How do I convincingly retract a statement/solve an ongoing argument?

[somanyquestions2018]

Hello!

I will try to keep this short and sweet but no promises!

I have been arguing with my boyfriend about one thing for about a month now. But now I am back on my ADHD meds which I had ran out of last month and I am seeing things more clearly.

I wish to make peace and retract my argument basically. But can this be done?!

We also have a child together who is nearly two now so I really want to keep our small family together.

The argument was because his friend wants to build a house to live in on my boyfriends land. My boyfriend has built us a house nearly, half way there. All by himself! I am very proud of him and let him know so.

I basically said his friend was rude for asking when he hasn’t checked out the legal side at all and that he is putting our family home and our child’s inheritance at risk.

I said horrible things to my boyfriend and about his friend. Being off my ADHD meds and full of a couple of beers makes me VERY DRAMATIC!

I can have an argument and forget it as soon as it’s been said. My boyfriend cannot. He can’t even say “I love you” to me anymore.

He has separated me from his friend. We all used to socialise together. Either in fear I will say something-even though I have told him I won’t. Or because he thinks I hate him. I have also told him I don’t I only have this recent issue with him.

But realistically nothing has been built. It’s not my land and I wish to retract all the things I said!

I wish to make peace.

Any help about how I go about this is greatly appreciated!

:)

You can not retract what you said, there is no possible way to do so. You can apologise to him, tell him you were off your medication and weren’t thinking clearly. However it’s up to him if he wants to accept your apology and forgive you, there’s not anything you can do to make that happen though.

I would start by acknowledging that his land is none of your business until you're married.

Then I would clarify that I understood that meds or lack of can be the reason for my behaviour but not an excuse and that I take responsibility for the out of order way I'd behaved.

You can't retract what you've said but you can prove with your actions that you understand yourself the legalities of not trying to dictate what happens with someone elses property.

Thank you for replying. I am all for apologising! I should have clicked as I was writing. There is no way to take back words! I am just a bit scared I think. I have done a lot of apologising over my years as my ADHD mouth literally has no filter and I don't know if he is going to accept it.

Onemansoapopera

...if I said "until we are married" he would literally run for the hills lol! He is very anti marriage. I will re word it slightly but that is a good opener thank you.

I hope he forgives me with time.

Actually, I agree the friend is a c.f. If he builds a house and lives there there will be legal implications that could result in him having a claim to the land or indefinite right to remain.

Putting the 'family' home in danger etc was dramatic as you haven't actually looked into the legal side of things either. And as it is your bf's property you are wrong to call it 'your' family home. You have no claim to it so he could kick you out at anytime. I'm presuming you are in the Uk which has no common-law rights for the unmarried. I'd be more worried about putting myself, and thus, dc in an insecure housing situation.

But if said friend can claim the land after a set amount of time, then yes it will put dc's inheritance in danger. Squatters rights is 13 years I believe and if they haven't been evicted before then the property becomes theirs (friends in London actually got a £1million house that way!). God only knows the legalities if you invite some to build a home on your land!

@somanyquestions2018 I wouldn’t blame your ADHD if I were you - as someone who’s also said a lot of things they didn’t mean while off medication (due to OCD, not ADHD), blaming it as being in the throes of your illness isn’t a good move to make. It comes across as excusing your behaviour, it’s time to take responsibility not detract. There is help available if you can’t control yourself and your actions, but it’ll only work if you accept that you are still to blame regardless of what’s going on in your head.

Yes I hope you get the gist though. It's his land and his decision how it's used and if he's very anti marriage that's likely how it will stay. Are you OK with that? It's perfectly fine not to be by the way but then you have a decision to make. It sounds a little like you are telling him his business which is never going to go over well, ADHD or not. As for inheritance, that's hopefully a long way off and if you brought it up in an argument I'd wonder more about your own motives. It's probably not as cut and dried as it being all your fault to be fair but if you argue frequently down to your ADHD thats something you need to consider. Are you compatible long term? My DH doesn't have ADHD but he is on the spectrum and his mood and 'unreasonable' behaviours can be hard to deal with it can be like an unlucky dip a lot of the time.

@thingsdogetbetter

Cf is exactly what I thought when I heard of his plans lol!

I'm from the uk but in Turkey. The friend is Turkish and speaks Turkish. We don't speak much Turkish so it's a bit difficult for me to research the legality but I have done a little. Still non the wiser!

This is what annoyed me because he could easily do some research but hasn't.

@SeriouslySoDoneIn

You're so right! I do it far too often! As a joke really. But behind every joke is an element of truth isn't there?

Are you wise to move into a property solely owned by a known commitment phobe over which you have no say or control? Sounds like a risky position to put yourself in.

In a foreign country to boot!

He doesn't have to do the research if he's unbothered by it. You have no business being annoyed on his behalf, it's his property and you have no claim on it.

@Onemansoapopera

I don't really know if I'm ok with the no marriage thing or not as I'm very indecisive! All my serious boyfriends have been anti marriage. I'm not sure what that says about me or them but that's how it's always been!

Yes you are right. Sometimes I think we are not compatible and he can't cope with me. But we just seem to have ups and downs a lot.

I just would really like it if our child has a little place in Turkey to go to and that wasn't messed up. I'm not worried about me.

Just a question - did you mean what you said about friend . Although said without filter control ( my Ds has Adhd so get that)

Think what point you were trying to get across ? Was that reasonable . I think you need to think about how selling them land affects him.

Other point . Do you live together be very careful about protecting your financial future

@ChandlerIsTheBestFriend

Well I only live here half the year really. The rest of the time we live in the uk at as there is no work out here for us.

@Thisismytimetoshine

I don't want a claim on it! Just worried about my son. I was wrong. I do agree with you.

I'm not saying your thinking is out of order, op. Just that the reality is that unmarried, you're also unprotected.

@Starlightstarbright1

The friend doesn't want to buy the land. He is super skint. He just wants to build on it for free. To be honest. My boyfriend will probably end up building it for him and paying for materials. His friend doesn't have any building experience or any money. He is a bit down on his luck and I feel for him but my boyfriend has already said he can live in one half of the house. But he wants his own property it seems.

Seriously? He's happy to build his friend a house because he asked for one? Very odd. It wouldn't actually belong to the friend unless he legally gifted it to him, though?

This relationship has no legs.

I'd be concerned curious as to exactly what relationship he has with this "friend", tbh. Sorry if that sounds offensive.

@Thisismytimetoshine

Well my BF says he wants a small building for some solar panels as he doesn't want the batteries on the house (dangerous) anyway. Also it won't have foundations or anything. But I'm still not sure about the legality.

@ChandlerIsTheBestFriend

I am going to just try and smooth over things right now because of the current pandemic. But maybe you're right. Maybe we should re-assess/end amicably.

@Thisismytimetoshine

Not offended at all! I don't think the love each other in a romantic way but maybe I am wrong!

If your bf is going to build a property for the friend then he'd be better off having some sort of formal agreement allowing the friend to stay there/rent it or whatever, but making it clear ownership belongs to your bf.