Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is unhappiness a valid reason to leave?

29 replies

TrashCat · 15/05/2020 01:57

Hi everyone

First poster here, long time lurker so bare with :)

I have been married to my OH for 10 years and im bored. Not just bored but unhappy and have the vibe we just dont click.
I mean, he's fine, he provides, has never hurt me physically, is placid but he also is very detached from me and the kids. He doesnt get involved with the children, to take them out, play games, or interact with them at all. If anything, they usually stay out of his way as he doesnt understand, tho he should as theyre all around 10, that kids like be loud, silly and have fun.
Im the one that plays with them, teaches them, takes them for walks, plays computer games, well everything!
Hes not very affectionate, very logical and im the opposite, im a wild haired artist who loves practical jokes and hugs from behind, tho i dont think ive ever had one from him...

Question is, is leaving because he hasnt really got a presence and im virtually bringing up the kids alone a reason worth leaving? I have no savings, and he does provide financially. Although in my situation, i can get help finding a house, due to his occupation.

Hes nice, but thats it. When hes home he just looks at his phone looking at ways to save, buy a house, which he really wants to do...
Ive expressed doubts as the above mentioned, but hes hasnt changed and he wont.
Im literally single sleeping in the same bed as my housemate, i dont feel loved at all

OP posts:
Mnthrowaway20202 · 15/05/2020 01:59

Of course being unhappy is a valid reason to leave

Mnthrowaway20202 · 15/05/2020 02:00

Especially if you’ve already discussed your concerns and he dismissed you

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 15/05/2020 02:30

You sound miserable, and that alone is a perfectly valid reason to leave any relationship.

I left my marriage because of a feeling of total drudgery. Not because either of us had been cruel to the other or anything, just that we'd grown apart, had nothing in common any more, and didn't particularly enjoy each other's company. This was someone I'd been in a relationship with for 20+ years, so it wasn't a decision I took lightly.

You have a right to be happy, whether that means being in a relationship or not, so you have a right to seek happiness. If that means you'd be happier away from your husband than with him, then that's perfectly valid too. There's no need to bring potential future relationships into it, or consider his happiness.

I know I felt an enormous sense of relief when I finally left mine. I'd been miserable for years and deliberating over whether that was because of our relationship, or whether the relationship was suffering because I was miserable. A bit of a Catch 22. I knew within a week of separating I'd done the right thing. Felt so much happier knowing that I didn't have to think about an 'us' any longer and that I could just suit myself as and when.

CrazyToast · 15/05/2020 02:40

Why do so many people think they don't have the right to be happy? Of course you should leave if you're unhappy--even if there is nothing overtly wrong with him ie abuse or cheating etc.

CayrolBaaaskin · 15/05/2020 02:44

Yes definitely. He’s a happiness sponge. Ltv

lollydrop · 15/05/2020 02:52

I feel the same OP although not married and only just had a DC together. All I know is I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.

I just ordered a book recommended by a friend called ‘Too good to leave, too bad to stay’ hoping it will help me make a final decision.

Good luck Flowers

TwilightPeace · 15/05/2020 03:15

Life is too short OP to spend your years unhappy. You just aren’t compatible.
Sounds like it would make very little difference anyway as you are doing nearly everything yourself.

searchaway · 15/05/2020 06:35

Yes of course you should leave if you aren’t happy. Being lonely in a marriage is just crippling. I’m in the same position. Lonely. My DH is a good man with a sarcastic tongue and he is a good Dad but there’s just no intimacy or fun between us as a couple. It’s boring and dull and lonely. He’s distant and distracted all the time. It’s like trying to walk through treacle. I just want somebody who looks at me like they love me and I want big bear hugs and giggles and loveliness. I stay in my marriage because at my age I’ve got no chance of finding that with anybody. If you’re still young then leave and go find it. Go and be happy.

Babdoc · 15/05/2020 08:06

OP, what attracted you to him in the first place? Did he used to be more affectionate and fun? Or has he always been so aloof?
What I’m getting at is this: is there anything to salvage here, is he a man who’s simply got out of the habit of showing love and having fun, stuck in a rut with work etc- or is this a (possibly autistic) man who has never been able to respond emotionally and never will be?
If the latter, then things ate not going to change and you would be right to cut your losses and leave, to seek a more fulfilling relationship elsewhere with a more compatible and emotionally literate partner.
If things used to be good between you, then couples counselling might help you to reconnect and communicate better. But he needs to be willing to engage with the process and be honest about his own feelings. The outcome may still be an amicable divorce, but at least you will both have explored the options and talked to each other about your respective needs.

MissTermeanor · 15/05/2020 08:12

My husband was not engaged or engaging and I found that he was living a life on his phone instead. Messaging & meeting other women. Could it be that?

Bearski77 · 15/05/2020 10:09

@TrashCat I could have written this exact post (and probably have!) As you say, it's hard to justify leaving when nothing major has happened, it's just a dull joyless life. It took a counsellor to tell me that my happiness counts and that I don't have to live my life like this for the sake of keeping him happy(ish). You DO deserve a happy life.
The last line of your post makes me so sad. This is me too.
xx

cravingthelook · 15/05/2020 10:16

Perfectly valid

mum1993 · 15/05/2020 12:05

It’s an extremely difficult situation to be in especially given the current circumstances. I am in exactly the same position, 2 children, not finically independent and really unhappy in the relationship Sad

Seaside1234 · 15/05/2020 13:14

This thread crossed my path at precisely the right moment. I have just taken the first tentative steps to leaving a man who doesn't make me feel happy or loved, and doesn't respond to my attempts to discuss this. It feels terrifying, and I feel so guilty for putting my happiness first, but it's not like he seems super-happy with the relationship either. Your happiness matters. Someone who made you happy once may not do any more, and that's ok to recognise. If he can't/won't engage with improving things, or if he feels the same way, there may only be one way to be happier. (I'm trying to convince me as much as you!) I'm living with a housemate too, and it's horrible. Big virtual hugs xxx

longtimecomin · 15/05/2020 13:19

Yes, leave him, the relief will feel amazing. Does he irk your soul? Every day? Don't throw your life away

copycopypaste · 15/05/2020 13:57

Of course it's ok to leave someone if you're unhappy

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 15/05/2020 15:00

The only note of caution I’d normally advise in these situations (where there’s no obvious cheating/abuse but you still feel unhappy) is to really, really, really ensure it’s your partner who’s making you miserable as opposed to depression from other sources that then gets projected onto them (e.g I’m depressed, so I’m not feeling happy when I’m with my partner, so ergo it must be our relationship at fault) - otherwise you’ll just end up still unhappy albeit single or with another man. That said, in your case, it really does sound like he’s not stepping up so the relationship’s fundamentally unbalanced. As they say, you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Please do give him an ultimatum first though: counselling or it’s over. Even if nothing comes of it and you’re correct in thinking “it won’t work anyway” blindsiding a partner is never good. From personal experience, doing so only creates bad blood and makes the divorce worse.

Toomboom · 15/05/2020 15:15

Yes it is. I think sometimes it is harder to leave someone if there is no one else involved, domestic violence etc, than if you just don't want to be with them anymore.

I was like that with my ex. With him 10 yrs, got to the point where I really didn't like him, but stayed because there was nothing really wrong with him. I was just incredibly unhappy and lonely within the marriage. He was good at putting a "show" for other people at how great the marriage was, but behind closed doors we rarely spoke and he did him own thing all the time.

Best thing I did leaving him. Good luck x

RainMustFall · 15/05/2020 16:05

Oh course unhappiness is a valid reason. You are in a good position in as much that you can take your time to plan your exit, unlike others who are going through a traumatic time and need to leave immediately.

Take a photocopy of any financial paperwork and tuck it away. Do you work? If not you may want to investigate getting a part time job which will give you some financial flexibility. He will obviously be paying for the children. If you think there's a chance of him changing you may want to suggest counselling,

I wish you well, OP.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/05/2020 16:05

Yes of course. There's no obligation to prioritise being in a relationship over your own happiness -- although society will try to convince you otherwise.

You sound bored, frustrated and miserable. Why would you continue to invest in something which has that effect on you. I can guarantee you will be infinitely happier if you leave.

MissMarplesParcel · 15/05/2020 16:22

I think unhappiness is a valid reason to leave.

I suppose just make sure it’s not the drudgery of life that is getting to you both. I mean you must have gotten on well and loved each other to get married and have children or was it more a case you settled back then?

As if you were in love and compatible at the beginning I would probably try counselling to see if you can reignite that.

Diabetes123 · 15/05/2020 20:36

Exactly the same.

No reason for being unhappy just no feelings of love for him. Really really difficult decision as I have left my DD 19 and 16 and they are really struggling but I could no longer pretend or put on that happy face.

What a relief leaving and a weight off my shoulders. Feeling guilty living on my own though and missing my DD's like crazy and just hoping it gets better.

Not sure whether to try marriage counselling or not but feeling obliged after 30 years together. Only been separated just over a week so gonna give myself some time and space to thing about things properly.

Original poster
TrashCat · 16/05/2020 14:05

Hi all,

Thanks so much for your replies.

Please excuse any spelling errors, im on secret mode so dont get auto correct...

We had councelling many years ago, and i really dont think he'd go through it again, or if i even want to.
He used to embrace our differences, now they annoy him.
Having my art everywhere, he hates it. I boxed it up and it was so depressing. Yea im no Van Gogh but, its a part of me.
Id have a picnic in the garden with the kids, he'd moan theres grass trodden thru the house, even though im the one that always vacuums.
Hes just gotten out of bed, its 2pm, i have music on whilst i was pottering around he just put the speaker right next to me.

Ive felt like this a long time, i just dont have the strength in me to leave. Im riddled with guilt. He has no friends, neither do i really as they dont like to visit due to him...
I have nowhere i could even say i wanted to go as i dont know my family, i dont have one. I have a mum but i dont really know her.
I dont feel like i belong anywhere and im just a nuisance.

I dont have any savings or a job, due to how often we have to move.

My thoughts are with those in a similar situation

OP posts:
RenascenceWoman · 16/05/2020 17:51

You need to have a word op, that is not suitable behaviour. Maybe let him do more with the kids while you go and see a friend or just get out. It's even ok for you to stay somewhere to 'cool off'. He needs to have a taste of life without you. He has checked out for whatever reason. You deserve more.

cravingthelook · 17/05/2020 09:30

I was going to suggest counselling but see you've tried that.

You talk about your art, have you tried a job in that field?

I would make a plan of things you need to do for you and start working through it. Once you focus on that and what you want need you'll find the strength courage and way to move forward