Doubts about second child due to IL relationship

[Funnyname]

Hi all,

I was just looking for a bit of advice/to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

I have very negative feelings towards my husband's parents. I believe they emotionally abused him and his two siblings when they were growing up, as well as regular physical punishment (they would say normal chastisement for the times, I would class as humiliation as a form of punishment and control).

Now that their children are adults they constantly use guilt and manipulation to control their children. I truly haven't observed any interactions at all with their children where guilt/manipulation/games aren't present.

We saw them around 4/5 times a year prior to our child (who's now 19 months) being born. Since our child was born they want to visit more frequently.

Initially whilst I was on maternity leave I was present when they visited. I very quickly found it unbearable and started going out when they were due to visit. Now that I'm back at work (pre-covid) they visit around 2-3 times per month arranged for when I'm at work.

There's not been any arguments or anything said about me not being there - the most I've had is guilt trip texts from MIL about "really missing me".

I do not want people who I believe to have abused their own children to have a relationship with my child and my instincts tell me they will emotionally damage my child. I have been very frank with my husband about my feelings and he says he agrees about his parents behaviour but that they won't have an impact on our child.

My husband is always present when they are with our child.

We are now thinking about having another child and I am concerned about the fact I'll have to see them more frequently again if we have another child (who I would hope to breastfeed so at first couldn't really leave), I think I'd be less likely to bite my tongue at their nonsense (and this would cause my husband even more pain) and I'm not sure I could in good conscience bring another child into the world when I know how much contact they'll have with them (I naively assumed we would continue to see them 4-5 times a year like we did before our child arrived).

Since lockdown my husband is now sending daily videos and pictures of our child - according to my husband elicited by "she's all we have to live for/keep us going during this awful time"

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?

OP I don't think your PIL should come into the equation of whether or not you have another DC, they don't deserve that influence. Have you been clear with DH that this is affecting you wanting a second DC?

It’s so tough to manage these types - but that’s what needs to be done to protect your DC.

You have done a great job to sense, see and call out the toxicity with your DH.

However you need to go further.

YOU have to get totally educated and be 100% in charge of this situation with your DC because your DH is not capable - yet.

Your massive anxiety in their company is your gut SCREAMING at you that they are toxic and abusive. You have chosen the flight rather than fight mode in this crisis. And yes you are hyper alert because it is happening and is escalating.

You need to get back in charge.

I don’t believe that your DH calls them out each and every time when you are not there.

If he did and they kept pushing boundaries and repeatedly misbehaved and he had to keep repeatedly intervening - then this is just as bad a toxic and conflict zone for your DC.

A normal response in such situations would be to stop contact - but he has increased it.

Look at his actions, not his words.

He needs to get educated - he at least sees it - but he can’t manage it. He is under total control if he is manipulated by threats of tears.

Have baby no2. Cut back contact (once a month out of the house - you in charge as role model). Get him educated and supported. He will then learn that v LC and extra firm boundaries are needed.

When you have taken back control you will feel much better.

I could have written your post and all your subsequent replies. I don’t have anything useful to add really apart from some solidarity. From reading the responses you’ve got I’ve now resolved to stop being out when they visit, and instead embrace the anxiety-inducing nightmare that it is, and support my DH and DD in their contact with them. I’m hoping I’ll find that they’ve changed a lot over the last year and are holding back on their manipulative behaviour. Good luck and 100% don’t let them stop you TTC!

OP, your gut know they are truly awful but your fear of them.and drama is throwing your child under a bus.

@TorkTorkBam
Absolutely correct.

You need to sit and calm your mind.
You need to focus on doing the right thing by your child.

Please do not continue to ENABLE these ghastly people.

Please protect your child.

Do not be scared of your own anger and any confrontation with them. This is the heightened anxious emotional place that they have deliberately whipped you up into and have terrified, paralysed, disabled and silenced you in the process.

But you can take them on - practice deep breathing, stand stock phrases in a very calm slow voice that you rinse and repeat. Who cares if she rants and raves, screeches and cries - what’s the worst that can happen - she will escalate her nonsense tantrums histrionically like a loony pantomime character - and you stand by cool, calm and collected - then you have the power - either she leaves or you do.

Don’t be scared of her threatened outbursts

• the sky won’t fall in if she cries - she will just look ridiculous and lose her dignity - it will blow over - you won’t all spontaneously combust - hold your nerve.

She wields the power with your DH only while she threatens the eruption - which she holds 24/7 - but if no one cares if she flips she has lost control. Call her bluff. Learn to be assertive, dignified, cool, firm, adult to protect your DC from this woman who emotionally is effectively a large over grown tantruming toddler.