Can't get suspected infidelity out of my mind

[MDG2000]

Years ago when I was pregnant with our second child my husband went for a night out. He got back home after 5am and said he'd gone to a party with a male school friend he'd bumped into. A few months later after a night out I found a condom in his pocket when I put his trousers in the wash. He said he'd put it there on a whim with no intention of using it. Obviously I was furious and suspicious and asked him about this and the previous late night. I got nowhere. A couple of years later this was all still bugging me but we were in a good place and we were having a heart to heart so asked him about it and he admitted that the late night was because he had gone home with a woman he met in the night club but they had just talked. This then made me question a night out he'd had not long after the first when he got home at a decent time but said the friend he'd gone with had left early and he'd just stayed by himself and chatted to people. My suspicion is that the first night wasn't that innocent and that he actually met the woman again rather than his friend but said he'd left early just in case he never mentioned it. He has hardly seen this friend who was practically his best friend since and I do wonder whether it's because he's been afraid he'll say something and give him away. This did happen several years ago but it still bugs me. I might not have questioned the nights out if I hadn't found the condom (my hunch is that he thought well I was lucky before, I might be again). He also proved that he would lie convincingly by saying he'd been to a party, which did fob me off for a while. Every so often this time pops back into my head and I get obsessed with thinking about it and anxious that he has cheated and not told me. I just don't know how to get over the fact that despite our marriage being really strong and happy now, he has probably cheated in the past and doesn't have the courage to own up. I also wonder sometimes about sending the woman he went home with a message to ask her what happened. He told me her name and one of her interests and amazingly this was all google needed to find her! Would that be a paranoid crazy thing to do?

But OP, the sort of man who goes out with a condom isn't the kind of man to go back to someone's house at 2 am for a chat.

But OP, the sort of man who goes out with a condom isn't the kind of man to go back to someone's house at 2 am for a chat.

Sorry OP but this. I'm sure he wouldn't have gone home with her to chat if he thought she was unattractive...

I received an anonymous letter telling me my DH was having an affair when our ds was a few months old. He denied it. He then stayed out all night on holiday when our ds was 18 months old. I'd taken him up to bed and DH was going to finish his drink and follow me up. He'd been chatting to two girls and had gone back to their room. He left me 18 months later and it turned out he was having an affair with a woman he's got in touch with on friends reunited. I didn't believe the signs (could they have been any more bloody obvious?) and we had a lovely marriage. I wouldn't believe him if I were you particularly if you don't have an active sex life.

He wouldn’t go back to a woman’s house at that time of night for a chat. He may have bottled it when he got there (doubtful though). Whether he did it or not the planning and intention was there by the condom.

I totally understand you want to believe him and for this to not have happened. The fact you aren’t letting it lie - you know what has happened here - you are not paranoid.

I also think maybe the friend of his stuck up for you and that's why your DH doesn't see him anymore.

For me it's all about intention whether there was one condom or two or whatever he still had the intention of using it.

He is a shady bloke and he admitted he stayed there till five randomly just to give you half the story maybe to ease his own guilt.

Went home with a woman and 'just talked' bloody hell that is one terrible whopper. Who the hell would believe that.

You are all so suspicious..more than likely they were just talking and he tripped over whereupon his penis just fell into her fanjo. He will never admit he cheated op when he can blame you for being a mad bint...

You describe your marriage as strong, but there is a wound containing lies, half-truths, intimate secrets, and mistrust.

Your husband felt entitled to pursue and spend the night with OW, lie about it, and use his friend as cover. He would not have crossed those boundaries for a ‘chat,’ and he likely met her (or another OW) again. He later planned for illicit sex by carrying a condom.

He manipulated and you made noise but “got nowhere.” You moved forward, but not in a position of strength and equality. You’ve been swallowing your distress ever since.

Your husband is still lying and you are unsure of your boundaries. It is time to take control and address the malignancy in your marriage. Perhaps you should seek individual counseling to gain clarity and make a plan.

I agree above, ask her if not do what I do threaten a lie detector 'for your peace of mind' and even show you "booking" it usually they quirk and admit and if they don't they're either a sociopath who lies so well they don't feel guilt or they're genuinely innocent

Thanks again for the replies. I think he does feel justified in not coming clean because he thinks it will keep me happy and after a while I'll just forget about it! But perhaps he doesn't realise yet that sometimes having suspicions can be more damaging than knowing the truth.

I don’t think that can you can buy single condoms. So he must have had more, do they come in 3’s? Unless he took one from your supply at home?

He took the condom when he went out a few months after the first 2 suspicious nights. It was one of ours so he didn't buy it especially and I don't think he had another and used it because he actually came home quite early that night - but of course I don't know if he took condoms the other times and it is in a way more the thought that if he took one then, he must have had it in his mind that sex was a possibility. Perhaps because it had (possibly) been before.

Come on, "chatting" til 5am?

Trust your gut OP.

As others have said, there was intent and planning involved on his part. Going back to some woman’s house in the wee hours suggests sex to me. No married man packs condoms on a night out. Would you stick condoms in your handbag on a ladies night out?