was only one condom he carried with him? He may have too 2 condoms as some do tear and need a different one. My bet he has cheated I'm sorry OP.
Even if he didn't I wouldn't get over that, he would be gone.

I don't know what he did, but it might upset me more to think that DP had enough of an emotional connection with another woman to stay up chatting until 5, and then lie about it. Those hours of talking are so much more intimate than a shag imo.

Thank you for your replies. It is actually quite a relief to realise that I'm not just being paranoid. In answer to a couple of points, I really don't think he has done anything before or since this. That's what makes his behaviour so suspicious at that time. He had nights out before and has female friends and I had no reason to worry. This was at a time when we had a toddler, I'd had a miscarriage and then was pregnant again and struggling at work and I think it was a classic case of poor husband feels a bit neglected and some young woman shows him some attention. I think that whatever he did, whether he did sleep with her or even think about it freaked him out because he hasn't had a proper drunken night out since I found the condom. For me the feeling of being lied to is in someways the most corrosive element to the relationship. If I knew he'd done something I could at least get mad and then probably move on. I will need to think about what to do.

@Sickandscared Did you get a reply? What happened if you found the truth from her? Did you confront him? I suppose I'm wondering how to handle the information if I do ask her.

@PheasantPlucker1 He didn't know the other woman before hand. The thing I can't get over, is exactly what you said - would you go back to someone's house after a nightclub just for a chat? If you were just chatting, surely you'd think at 2 or 3pm 'oh dear, I'd better go home now' but it takes something to get so distracted that you don't manage to get home until after 5am! Not sure what I'll do though. Sometimes I think I'd let him stay if he came clean, sometimes not.